I started this blog shortly after finding out I had cancer because I knew this would be a journey and I was hoping to record whatever miracles God was going to do. While He hasn't exactly done things the way I would have hoped, I still see His hand at work and that's always exciting. I'm truly learning to live for each day and not worry so much about tomorrow. I'm a planner and I want to be prepared for everything but that's not what God calls us to do. This is a new way to live and sometimes it's stressful because it's out of my comfort box but mostly there is peace when living and focusing on today, not yesterday or tomorrow. I don't know what the rest of my cancer journey will look like and I'm slowly learning that worrying about it isn't going to change it anyway. I know whose hands I'm in and I know He promises whatever happens to me He will use it for my good....and I'm hanging on that promise until I see it come true.
My second round of chemo went even better than the first (and the first wasn't bad) as I didn't experience some of the nausea this time around. I'm not experiencing any of the bad tastes I had before, so I can actually eat and drink as I should be doing. While seeing my oncologist yesterday he asked how I was feeling and I told him I'm feeling better than I have in years. That news spread around the office as I'm sure they don't hear that every day. I'm really starting to see God's hand on me during my treatments, giving me what I need to get through each day, helping me emotionally, and protecting me from many of the bad side effects chemo can give. I'm sure there will be bad days ahead but I'm so thankful for the many good days He has given already. I honestly didn't expect to feel this good on chemo and it's a wonderful surprise and gift from God.
I shaved my head on 3/22 because it was falling out in clumps and that was more than I could handle. I was hoping to make it to my second chemo treatment with my own hair but my hair isn't as stubborn as I am after all. The day I shaved it was very emotional and hard as reality set in right then and there. It's easy sometimes to forget I have cancer when I feel so good lately and I look the same on the outside. Now that I'm bald there is a constant reminder that I'm "sick" and part of me really dislikes that, especially on the days I don't feel sick. People treat me differently too, they tend to be nicer or I can see the look of pity and most days it doesn't bother me too much but some days I hate it. Being bald takes away my option of who knows I have cancer and who doesn't and that really bugs me. There is so much loss of control when you have cancer and for a control-freak like me, that is very hard! I have my 2 wigs and they are ok, it's probably going to take some time to adjust to them. My wigs have far more volume than I ever have and always wanted but it's weird to see them on me. There's a lot of insecurity with my wigs too--I wonder if people are staring at my wig, can they tell it's a wig. Weather issues like wind and rain can pose a problem probably because I'm not comfortable with my wigs yet. I'm sure it gets easier with time. There are perks to not having hair--I'll spend less on shampoos/conditioners, hair products and hair cuts, and I'm able to get ready SO much quicker. I'm almost as fast as Mark now, I always envied how quickly he got ready. Be careful what you wish for I guess. :)
I find it so amusing that everyone at the cancer center wanted to see my head, there's something about bald heads that they like and find "cute." Dr P told me I was the "best looking bald patient he has" ( I think he was trying to make me feel better about being bald). Being bald seems to be a badge of courage at the cancer center and I'm not sure I feel the same way about it yet. I'm focusing on this being temporary and praying God gives me thick and maybe some curl to my hair when it starts growing back.
In spite of all the losses happening for Mark and I, there is much to be thankful about. I think as a couple we are gaining a whole new perspective on life, marriage, and our relationship with Christ. I would NEVER have chosen this path but I'm hopeful for what will come from it. I hope we are better individuals and a better couple because of cancer. I hope at the end of all of this we can look around and truly say that God is good....all the time. We shall see what this journey holds.
My second round of chemo went even better than the first (and the first wasn't bad) as I didn't experience some of the nausea this time around. I'm not experiencing any of the bad tastes I had before, so I can actually eat and drink as I should be doing. While seeing my oncologist yesterday he asked how I was feeling and I told him I'm feeling better than I have in years. That news spread around the office as I'm sure they don't hear that every day. I'm really starting to see God's hand on me during my treatments, giving me what I need to get through each day, helping me emotionally, and protecting me from many of the bad side effects chemo can give. I'm sure there will be bad days ahead but I'm so thankful for the many good days He has given already. I honestly didn't expect to feel this good on chemo and it's a wonderful surprise and gift from God.
I shaved my head on 3/22 because it was falling out in clumps and that was more than I could handle. I was hoping to make it to my second chemo treatment with my own hair but my hair isn't as stubborn as I am after all. The day I shaved it was very emotional and hard as reality set in right then and there. It's easy sometimes to forget I have cancer when I feel so good lately and I look the same on the outside. Now that I'm bald there is a constant reminder that I'm "sick" and part of me really dislikes that, especially on the days I don't feel sick. People treat me differently too, they tend to be nicer or I can see the look of pity and most days it doesn't bother me too much but some days I hate it. Being bald takes away my option of who knows I have cancer and who doesn't and that really bugs me. There is so much loss of control when you have cancer and for a control-freak like me, that is very hard! I have my 2 wigs and they are ok, it's probably going to take some time to adjust to them. My wigs have far more volume than I ever have and always wanted but it's weird to see them on me. There's a lot of insecurity with my wigs too--I wonder if people are staring at my wig, can they tell it's a wig. Weather issues like wind and rain can pose a problem probably because I'm not comfortable with my wigs yet. I'm sure it gets easier with time. There are perks to not having hair--I'll spend less on shampoos/conditioners, hair products and hair cuts, and I'm able to get ready SO much quicker. I'm almost as fast as Mark now, I always envied how quickly he got ready. Be careful what you wish for I guess. :)
I find it so amusing that everyone at the cancer center wanted to see my head, there's something about bald heads that they like and find "cute." Dr P told me I was the "best looking bald patient he has" ( I think he was trying to make me feel better about being bald). Being bald seems to be a badge of courage at the cancer center and I'm not sure I feel the same way about it yet. I'm focusing on this being temporary and praying God gives me thick and maybe some curl to my hair when it starts growing back.
In spite of all the losses happening for Mark and I, there is much to be thankful about. I think as a couple we are gaining a whole new perspective on life, marriage, and our relationship with Christ. I would NEVER have chosen this path but I'm hopeful for what will come from it. I hope we are better individuals and a better couple because of cancer. I hope at the end of all of this we can look around and truly say that God is good....all the time. We shall see what this journey holds.
Anna,
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing a very private part of your journey.
Each day, I thank God for you and that He brought you and Mark together.
You are a young woman of great courage. The Director of our agency tells me that, also.
Before I left work on Thursday, he said to tell you that you continue to be in his thoughts and prayers.
Love,
Jenny