An off day

It was a tearful day after work yesterday and I'm not entirely sure what's behind it all. I'm training in the outpatient infusion center (C3) which is a sister unit of oncology but they deal with all kinds of patients, not just cancer patients. This unit is VERY fast paced which normally I love but it was a bit overwhelming to me yesterday and they are very disorganized too! I found that the acuity of the cancer patients to be quite high; they come in for hydration and need all kinds of IV meds, blood products etc. I did NOT enjoy working in this unit and yet for some reason God seems to be opening up some doors here. It's not a full 12hr shift but it certainly felt like I worked 12 plus hours as my legs were killing me. I know better than to judge a unit by one shift as I've had bad shifts in every area I've worked, so I'll give it more time. It sort of feels like I'm starting all over in my career, confidence-wise I feel like a new grad in some aspects. I haven't done bedside nursing in over a year so I'm trying to quickly remember how to do all sorts of things, plus learn new policies...all while not hurting someone. Yesterday, I was given a 33 year old cancer patient who was a train wreck and to be honest, I did not want this patient! I don't know if taking care of her scared me or made me feel guilty because I had done so well in my own treatment. I felt like this case was way too close to home and it was hard to separate myself from her emotionally....and you can't give good care when you are emotionally involved!! My whole experience yesterday made me doubt if I should work with cancer patients at all, I'm not sure this is a good area for me. I worked on a med/surg unit last weekend and loved the whole bedside nursing experience, so I can't explain why this experience bothered me so much. I'll be working on a cardiac unit tomorrow (my first full 12 hour shift) and I'll see how it goes. Maybe I was having an off day? Maybe I don't have the stamina for this yet? Maybe cancer patients are starting to scare me because I'm afraid my journey isn't over yet? I can't put my finger on why the shift yesterday went so badly. I've always loved nursing and right now, I just need something to be familiar. Everything feels new, different, uncomfortable post-cancer....I want some things to be like it was pre-cancer! Maybe I'm just on an emotional progesterone roller coaster these days!