Coming out of the chemo funk....

While I'm more fatigued this chemo round, today I'm starting to feel more like myself again. Water tastes good and that's when I really know I'm coming out of the chemo funk. I went to do my weekly blood test and saw students and to be honest I wasn't thrilled. I know everyone needs to learn by doing and I once was in the same position. Fortunately for me, I have wonderful veins that pretty much build the confidence of students so I always give them a shot, but they get one chance and that's it. I used to keep my mouth shut and let students try as many times as needed because I know it's part of the learning process but not anymore, I'm tired of being poked these days. I'm happy to report that my student did a great job first time around.
I'm starting to lose my eyelashes and eyebrows and I'm not happy about it. I suppose I'm glad this doesn't all happen at once, it gives me time to adjust to my changing look. I'm doing the "Look good, feel better" makeover program for cancer patients next week and hopefully that will help me feel a bit more prepared for my ever-changing look.



I've been wrestling with the issue of work...when to go back. Infectious Disease needs help while one of my co-workers will be out on leave for cancer-related issues, so I've started to schedule a few shifts with them. I'm also in the process of working something out with the hospital to either work shorter shifts or work in outpatient infusion (similar to ID). I'm very determined to work while going through treatment but it does make me nervous. Will I have the energy needed? Will my patients be able to tell I'm sick? Will I catch something while my immune system is down? It's a risk but one my oncologist has approved as long as my blood counts stay up. I haven't worked since the end of January and for some reason going back to work makes me a bit nervous/excited. I want things to be as "normal" as possible and I love being a nurse, so in many ways I want to get back to it. I know I will be able to relate to my patients in a whole new way and hopefully I will be able to make whatever they are facing a bit easier. And it will be good to get away from my own situation for several hours a day. I want to try working two days a week and see how that goes. I think getting back to work will be good for me, gives me a purpose and helps me feel like I'm not losing too many nursing skills. I miss ICU a ton and worry that I'm losing all kinds of skills but I know one day I will get back to it.

It's a beautiful day in Colorado. While I can't spend much time in the sun, I would like for my bald head to get some color!

Day 5 Cycle 2

Trying to document how each cycle goes in the hopes of finding patterns:
I am SO tired this chemo cycle and was told this would probably happen. I am still able to clean, cook, and do the things most important to me, it just takes me longer. I am thankful I can do things for myself still as I don't want to be a burden.
The other fun changes I'm noticing is that chemo is affecting my bowels and I'm starting to get waves of nausea. Both of these symptoms are not bad and do not require meds and I hope it stays that way.
I struggle the most with water. I'm a coffee drinker and always seem to border on dehydration, so the fact that I'm supposed to drink tons of water on chemo is not appealing to me. Not to mention that for days after chemo water tastes bad, it has become a major struggle to drink it. So far mixing water with Sprite or Propel seems to help but just barely. I know this is vital for my kidneys and so I've given up coffee for now, because the thought of drinking extra water to replace the coffee just isn't worth it. What seems to help me when I can't stand water is eating soup (because it's got water) and hot chocolate. It may not be a balanced diet but it's what works for now.

I have fallen in love with fresh air and didn't realize how much I missed it until I was confined to the house post-op. There are days where I honestly feel like staying on the couch all day and having a pity party, but once I take a walk outside, my whole outlook and mood is better. Fresh air is therapeutic and once I start working again, I will do whatever I can to help my patients get outside. Walking the dogs the other day, I realized how fortunate I am to be doing treatment during this season of the year. I can't imagine going through all this during the dead of winter!

Cancer is a humbling experience, there is no way an individual can do this by themselves. It's very hard for me to ask for help until I'm drowning but I'm rapidly learning to ask. My wonderful small group keeps reminding me that by not asking for help, I rob others of their blessing.....that's a different way to look at it. I'm very blessed to have family and friends who are willing to help me out any way that they can. We were provided a meal this week and told another meal will be coming and at first I felt guilty. Today I'm capable of cooking and am starting to feel better but it's taken me all day to clean one level of the house and I'm exhausted. I'm very thankful I don't have to cook tonight or watch Mark cook something for himself as he already works hard enough. So I'm letting go of the guilt and saving up my energy to do other things.

It worked!

I am thrilled to report that the claritin worked!!! By this day the last time, I could hardly walk and needed help with everything and this time I simply feel like I have the achy flu. I will no longer complain about Neulasta as this is very doable. I'm actually thrilled to know I can do whatever I want these next couple of days and I'm not confined to the couch or my bed. The nurse part of me wants to know how this works (no one knows why this works) but the patient part of me could care less, I'm just happy.

Today is a better day all the way around. I'm still trying to sort issues out and figure out this next part of treatment. I know I shouldn't freak out about menopause as this is something I will go through anyway.....it bothers me to go through it so young though! I think I will feel better once I talk with the radiation docs as I will be very blunt about what's important to me. I'm all for aggressive treatment as long as I still have a good quality of life too.

Went to church yesterday and someone from my small group who I haven't seen in awhile didn't recognize me with my wig. It was an awkward moment but I'm sure this sort of thing will happen more and more. His wife lost her battle with cancer so he knows exactly what we are going through and has been praying for us. He thought I looked good and I guess I'm going to have to trust others when they tell me that.

Not a good day....

Let me start by saying that while I'm thankful for the Neulasta shot as it keeps my blood counts up and therefore out of the hospital, I hate this shot!! I tried taking claritin as suggested and I'm not sure it really helps, the nurses have told me that the younger the patient, the more severe the bone pain and not much can be done about it. So I think waking up this morning feeling like crap and knowing that by tonight I will have severe bone pain and hardly able to walk for a couple of days didn't put me in the best of moods. I'm really struggling with my conversation with Dr P and I have zero peace over radiation--I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! Dr P presented my case to the tumor board and they have decided that my remaining ovary needs to come out. We had discussed this right after surgery and because radiation will kill my ovary, we both agreed to simply leave it. I am not thrilled about having yet another surgery, being placed on lifting restrictions, work restrictions etc. but I understand why they want it out. And I can't spend much time feeling sorry for myself because I choose this route when I was adamant he leave me with an ovary. I knew another surgery was a possibility and I guess I wouldn't change my decisions based on the info I had at the time. I guess what bothers me about this is that it's another unexpected, unpleasant surprise. Anyway, the good news is that we won't do this surgery until sometime in Nov, that should be about 3 months after I've completed treatment and that way he can take another look at things to see how I'm doing. There is some comfort in knowing he will see what's going on after all these treatments. The thing that bothers me the most right now is knowing I'm soon going to head into menopause and I don't want to do this at 32! I was sort of ok with it all once I found out the type of cancer I had because this is not supposed to be hormone related, so I was expecting to go on HRT once I started radiation. I had picked out the type I wanted and felt this was a compromise as I've been telling Mark all along that I'm not sure I can do radiation. Somehow, thinking I wouldn't have to deal with menopause symptoms on top of radiation side effects made me feel like I just might be able to do this part of treatment. In talking to Dr P about it all, he very clearly has said no hormones "for years" until I prove the cancer is gone. I understand his fears, but if my cancer is not hormone related than why not? I've asked that the pathology dept test my cancer to see if it is estrogen receptor positive or negative as they don't typically run those tests for uterine cancer. I don't know why I want this info to be honest, it's not like I will fully trust it. I will never fully trust any test I have; I mean if the pathology to my cancer came back TWICE as a different and less aggressive type than what I truly have than what kind of test can I trust? I'm right back to another agonizing decision---a good quality of life with hormones (if I need them) or risk getting cancer again. I have told Dr P so many times that I want a good quality of life and if that means a shorter life, that's what it means. Why can't I have both? I do not want cancer again, I don't think I could ever do this sort of thing again. But I don't want to come away from treatment scarred and miserable either, there's got to be a balance! I don't know, today I'm struggling with the fact that I'm facing another loss in the form of menopause. I need a miracle God, I need to feel like myself, to feel good once the estrogen is gone! This just isn't a good day for many reasons but thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.

Chemo Round 2

I started this blog shortly after finding out I had cancer because I knew this would be a journey and I was hoping to record whatever miracles God was going to do. While He hasn't exactly done things the way I would have hoped, I still see His hand at work and that's always exciting. I'm truly learning to live for each day and not worry so much about tomorrow. I'm a planner and I want to be prepared for everything but that's not what God calls us to do. This is a new way to live and sometimes it's stressful because it's out of my comfort box but mostly there is peace when living and focusing on today, not yesterday or tomorrow. I don't know what the rest of my cancer journey will look like and I'm slowly learning that worrying about it isn't going to change it anyway. I know whose hands I'm in and I know He promises whatever happens to me He will use it for my good....and I'm hanging on that promise until I see it come true.

My second round of chemo went even better than the first (and the first wasn't bad) as I didn't experience some of the nausea this time around. I'm not experiencing any of the bad tastes I had before, so I can actually eat and drink as I should be doing. While seeing my oncologist yesterday he asked how I was feeling and I told him I'm feeling better than I have in years. That news spread around the office as I'm sure they don't hear that every day. I'm really starting to see God's hand on me during my treatments, giving me what I need to get through each day, helping me emotionally, and protecting me from many of the bad side effects chemo can give. I'm sure there will be bad days ahead but I'm so thankful for the many good days He has given already. I honestly didn't expect to feel this good on chemo and it's a wonderful surprise and gift from God.

I shaved my head on 3/22 because it was falling out in clumps and that was more than I could handle. I was hoping to make it to my second chemo treatment with my own hair but my hair isn't as stubborn as I am after all. The day I shaved it was very emotional and hard as reality set in right then and there. It's easy sometimes to forget I have cancer when I feel so good lately and I look the same on the outside. Now that I'm bald there is a constant reminder that I'm "sick" and part of me really dislikes that, especially on the days I don't feel sick. People treat me differently too, they tend to be nicer or I can see the look of pity and most days it doesn't bother me too much but some days I hate it. Being bald takes away my option of who knows I have cancer and who doesn't and that really bugs me. There is so much loss of control when you have cancer and for a control-freak like me, that is very hard! I have my 2 wigs and they are ok, it's probably going to take some time to adjust to them. My wigs have far more volume than I ever have and always wanted but it's weird to see them on me. There's a lot of insecurity with my wigs too--I wonder if people are staring at my wig, can they tell it's a wig. Weather issues like wind and rain can pose a problem probably because I'm not comfortable with my wigs yet. I'm sure it gets easier with time. There are perks to not having hair--I'll spend less on shampoos/conditioners, hair products and hair cuts, and I'm able to get ready SO much quicker. I'm almost as fast as Mark now, I always envied how quickly he got ready. Be careful what you wish for I guess. :)

I find it so amusing that everyone at the cancer center wanted to see my head, there's something about bald heads that they like and find "cute." Dr P told me I was the "best looking bald patient he has" ( I think he was trying to make me feel better about being bald). Being bald seems to be a badge of courage at the cancer center and I'm not sure I feel the same way about it yet. I'm focusing on this being temporary and praying God gives me thick and maybe some curl to my hair when it starts growing back.

In spite of all the losses happening for Mark and I, there is much to be thankful about. I think as a couple we are gaining a whole new perspective on life, marriage, and our relationship with Christ. I would NEVER have chosen this path but I'm hopeful for what will come from it. I hope we are better individuals and a better couple because of cancer. I hope at the end of all of this we can look around and truly say that God is good....all the time. We shall see what this journey holds.

Every day is different

I woke up today thankful that I still have hair. :) I'm meeting with a friend later this evening that I haven't seen in awhile and I really wanted my own hair to see her, so I've made it! It's interesting to me how each day is so different from the next. Yesterday morning I was quite upset about all the hair I was losing, today it bothers me but I'm no where near to tears. I've been praying that I will simply accept this part of the process and not freak out once I'm bald. Anyway, started the morning taking the dogs for a walk and enjoyed the beautiful weather here....overall, I'm just thankful and what a difference a day makes! I'm thankful that I can still cook, clean, do basically what I want and I feel quite good for being on chemo. I can still be a wife and Mark doesn't have to do everything...yet.

I'm a little anxious about my upcoming second cycle; I'm hoping I won't feel quite as bad from Neulasta this time around because I WILL take claritin. Mark will do this cycle with me so he will be able to see what this whole process is like. Because he is on Spring break next week, I'm hoping we can get away and do fun things at the beginning of the week. I used to find going on trips stressful, trying to find a place that accepts dogs, packing everything we need, having the house cleaned beforehand etc. Now I'm simply grateful that we CAN get away for a bit and I welcome any type of stress that comes with trips. I realized the other day that somewhere along the way in college I became pretty rigid and less spontaneous and since starting chemo, maybe I'm starting to move towards spontaneity again. Cancer certainly puts things into perspective and I really want to enjoy my life with Mark for as long as God allows me. Anyway, hopefully we will both remain healthy so we can actually get away for a bit this upcoming week cause chemo is starting again soon.

Let the falling out begin...

Well, it's starting to happen and pretty much on time too. Hair falls out throughout the day, comes out in my brushes, and if I run my fingers through my hair, out it comes. It's hard even though I knew this would happen, it's still hard! I've got a dinner date with a friend and I hope to still have hair when I see her. I'm pretty sure by the time this weekend comes, I will have it coming out in clumps and so it will be time to shave everything off. In some ways I hope it gradually thins and in other ways, I hope it starts coming out in bunches so I know it's time to get rid of everything. We will see how this progresses.

I took the girls out for a walk by myself today and it felt good. I'm celebrating all the little things that I used to do that I'm again able to do. I honestly didn't expect to feel this good on chemo, so this is a complete blessing. I'm a bit anxious knowing my second cycle is coming up as you never know how this is going to work.....maybe it will be cumulitive and I won't feel quite as good with each cycle. Anyway, for now I'm trying to really enjoy the good days.

For the most part I'm recovering well from my surgery. I have days where swelling comes back and I keep wondering if I over did something or is this the beginning of lymphadema. I can't wait for my body to be completely healed so I can stop worrying about whether I'm working out too hard or lifting something I'm not supposed to. I'm amazed at the progress so far but ready to be healed and done with the hysterectomy part of stuff.

Neulasta

This first cycle has been hard because each day I go to bed wondering what tomorrow will be like. Am I finally going to feel like crap? I hate not knowing, that's the hardest part!
24 hrs after chemo I get the Neulasta shot to help stimulate my bone marrow to produce more cells. This helps blood counts return faster and helps keep people out of the hospital while they are on chemo. One of the downsides is that it causes bone pain, for some it's severe and for others it's mild aches and pains. I was told I could take claritin before (they don't know how it helps but it greatly reduces the pain) or I could take pain meds. Because some people don't have much difficulty with the shot I decided not to take anything and simply see how this cycle goes. I hate taking so many drugs and I only want to take the ones I absolutely have to take. At first it wasn't too bad, my eyes hurt, had a headache, and my arms hurt. However, the second night was horrible and from now on, I'm taking the claritin. I've never experienced this type of pain before, it felt like my bones were having mini-explosions inside of them. I knew this was normal and so was hoping I could manage through.....ended up in finally taking some ibuprofen just to take the edge off so I could get some sleep. I don't know how people with bone cancers do it!

I've been cranky and tearful since chemo in part because my port site has been so sore. I haven't been able to move my left arm the way I want and I'm much slower at certain tasks. I understood there would be some discomfort for a day or two but yesterday, I was ready for the port to be taken out. Today, I'm doing better and have more range of motion to my arm so this is managable. I guess I need to be patient, I can't expect my body to heal so quickly on everything.

I hope I sleep tonight as I've been sleeping a lot throughout the day. My body still hurts so there isn't much I can actually do.....I just need the mind to shut off for a bit. Did I mention that I hate being a patient, I'm not good on this side of things!

Day 2--Cycle 1

Whenever you get chemo they start counting days with day 1 being infusion day. They recommend you keep a journal to see how you feeling throughout chemo so that you may be able to see patterns in between your chemo cycles. Overall, my chemo infusion went very well, no real interactions. I didn't feel the greatest with the carboplantin, felt a bit nauseous and when they took my bp I was running around 150/99. I'm sure the bp is due to all the saline infusions as this was my second day getting infused. Next chemo cycle, I will try to eat some carbs/protein while the carboplantin is running and see if that improves things. I came home from chemo pretty exhausted but felt pretty good for the most part. After spending some time at home reality hit and I was fairly tearful the rest of the night. There is no turning back, these toxic chemicals are in my body and now I simply have to sit and wait to see how I will respond. When will my hair fall out? When will the nausea come? When will things start to taste metalic? It's a bit overwelming! I keep wondering how my liver and kidneys are doing processing all these drugs....I don't like it!

I woke up today and feel pretty good actually, just sore from the port insert. I feel a huge need to clean the house and do all the things that are important to me this morning before I go get the neulasta shot this afternoon. I've heard that the shot can make you feel like you have the achy flu to the point you stay in bed for a couple of days. Some people have mild aches that don't interfere too much with life, so it's 50/50. I hate not knowing how I'm going to react to stuff and what I will/won't be able to do. It's all about being patient and taking things one at a time...and I'm not very good at that. I'm still tearful since getting chemo yesterday and I think it's because this is all becoming real. I'm sure this is normal and I just have to go with it.

I found out one of my friends cut her hair and donated it to Locks of Love in my honor. I don't know what to say about that, I'm beyond touched that she would do that. It was a huge reminder that I have so many wonderful people in my corner praying for me and willing to do whatever they can to help. I'm trying hard to not lose sight of the blessings around me because they are always there. Mark has been great, lets me cry and constantly reminds me that we are in this together. I know he is scared about what is coming as he has no experience with cancer and the effects of chemo, but he's willing to walk through this with me simply because he wants me around for awhile. I'm so lucky to have Mark, I can't imagine dealing with all of this without him!

Port and chemo

Had my port inserted yesterday and overall, it went very well. I have to say I'm very blessed to have the oncologist that I have! He makes me feel like we really are a team and he absolutely cares about what happens to me as a WHOLE person. Anyway, it was a long day at the hospital yesterday which I wasn't expecting but everything went well and I was thankful to have my mom keep me company.

Today is the big day, chemo cycle 1 of 6! I am SO sore at the port site and so thankful the needle was already left in place as I don't think I could handle someone accessing my port today. I'm excited to get the needle out tonight so I can shower and not have to worry about water getting inside the sterile field.
I'm nervous about having all this drugs pumped into my body, poisonous drugs at that! However, I'm worried that maybe I won't tolerate one of the toxic chemo drugs as I need them. I am praying for few side effects and simply hope that I am able to do the normal activities around the house and possibly work a shift or two in between each cycle. I'm NOT looking forward to losing my hair and I think that will turn this whole ordeal into reality. It still feel surreal as I look like myself. I don't look forward to looking like a sick person, I know I'm sick but as long as I don't look sick, I feel better about the whole situation. Odd but that's how it is. Well, here's to hoping the chemo goes smoothly and I keep my hair for as long as I can. Please please please let me keep my eyelashes Lord. :)