Torn

I haven't been able to sleep for the last several days and that's WITH my sleeping pills! I didn't go into work today as I don't feel well. There is a huge part of me that wants to call Dr R and start estrogen no matter the risks. This estrogen topic is a daily battle as I want my estrogen back but I don't ever want to hear that my cancer is back. Honestly, I don't want to do any more treatment and I don't think I would consent to any more at this point. If I wasn't married I would simply take the estrogen but there's Mark to think about, if it came back would he be okay with the choices I've made? I think a lot about if the roles where reversed and how I would feel if he was making the same decisions I've been making in this whole ordeal. At times, it would be a very bitter pill and so I give him a lot of credit for hanging in there as well as he has.
I'm very stubborn and don't give up easily but I've got to say I'm getting tired of this battle. I'm tired of doing hard and I hate being trapped in this body lately! I know things could be so much worse...I'm just having one of those days where I hate my circumstance. I hate this new normal!