Bittersweet time

On Saturday, we euthanized Jez as our vet had told us the mass on her liver was quite large and four months ago she had a clean check up. This meant her cancer was quite aggressive and we wanted to end things on a good note for her. I didn't want her to get to the point of suffering or in a lot of pain! It was the hardest decision I have ever made!! How rare it is in life to know the exact day of someones last breath and while it was a very bittersweet week for me, it gave me the opportunity to cherish special moments with her. She wasn't just my dog....she was at times my roommate and had become my four-legged kid. When Mark and I tell the story of how we met, it was my schnauzers that started a discussion and connecting point. Her last week was wonderfully filled with her favorite foods and lots of park time. On Saturday, we gave her cheese and ice cream (her all-time favorites), took her to the park and then headed in to the vet. I held her as she took her last breaths and it was a beautiful process. I think Mark and my family have been concerned with how I would handle this whole ordeal because my dogs have become my kids. I have to say that while this has been a VERY difficult time for me, I have been overwhelmed by gratitude and the gentle way God allowed this to unfold. He gave me an extra year and a half to prepare for this moment, and then graciously gave me an additional week to cherish my time with her and say goodbye. I am so touched by the fact that I serve a personable God who truly cares about the things I care about big and small. I was able to see God's loving hands all over Jez's life and especially in this last year and a half. What a loving God to allow me to complete my treatment and get through the holidays with her. She had been a constant reminder that science doesn't know it all, God is in control! Jez provided a lot of hope for me during my treatment.
Here's what I'm really starting to understand from this whole ordeal: I can't make judgements about God based on my circumstances and what I see, because He is working behind the scenes truly knitting everything together for my good. When we got the boys, it appeared to be a horrible and crazy time as Mark was starting school and I was about to start my fifth chemo cycle. Puppies aren't cheap and this decision made no sense to us financially. It was SO out of character for me to make such a big, rash decision and yet Mark and I now see how the timing was perfect. The boys don't replace Jez at all, but it certainly helps fill some of the void. I am SO thankful that Grace hasn't become an only dog as I think that would be a terrible shock to her. She's not thrilled with the boys, but at least it provides some distraction and excitement.

I realized last night, I had a very small glimpse into the kind of love that God has for us by giving us His only son. Putting Jez down was the hardest decision for me and yet the most loving thing I could do for her since she was sick. I can't begin to imagine giving up a healthy child for somebody's life! God gave up His only son for me long before I even cared about Him and how often I take that for granted. I let other distractions take a higher priority many times and what a slap in the face that must be! Who would have thought that through the death of my dog, I would fall a bit deeper in love with the Lord. God is good, all the time!

Bad News

I've been trying to prepare myself for this news when I was first told that Jez's cancer was extremely aggressive and the vet told us the likelihood that it had already spread was quite high. Several months later, I found out that I had cancer. It became my secret prayer that she make it to the one year mark, then that Jez would live through my treatment so I wouldn't have to deal with her loss at the same time. She made it and then my prayer became that she would live through the holiday season. She made it! So while I sat in the vet's clinic today and was told that Jez's cancer has metastasized to her liver, I was filled with gratitude and immense sadness. Gratitude that God granted my prayers and gave me an additional year and a half with Jez. Gratitude as the vet told me most dogs don't live past 14 days with the type of cancer and surgery she had. Gratitude for the lessons I've learned as God used my dogs to teach me a variety of things. Gratitude that God has slowly been preparing me for this moment. Basically, we must decide when to euthanize her and it's not as simple as it sounds. If her tumor bursts she will bleed out very quickly and that is not the way I want her to die. For the most part, her personality is still there and she enjoys her favorite things, so it's a difficult decision. Part of my sadness tonight is that Jez was beating the odds and it gave me a lot of hope for my own situation. I would look at her and be reminded that science doesn't know it all! Please pray for us as we make this difficult decision, I want to do the right thing at the right time. I'm really beginning to hate cancer!!!

"Beauty Will Rise" - Steven Curtis Chapman

Heard this song for the first time during a very dark period as I was trying to come to terms with all that God was allowing. Very Powerful! Enjoy!

Caleb & Will Chapman - We Will Wait - NY 2010

Dependence

During my quiet time today it became apparent as to why I'm struggling so much lately. I'm in a season of life where God is asking me to depend on Him 100% and I don't like it. I don't really have much choice as there is so much going on in my life right now that I can't control, my attitude, however, is a different story. I'm angry because simply put I don't like the way God is handling things, it's not how I would handle them. I've been so focused on how screwed up everything appears to be that I'm probably missing what God is trying to teach me lately. I think God has been asking me to let go and give up control lately, it's not something that comes naturally to me. It's not something I like to do! I'm very aware that I can't do life on my own but I don't seem to fully accept that at heart level. I keep trying to handle my circumstances the way I think I should, become overwhelmed, frustrated, angry, and wonder where are you God? He's just waiting for me to give up, to stop struggling and wrestling for control. He's waiting for me to be still. God is a gentlemen! My inner two year has been working overtime so far this year and it's no wonder I'm so miserable! Help me to give up Lord, help me to stop, to let go, be still.

Aftermath update

On the lymphedema front, I'm still wearing the compression stocking daily and doing my exercises (which will be needed for the rest of my life). When I measured my leg the other day, there was only half an inch difference now, so that's an improvement! :) I will do a trial of no compression stocking in the middle of February and see how things go. I will always have to wear the stocking when I work because I'm on my feet so much and the lymph specialist recommended I wear it during exercise as well. The stocking has greatly improved the pain where most days my leg doesn't hurt.

In regards to all the menopause stuff, lets just say it has been very difficult. This past weekend I decided I have had it and I want to go on estrogen. Mark and I discussed it and it was a tense weekend as we don't see things eye to eye. I completely understand his point of view, I'm just not sure what it will take for him to see things from my perspective. I made an appointment with my GYN and after discussing my situation with her yesterday, I came away disappointed and in tears, but also a little relieved. Before she is willing to prescribe estrogen I HAVE to do a trial of effexor (which is an antidepressant) because it is the med of choice for hot flashes for women with cancer who can't have hormones. I have NOT wanted to take an antidepressant for hot flashes!!! But I don't have a choice at this point, if I want estrogen in the future, I have to go this route. Dr Ridnour kept telling me this medication made a world of difference to one of her other patients and that it worked immediately. So today is my first day taking the lowest possible dose of effexor and honestly, I hope it fixes the hot flashes and I start sleeping again. I'm disappointed because I was so hopeful in taking ONE medication that can potentially fix SO many of my issues, rather than treat one issue at a time with something else. I am beyond frustrated with taking something to fix one problem, only to find that yes, it fixes that problem but creates other issues for me. At the same time, I'm somewhat relieved not to start estrogen yet because it carries some serious risks. I want to make sure that if and when I start estrogen, I've exhausted all the alternatives first so that I won't feel guilty if something bad occurs. Plus, I would hope that at the point I start taking estrogen, Mark can be on board too. It's a difficult subject and we both have valid points. Anyway, the goal is that effexor will completely stop the hot flashes and night sweats, I will be able to sleep again and discontinue my sleeping pill plus clonidine. If I can get rid of a couple of pills with one pill, there will be some progress!

Work and God

I worked my first 12 hour shift on Sunday and it went quite well, I can do it! :) It's such a relief to know that physically I can do it, I'm more tired than I used to be but I can do it. One of my patients had a colonoscopy and found out that he has colon cancer with possible mets to the liver. We probably shouldn't have favorite patients but he became my favorite out of the group. I was with his family the minute they found out it was cancer, and my heart went out to them as I understand how their world changed in that moment. I didn't share my story with them because they already have the hope they need. In talking with the patient, he is a recovered alcoholic and a Christian, so we started talking about our faith and how no matter what happens in his case, everything will be okay. I found him to be truly inspiring, there is something so special about Christians during a crisis. It was a relief to know that I can work with cancer patients and not fall apart emotionally. I think the difference from the other day is that at this time, I can't work on cancer patients close to my age or situation. It's too close to home and I'm simply not ready. Depending on the situation, in the future if I get a cancer patient that's too close to my own situation, I will ask another nurse to trade cases with me. Safety first! I'm not sure if this is a cowards way out, but I know I'm not giving the patient the best care if I'm too emotionally involved! I find it interesting that no matter which department I work in lately, I get a cancer patient. Is God trying to tell me something?

As for my relationship with God, I am wrestling with Him these days. I'm angry and disappointed with a variety of things and then I feel guilty because I do see His blessings. Lately, I feel like I have a dysfunctional relationship with God and the dysfunction is coming from my part, not His. I'm in an awkward place, that's the only way I can describe it. I can't properly describe how shocking this emotional roller coaster is that comes with the cancer journey. I don't know what I expected but the peaks and valleys are much greater than I anticipated. Some days I truly feel like a crazy person, it's odd.

An off day

It was a tearful day after work yesterday and I'm not entirely sure what's behind it all. I'm training in the outpatient infusion center (C3) which is a sister unit of oncology but they deal with all kinds of patients, not just cancer patients. This unit is VERY fast paced which normally I love but it was a bit overwhelming to me yesterday and they are very disorganized too! I found that the acuity of the cancer patients to be quite high; they come in for hydration and need all kinds of IV meds, blood products etc. I did NOT enjoy working in this unit and yet for some reason God seems to be opening up some doors here. It's not a full 12hr shift but it certainly felt like I worked 12 plus hours as my legs were killing me. I know better than to judge a unit by one shift as I've had bad shifts in every area I've worked, so I'll give it more time. It sort of feels like I'm starting all over in my career, confidence-wise I feel like a new grad in some aspects. I haven't done bedside nursing in over a year so I'm trying to quickly remember how to do all sorts of things, plus learn new policies...all while not hurting someone. Yesterday, I was given a 33 year old cancer patient who was a train wreck and to be honest, I did not want this patient! I don't know if taking care of her scared me or made me feel guilty because I had done so well in my own treatment. I felt like this case was way too close to home and it was hard to separate myself from her emotionally....and you can't give good care when you are emotionally involved!! My whole experience yesterday made me doubt if I should work with cancer patients at all, I'm not sure this is a good area for me. I worked on a med/surg unit last weekend and loved the whole bedside nursing experience, so I can't explain why this experience bothered me so much. I'll be working on a cardiac unit tomorrow (my first full 12 hour shift) and I'll see how it goes. Maybe I was having an off day? Maybe I don't have the stamina for this yet? Maybe cancer patients are starting to scare me because I'm afraid my journey isn't over yet? I can't put my finger on why the shift yesterday went so badly. I've always loved nursing and right now, I just need something to be familiar. Everything feels new, different, uncomfortable post-cancer....I want some things to be like it was pre-cancer! Maybe I'm just on an emotional progesterone roller coaster these days!

A true partner

I have the BEST husband out there hands down! Mark has been put to the test early on in our marriage, it's easy to say the vows, it's another thing to truly live them out. Sometimes I'm still amazed at how perfectly matched we are, God knew exactly what kind of man I needed. Four months before we were married, I had a blood clot to the head and that gave me a small glimpse of just how special he is. For those that don't know Mark, he is EXTREMELY patient (my parents have always said I'll need a patient man), he has a generous heart, a man of integrity and character, and a well balanced man, just to name a few of his qualities. I learn so much through him and have been surprised at how God uses Mark to teach me things, especially in the areas I am weaker. The areas that I lack, Mark excels in and it gives me a real life picture of what to strive for. I've heard how some men shut down/withdraw when they are unable to solve a problem and cancer is a big unsolvable problem for a spouse! Mark has never shut down, he has always been a listening ear and by my side through this whole ordeal. I completely understand when the bible says that women are the "weaker vessel," because there is no way I would have been able to hold up emotionally as well as Mark has through these past couple years. I can't tell you how many times Mark has had to make his own meals, clean around the house, do laundry, take care of the dogs, and take care of a variety of other things when I couldn't, and he did them without complaining. I can't fully understand what it has been like for him to be on the other side of cancer, I think his side is the harder one. I know 2010 was a very stressful year, one of the "gifts" however, was seeing just how much my husband loves me and has been willing to live out our vows-for better, for worse, in sickness and in health. He is a true partner and there is no way I could have done treatment without him!! I will never forget coming out of surgery and finding out for the first time the type of cancer it was and that chemo would be required. I had a fairly good idea of what we would be walking into, Mark did not, he really didn't care what lay ahead, he just made it clear to me that whatever was in our future, we would do together. Leading up to surgery, I had told him I would never do chemo/radiation, but in that moment everything changed.
Now that we are on this menopause roller coaster, thank you for hanging in there with me. I know we will get this figured out one way or another!

Life breathing words

2011 so far is just plain hard with so many uncertainties and unknowns. I've been struggling a lot this year with a variety of things and I'm finding myself weighted down with fear. I didn't think I would get through last year as well as I did and to be truthful, I don't want to go through that amount of hardship this year. We have white boards throughout the house that I write my to do and grocery lists on and I'll write scriptures that I need in order to get through different circumstances. Last year, you would have seen a variety of scriptures on peace, they were my mantra through tests and treatments. Well, my first scripture of this year is 2 Timothy 1:7, "For God did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, of love and of sound mind." I'm trying to get my eyes off my circumstances and fixed back on God where they should be anyway. Last year I learned that peace is the calm assurance that what God is doing is best. I'm still wrestling with God on a variety of matters this year, it is so hard for me to give up control! I think the only way to overcome my inner two year old is going to be with scriptures!

Baby Molly | Baby Molly

Please join me in praying for this family. I have never met them before but their story is incredibly touching and I'm sure they could use all the prayers possible!


Baby Molly Baby Molly

Struggling with the aftermath

I'm really having a hard time with all the menopause symptoms, things seem to be worse since my remaining ovary was removed. It's hard to understand because I know that ovary was dead but it leaves me wondering if a small amount of hormones were being released. I figured I might as well write all this down so I can document what works and what doesn't, maybe this will help me over time. Over the holiday break, I have been reading a variety of books on menopause searching for ways to manage my symptoms without estrogen. The hard part about doing things naturally is that they take time, there is no quick fix and it's hard to be patient to see if this even works. The hardest part for me is that no matter what I do, I'm not sleeping well at all. I wake up many times sweaty, my sleeping pill doesn't seem to cut it anymore and I've had to increase clonodine (which is a blood pressure med that is supposed to help with hot flashes). I don't get out of bed before 8am anymore and sometimes Mark wakes me up at 9:30, otherwise I'm not sure what time I would naturally wake up. Even at these late hours, I wake up feeling exhausted and it takes me awhile before I actually feel awake and ready to tackle the day. It is so discouraging because by this point I've already wasted half my day! This is very worrisome as I try to get plugged into a schedule at the hospital. I'm not sure how I will manage getting up so early! Physically I know I can do it but I tend to feel crappy on the days that I do get up early; I'm wondering how I will do working 12 hours on top of it all. My other problem is that my skin has been breaking out quite a bit and I'm sure it's due to dryness. No matter how many creams or lotions I apply, it doesn't seem to be enough moisture. Another issue is that I notice that I crave sugar like I've never craved it before, I've always been more into bread than sugar. Many people don't realize it but sugar is the fuel to cancer cells, radiology uses radioactive glucose in PET scans because a cancer cell readily eats up that sugar. It's not that I can't have sugar, but I'm trying to be very wise in the amount and type of sugar that I eat knowing what I know about cancer and sugar. Plus, sugar is a trigger for hot flashes so that's another deterent to stay away from it as much as possible. At first I thought my cravings were simply defiant as I'm not fond of rules and being told what I can't have. (I am working on my inner two year old this year!!) So I was somewhat relieved to find in all my research that my sugar cravings and acne are all a part of the hormonal imbalance I'm going through. I found a wonderful book on sudden menopause written by a woman who went through menopause younger than me due to ovarian cancer. I'm the kind of person though that wants multiple sources to back things up before I give them a try as there are some crazy suggestions out there! I have found this book reliable and so am willing to give her suggestions a try. Here's what I've found and am trying:



1. Glucosame Chondrotion really does work for joint pain.

2. Clonodine helps hot flashes but I'm constantly increasing/decreasing the dose as my body adjusts to it. These meds make me tired and so I only take them at night.

3. Just started Vit E and magnesium as they are supposed to help with fatigue and insomnia.

4. I'm trying Black Cohosh, I'll let you know if this actually works or not.

5. Melatonin does nothing for me....I know it works for some though.

6. Taking calcium supplements is vital to try and prevent osteoporosis in the future.

7. Just ordered NATURAL progesterone cream as I've read that it really helps combat multiple menopausal symptoms. The key is natural though as I've tried the synthetic version in pill form and it exaserbated all my symptoms, plus I started retaining fluid. I'll let you know how the natural cream works.



This is sort of my last shot, if all these vitamins and medications don't start working in the next two months, I will probably go on estrogen against the advice of Dr P and the tumor board. There is a lot at stake because taking estrogen at this point means accepting an uncertain amount of risk that the estrogen would feed any microscopic cancer cells out there. I NEVER want to do treatment again but there must be a balance with quality of life. I do not feel like myself at all, I have aged overnight and my symptoms are driving me nuts. I'm a 32 year old trapped in a 50 something body that literally occurred in a matter of weeks and I'm finding this to be my most bitter and difficult adjustment. How would you like to physically lose over a decade in the blink of an eye? Most doctors try to scare me into avoiding estrogen all together and believe me, I'm scared and hope that I can find other ways to manage, BUT I have to feel good or what's the point. I'm doing what I can, exhausting a lot of options, and praying this natural progesterone will be the key for me. If this doesn't work, I can almost guarentee that by Summer, I'll be on bioidentical estrogen. I've always been somewhat of a risk-taker, but for once in my life this is a risk I'm praying I won't have to take.