Room for growth

I'm finding that it takes me a bit longer to recover from chemo and not sure if that's just the way things go, or a combo of the heat and menopause issues. The neulasta shot wasn't too bad this time with the 24hr claritin, makes a noticeable difference. The other blessing to this cycle is that I kept my taste throughout, no more metallic tastes...thanks for the med change Dr P! The bad news is that I'm in full on menopause and overall it isn't too bad BUT I'm not sleeping well at all anymore. I'm hoping this has more to do with our recent heatwave otherwise, I'm going to need some hormones as soon as I've completed treatment. I've always been a good sleeper and I want to stay that way!


It's been a humbling day today, ever feel like you are growing in a certain area and then something pops up and your reaction proves you have lots more room for growth? I freaked out over something ridiculous and reacted quite badly towards Mark. I am SO thankful God has given me a very patient husband who was able to look beyond my surface reaction to the core of the issue. I've been letting stress and fear build to the point that it's getting in the way of who I know God to be. Suddenly God becomes quite small and my circumstances, unknowns, fears etc. become much bigger which doesn't help me be the kind of person I'm called to be.
The hospital called and asked me to work in the Breast Care Center for the next two weeks with newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. This is a huge blessing as they are taking into account my needs at this time and the fact that I can't work 12hr shifts yet, plus I won't have the same type of patient contact, which is good while I don't have an immune system. However, I haven't worked a 40hr work week since Feb and I'm a bit nervous that I won't have the endurance for this job. I would rather fail than not try it at this point, but I don't want to disappoint anyone as there is no back-up for this position. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to work as I feel guilty for being such a financial drain. I know Mark doesn't feel this way but it still bothers me a great deal. I'm growing more and more anxious as treatment comes to a close because I'm afraid there is more bad news ahead. I guess if I'm honest, I have an unsettling feeling about this last portion of treatment, like something is going to go wrong and I'm not sure where this is coming from. I'm also afraid that I will complete treatment only to find out that it didn't work, that I've got to live with cancer and chemo for the rest of my life. These thoughts can be overwhelming at times, I desperately need this cancer ordeal to end with my last treatment in August. So all this stuff came to the surface today with my freak out and I hope sharing it all with Mark doesn't burden him. I know he has been carrying a lot since my cancer diagnosis too. He reminded me that all we can do is live in the present, the future will unfold exactly how it is supposed to and as always, God will give us exactly what we need when we need it. I know he is right, I guess I need to spend more time reminding myself of who God is and that alone should keep some of my fears in check. I find it interesting how often God uses Mark to teach me things. I'm thankful Mark is on this journey with me and hopefully my actions will show him that more often.