Work and God

I worked my first 12 hour shift on Sunday and it went quite well, I can do it! :) It's such a relief to know that physically I can do it, I'm more tired than I used to be but I can do it. One of my patients had a colonoscopy and found out that he has colon cancer with possible mets to the liver. We probably shouldn't have favorite patients but he became my favorite out of the group. I was with his family the minute they found out it was cancer, and my heart went out to them as I understand how their world changed in that moment. I didn't share my story with them because they already have the hope they need. In talking with the patient, he is a recovered alcoholic and a Christian, so we started talking about our faith and how no matter what happens in his case, everything will be okay. I found him to be truly inspiring, there is something so special about Christians during a crisis. It was a relief to know that I can work with cancer patients and not fall apart emotionally. I think the difference from the other day is that at this time, I can't work on cancer patients close to my age or situation. It's too close to home and I'm simply not ready. Depending on the situation, in the future if I get a cancer patient that's too close to my own situation, I will ask another nurse to trade cases with me. Safety first! I'm not sure if this is a cowards way out, but I know I'm not giving the patient the best care if I'm too emotionally involved! I find it interesting that no matter which department I work in lately, I get a cancer patient. Is God trying to tell me something?

As for my relationship with God, I am wrestling with Him these days. I'm angry and disappointed with a variety of things and then I feel guilty because I do see His blessings. Lately, I feel like I have a dysfunctional relationship with God and the dysfunction is coming from my part, not His. I'm in an awkward place, that's the only way I can describe it. I can't properly describe how shocking this emotional roller coaster is that comes with the cancer journey. I don't know what I expected but the peaks and valleys are much greater than I anticipated. Some days I truly feel like a crazy person, it's odd.