Season of thankfulness

Starting in October, I LOVE this season of the year! I'm the person who drives everyone else nuts as Christmas music is on 24/7 as soon as I can get it. I want anything pumpkin, eggnog, and Christmas lights as soon as I can get it. There is a joyfulness about this season of the year that not too much can squelch. So when Mark stumbled across a radio station that was playing Christmas music at the beginning of November, I have been one happy lady! I've had a couple of solicitors call and ask if I really have Christmas music playing in the background already. Yes people, I am a Christmas freak, I fully admit it and I don't care to be anything less! :) I was reflecting the other day about my crazy love of everything Christmas and I didn't always used to be this way. For those that knew me back in high school/college, the holidays were something I dreaded for several reasons. That's a testament to the 180 degree healing God has provided and I'm really thankful for His touch. With Thanksgiving literally around the corner, I've been reflecting on all that God has done for me....especially lately. Of course, family and friends are a given as I'm beyond blessed by the people God has placed in my life. I am SO thankful that I'm not doing chemo or radiation during my favorite season of the year. I'm thankful that God truly protected me during my treatment in ways that I'm continuing to realize. God has been good to me in ways that will probably take years to fully unfold. I'm thankful for my job and ability to work in oncology for however long this season lasts. Sometimes I feel as though I'm getting paid for therapy as I work with others who are in the midst of their treatment, it's a blessing to say the least. I'm thankful for the littlest of things like hair and eyelashes, putting on mascara has a whole new meaning for me. I am incredibly thankful for my new found relationship with Christ. He has been more real to me in this last year than any of the other years combined. I complain about my circumstances a lot (and I'm working on that) but I have a new perspective on God's gift of life to me. I'm in a body that is dealing with the aftermath of treatment BUT I'm still above ground and I'm thankful for that! It's true that health and the breath of life is a gift, not an entitlement. I'm truly blessed beyond measure no matter what my future holds. My prayer lately is that I use my gift wisely, I want God to be proud that He decided to keep me around.
Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm so much like an Israelite

I've been studying Exodus and I find that I can relate to the Israelites. Look at the miraculous things God has done for them and then minutes later see how quickly they take their eyes off of God. They complain and focus on the negatives of their circumstance, fear invades their hearts and minds. You know what else I'm learning, sometimes God leads us into a trial before leading us out of one! I don't like it but it's truth. I think to some God would appear harsh but when you think about God's promise to us to make us more like Him each day, it sort of makes sense to me. God's life on earth was by no means comfortable, why should I expect anything different? If I'm going to be more like Christ, there is a lot of molding, chiseling, and shaping that needs to take place, and the last time I checked, change occurs when I'm uncomfortable. I'm also learning that sometimes our circumstance will become worse before it gets better AND God is still in that circumstance no matter how it feels. It's so easy to say that when bad becomes worse God isn't in those details because why would a loving God allow such a thing. God allows bad to become worse for His greater purpose and to believe anything else will lead to despair. Sometimes I look back at one of my posts and think "I shouldn't have written that" or "that was a moment of weakness I wish I didn't share," but then I'm reminded that I want my blog to be an honest journey. I have days where my faith is strong and I'm just happy to still be alive but I also have days where simply put, I'd rather be in heaven then continue to struggle. These last few days God has been gently reminding me that I need to take my eyes off of my struggles and put them back on Him. He IS in the midst of my circumstances, working behind the scenes and in ways I may never fully understand or see. The hope for me comes from the fact that there is a purpose from my uncomfortabilty. I may never fully see that purpose but just knowing there is one helps me on the really bad days. Life isn't turning out the way I had hoped it would be but life isn't about me and my wishes, it's about what God is doing through me. I hope I learn to resist God less and simply let Him do His thing!
Exodus 14:14
"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace."

Torn

I haven't been able to sleep for the last several days and that's WITH my sleeping pills! I didn't go into work today as I don't feel well. There is a huge part of me that wants to call Dr R and start estrogen no matter the risks. This estrogen topic is a daily battle as I want my estrogen back but I don't ever want to hear that my cancer is back. Honestly, I don't want to do any more treatment and I don't think I would consent to any more at this point. If I wasn't married I would simply take the estrogen but there's Mark to think about, if it came back would he be okay with the choices I've made? I think a lot about if the roles where reversed and how I would feel if he was making the same decisions I've been making in this whole ordeal. At times, it would be a very bitter pill and so I give him a lot of credit for hanging in there as well as he has.
I'm very stubborn and don't give up easily but I've got to say I'm getting tired of this battle. I'm tired of doing hard and I hate being trapped in this body lately! I know things could be so much worse...I'm just having one of those days where I hate my circumstance. I hate this new normal!

WooHoo!

I met with Dr R to discuss all my menopause symptoms and I am so glad I sought her out! She told me about her mother's experience with breast cancer and how no physician would give her mom estrogen. We are on the same page when it comes to quality of life issues and so whenever I want estrogen, she will prescribe it! I am SO relieved to know that if I truly need it, I can get it. Now that I know I can have it, I'm still going to try and follow Dr P's rules and find alternative ways to feel better until that one year mark. In the meantime, Dr R is going to put me on a trial of low dose progesterone to see if that helps some of my symptoms. I honestly don't fully understand how this works in relation to menopause and will have to do some research, but I'm willing to give it a try. I'm just excited to try something that MAY help me feel more my age again! Maybe I can permanently get off the sleeping pills. :)

Heard from Dr P's office, my surgery is set for 12/6. I'm really nervous about this surgery in a way I didn't expect, I mean this will be a piece of cake in comparison to the last one. I think I'm afraid that he will find something or the pathology will come back with bad news. When it really counts, my medical tests have failed in one way or another. I'm given hope and then smacked with the reality that what was originally thought to be the case is no longer so. I think it's also a bit scary to have surgery because this truly marks the "end" of treatment for me. I've known this surgery was coming up for months so when chemo ended, I knew there was still one more part to be completed. I'm a bit unsettled about doing this surgery and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess it's time to meditate on my favorite "peace" verses and let scripture wash over my fears and whatever else is going on.
The good news is I received a call today that the Christian cancer support group I inquired about is starting an interest meeting this month, perfect timing! God IS in the details!