Not a good day....

Let me start by saying that while I'm thankful for the Neulasta shot as it keeps my blood counts up and therefore out of the hospital, I hate this shot!! I tried taking claritin as suggested and I'm not sure it really helps, the nurses have told me that the younger the patient, the more severe the bone pain and not much can be done about it. So I think waking up this morning feeling like crap and knowing that by tonight I will have severe bone pain and hardly able to walk for a couple of days didn't put me in the best of moods. I'm really struggling with my conversation with Dr P and I have zero peace over radiation--I DON'T WANT TO DO IT! Dr P presented my case to the tumor board and they have decided that my remaining ovary needs to come out. We had discussed this right after surgery and because radiation will kill my ovary, we both agreed to simply leave it. I am not thrilled about having yet another surgery, being placed on lifting restrictions, work restrictions etc. but I understand why they want it out. And I can't spend much time feeling sorry for myself because I choose this route when I was adamant he leave me with an ovary. I knew another surgery was a possibility and I guess I wouldn't change my decisions based on the info I had at the time. I guess what bothers me about this is that it's another unexpected, unpleasant surprise. Anyway, the good news is that we won't do this surgery until sometime in Nov, that should be about 3 months after I've completed treatment and that way he can take another look at things to see how I'm doing. There is some comfort in knowing he will see what's going on after all these treatments. The thing that bothers me the most right now is knowing I'm soon going to head into menopause and I don't want to do this at 32! I was sort of ok with it all once I found out the type of cancer I had because this is not supposed to be hormone related, so I was expecting to go on HRT once I started radiation. I had picked out the type I wanted and felt this was a compromise as I've been telling Mark all along that I'm not sure I can do radiation. Somehow, thinking I wouldn't have to deal with menopause symptoms on top of radiation side effects made me feel like I just might be able to do this part of treatment. In talking to Dr P about it all, he very clearly has said no hormones "for years" until I prove the cancer is gone. I understand his fears, but if my cancer is not hormone related than why not? I've asked that the pathology dept test my cancer to see if it is estrogen receptor positive or negative as they don't typically run those tests for uterine cancer. I don't know why I want this info to be honest, it's not like I will fully trust it. I will never fully trust any test I have; I mean if the pathology to my cancer came back TWICE as a different and less aggressive type than what I truly have than what kind of test can I trust? I'm right back to another agonizing decision---a good quality of life with hormones (if I need them) or risk getting cancer again. I have told Dr P so many times that I want a good quality of life and if that means a shorter life, that's what it means. Why can't I have both? I do not want cancer again, I don't think I could ever do this sort of thing again. But I don't want to come away from treatment scarred and miserable either, there's got to be a balance! I don't know, today I'm struggling with the fact that I'm facing another loss in the form of menopause. I need a miracle God, I need to feel like myself, to feel good once the estrogen is gone! This just isn't a good day for many reasons but thankfully, tomorrow is a new day.