What am I doing?

So thankful for my Mother's Day with two beautiful babies because the very next day, DHS called to say that Chrissy's paternal grandmother wanted her. I had just received two boxes full of girl clothes that morning (thank you Michelle) and was so excited to dress her in many of these outfits. Shock and disappointment doesn't describe my emotions properly as I started packing up Chrissy's stuff. I had a couple hours to come to terms with the fact that I would be dropping off this sweetheart and most likely never seeing her again. To be truthful, I just couldn't go there emotionally. So, when Hope & Home called me about another foster placement in the midst of packing up Chrissy's belongings, I didn't even think about it or talk to Mark...I simply said yes. Not the smartest thing I realize now but at the time, it made perfect sense. So the day after I dropped off Chrissy, we gained a 17 month old little boy who was discharged from the hospital. Let me just say that getting info on placements is much like getting a report from the ED on a patient....you never know what you are actually getting until they get there! It took me a day to realize that Brady is NOT 20 months old like I was told but actually 17 months, which helped me relax a bit because I was thinking he was WAY behind in so many areas. He is behind in language as he doesn't talk at all but otherwise, he's a pretty normal boy. Mark and I have really struggled with this placement and it's hard to tell exactly what is so hard. Obviously, we didn't even have time to process the loss of Chrissy before bringing in another child and I know that is part of it. I guess I figured two five month old babies would be much harder than a baby and a toddler, clearly I was wrong. Not that we had much down time with the two babies but for some reason this feels like a lot more work and energy expenditure. Mark and I have discussed and prayed about Brady's situation--do we keep this placement or ask that another family take him? With all our other placements they instantly felt like the perfect placement....this has NOT felt that way at all!! We did talk with our agency and ask that Brady be moved to another family, however, talking with our specific case manager opened up a lot of questions. The truth is that had I given us a 24 hour period after Chrissy left, I wouldn't have accepted this placement. However, do we punish Brady for my mistake as moving him will have an impact on him, it will cause some sort of trauma to him. I've thought about how Alex had been in another foster home for a month before that family said he was too much for them.....and he has been such a blessing and perfect fit for us. I don't think there is a right/wrong answer here. We have gone back and forth on what to do and emotionally I'm spent and a mess. I want to do the right thing for all of us and maybe that means Mark and I need to let some things go. In the meantime, I'm emotionally eating and not that it comforts me or brings me any peace really, it just gives me a few minutes that I don't have to think about this situation. Why can't we be drawn to the "good" for us foods in times like this???
I think we are leaning towards keeping Brady as some of the initial "issues" that appeared to be very time consuming to work out are actually rapidly working themselves out. He is such a sweet-hearted boy, so good natured, and cute. It's hard to give up when it's a child. This appears to be a long placement but you never know in foster care....Chrissy's case looked like it would be a long placement too. Some days I'm angry with these parents, it floors me what people do to their own flesh and blood.

My 1st Mother's Day!

It hasn't escaped me how blessed I am to have two beautiful babies here on Mother's Day....and my first one at that! This is definitely not how I thought we would have kids but God's plans are not mine and His plans are perfect! If someone told me we would be doing this almost two years ago at the start of my treatment, I wouldn't have believed them. I'm SO thankful God worked on my angry heart to help me accept the situation so I could embrace His plans for us. With each child that comes into our home it is not lost on me how different things could have turned out had I let anger and bitterness take deep root in my heart. Each child we receive in our home is truly a gift and a blessing. I'm SO thankful on this special day as I wasn't sure I would ever be a mother and it's something I had always wanted.

I'm so thankful for my mom who has always been there for me. There are MANY things she did for my sister and I that I hope to incorporate with our foster kids. Moms are truly priceless!!! Happy Mother's Day!

It's a girl

I know this is going to sound crazy but we accepted an emergency placement this weekend for a five month old girl. Someone from our foster support group had told us about one of the local churches giving away clothing so we went in search of kids clothes. Mark thought I was simply getting clothes for Alex but I wanted to get a variety because we never know what age group we may get. As I was folding the clothes to put them away I mentioned to Mark that I really wanted a girl, a couple hours later we got one! It was definitely overwhelming at first to think of having a twin type of situation but it has worked out really well. So, we have welcomed Chrissy into our family and she is such a sweetheart! She was taken by DHS under traumatic circumstances so there is a no contact order for both parents and that really helps me as I don't have to worry about visitations just yet. All I can say is that my heart is SO full!!! I LOVE having a boy and a girl, they are absolutely adorable together. It definitely keeps us busy and is a lot of work but it's so worth it. I have no idea what will happen to Chrissy but we would love to adopt her too if given the chance. I wish I could post pictures of them together in their car seats as it is too cute. I will try to keep up with posts but as you can imagine I don't get much free time. :)

A reminder

I forgot to get my port flushed last week so went in today and to my surprise the gals texted Dr P that I was there. He came over from the hospital to see Alex and I and we took pictures. :) I finally got to tell him in person that he was right, it doesn't matter to me that I don't have biological children. The kids in my home are MINE and I love them as though they were biologically mine. He asked how I was doing and we talked a bit, I could see that he is still very guarded about my future and concerned as we come up on the two year mark. Seeing his concern, left me feeling somewhat concerned myself. I've been so busy and so caught up in being a foster parent that I hardly think about my health much these days. This was a reminder that I'm not out of the woods just yet, that things could change in an instant. We talked about the grey areas of surveillance in my case and he presented the pros/cons of getting a CT scan. My old insurance company denied scans and now that I have new insurance, it's something to look into. However, the cons are big....maybe they will see something suspicious, a false-positive even, which could lead to all kinds of prodding and anxiety. Maybe they could catch something early but a biopsy would spread my type of cancer much quicker and who wants that! So, do I get a CT scan before my next appt or not, he is leaving that up to me. We did decide to start obtaining the CA-125 blood test again as that is a sensitive marker for ovarian cancer and my type of cancer was similar. I had asked them to stop doing that blood test as the results were making me anxious but I think it is worth the anxiety. During our conversation, I was once again reminded that if my cancer were to return there isn't a whole lot that can be done. That's unnerving!!! I know that God is in complete control and if my cancer were to return, that's part of His will and He is ALWAYS good. Today was a reminder that life is a gift and that sometimes I let petty things cause me to worry or dictate my priorities. I guess I've been getting a little too comfortable with my good health as of late. It's a good reminder to give God thanks daily, not to take this time for granted, and not to sweat the small stuff. All in all, it was really good to see Dr P and so far, I'm a success story for him which he doesn't get often.

Choice

Lets just say that Alex's mom is starting to struggle in her treatment which brings a whole new emotional wave to our journey. I really like his mom and my heart goes out to her but I'm totally protective of Alex and disappointed by her recent choices. Some days I don't feel like supporting her and I'm angry that she would choose other things instead of her son. I'm learning a lot about choice lately--I'm choosing to trust God in this complicated situation and in Alex's future and I'm choosing to love his mom in spite of her behavior. I realize that Mark and I are an introduction of Christ to her and I take that very seriously, I don't want to misrepresent God. I can't let my feelings dictate my behavior, not even when it comes to this little boy that I love so very much. I love Alex so much that I'll love his mom even when I don't feel like it. It's a blessing that his mom is struggling now while he is in a loving and safe environment. Things appear so messy right now but I know God is in the midst of it all and He is working in ways I can't see just yet. At times, my mantra is "I chose to trust you God, help my unbelief." I knew foster care was going to be hard and it certainly hasn't disappoint. Come quickly Lord! :)