My first test...

Last night we found out one of our friends is going to have a baby; it's one of those moments that I have been wondering how I would handle and praying for the right heart attitude. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself, these type of announcements are the true test! When I was blindsided by the devastating news that we weren't going to have biological kids, one of my friends gently told me that God either grants the desires of our hearts (in His timing of course) or He changes our hearts desire. Back then, I couldn't imagine how God could heal my wounded heart. I'm that stereotypical girl who played with baby dolls all the while imagining they were my own (I even dressed up the dogs). In high school, my friends voted me to be the first to get married and have lots of kids as it was clear, motherhood was my calling....or so we thought. So with the test of last night, I was truly stunned by another one of God's merciful healing as I found myself genuinely happy for this cute couple. I guess I've secretly been afraid that in these moments, I would be so consumed by my own sadness that I wouldn't be able to stay in the moment and rejoice with my friends. It was in this moment that I realized God has been healing and preparing my heart for such a time as this. He truly knows what we need and at the exact moment we will need it. In my friends announcement, I heard God whisper to me that no matter what my biopsy results show, He will give me what I need, period. It was a real life moment of Psalm 46:10! Now don't get me wrong, there is still loss to be processed as I know I haven't dealt with the full extent of it all. This isn't something you can accept and process all at once, it occurs in small bits and pieces....at least for me. Last night as we watched their announcement video, there was sadness in the fact that we will never make that type of announcement. All the moments of dreaming about how I would tell Mark and family we were pregnant are lost and while it stings now, it's not consuming sadness like I thought it would be. The other part that surprised me is that the different stinging moments have to occur because at the same time that it hurts, it's healing. This whole process is very similar to an open wound--if you want it to heal, it's got to heal from the inside out and the cleaning process never feels good. I'm at that age where those around me are having babies and I'm finding that I'm really okay with that fact. With each baby announcement comes a deeper healing for me, from a worldly stance that doesn't make sense but from a Godly stance, it totally makes sense. I will never understand (at least this side of heaven) why Mark and I have not been gifted biological children, BUT God provides peace and contentment in the loss. And Connie you were right, God IS changing my hearts desires! :)