Rest and Recovery

Mark and I were able to visit my family in AZ and even though it was hot, it was a wonderful time. It was great to stay away from hospitals and not be poked or prodded, this was a much needed break. I really enjoyed spending time with my family, playing with my nieces, and seeing many friends I haven't seen in awhile. I am simply amazed that I'm able to travel and do the things I really want while getting treatment. Honestly, when I was told of the aggressive treatment plan that would last six months, I thought my life as I knew it was over or at least on hold. My whole outlook on cancer is changing, while it does change your life in radical ways, it doesn't mean life is over....it's just different. Also, I have to give God credit for how well I'm doing as I know some people really struggle through their treatments. God has definitely blessed me throughout this process.

Met with Dr P today and it was nice to see him again as it's been awhile. I will probably start chemo again on the 12th so I still get a bit of a break. I have to say that I left his office a bit discouraged as he didn't answer my questions in the ways I had hoped. It's my expectations that get me every time! I'm having more and more hot flashes which really is tolerable except at night, I'm woken up many times and simply not getting good rest. It seems to me that my ovary is not dead at this point but in the process of dying and Dr P agreed, he expects the hot flashes to continue to get a bit worse. There are some meds we can try but I really don't want to go that route just yet. I'd rather do natural things if possible and see if that helps, plus, I'm sure cooler weather will help too. I also asked about his experience with this type of cancer and the recurrence rate because this has been on my mind a lot lately. He wouldn't compare my case with the other cases because there are differences (which I understand) but his vagueness bothers me. He still says I have a good chance at being "cured" and I'm not sure if he really believes that or if he is trying to get me to believe it. I know anything is possible with God and so statistics are just numbers, but if God allowed me to have cancer once, he can certainly allow it to be a lifelong thing too. Lastly, I talked with him about possible scarring from radiation and his view on it was less positive than Dr Monroe. I really hate that the info each give me are conflicting but that's part of why I ask the same questions to each doctor. I figure if they give me the exact same info it's more trustworthy, if it's not, the truth is probably somewhere in the middle. As I left his office, I'm struggling to keep my fears in check. I'm trying to focus on all the ways I've seen God's hand so far, He has taken care of me. When will I stop being afraid of what God allows to take place in my life? When will I fully trust Him? There must be a part of me that still believes what He is doing is not good. It's very frustrating as I want to be a woman of faith and stop worrying about the future that I can't change!