A year ago today...

I can't help but think how differently today was a year ago! I had started my first chemo treatment several days prior and my mom had been staying with us since my surgery in February. My birthday is tomorrow and a year ago I was so angry with all that we were going through, that I wasn't in the mood to celebrate and I let everyone around me know that too. In retrospect I feel badly for my mom, she wanted to respect my wishes but at the same time she wanted to celebrate my birth. A year ago today, I was SO angry with God and all that He was allowing, I couldn't see His goodness in my circumstance at all. My mom and I spent this day last year with a lot of tears and a lot of turmoil. In order to respect my wishes, she tried to give me some birthday gifts today rather than tomorrow. I remember her coming into the living room with a box for a new skillet and as soon as I saw it, I started crying which in turn made her cry. I kept telling her "why would I want celebrate this year? why didn't God just let me die with the blood clot, why do I have to go through this too?" I'm sure that's not what a mother wants to hear from her child! Through tears my mom revealed her fears that I would give up. We talked about God's character and His sovereignty and how none of this made sense. A year ago today, I felt hopeless, angry, and weak. I did not know if I could endure 6 months of treatment, plus learn to let go of some of my hopes and dreams for the future. We have wedding pictures all over our house and for a period of time, I could not look at them without tears because it represented all that I had lost. What a difference a year makes! I enter this birthday year extremely thankful in a way that I've never experienced. The American Cancer Society says they are the official sponsor of birthdays. :) For the first time in my life, I want this birthday and have a lot to celebrate! I'm still sorting some things out with God but I see and know that He is good, all the time!
Mom, I'm sorry I made this day such a difficult one for you a year ago. Thank you for your patience and simply sitting and crying with me. God restores the smallest of things doesn't He!