Dravecky's

Today has been one of those days where there is underlying anxiety about the future. Lately, I've been praying that I would see God in practical ways because quite frankly, I just need it right now. I've lost most of my eyebrows and I continue to lose my eyelashes and the hope is that in a week or two I will start to regrow hair, mainly my eyelashes back. However, with each hope is an underlying fear that I'm continually battling; this is truly teaching me to capture each thought in a whole new way. In regards to my eyelashes/hair, the underlying fear is that I will have to be on some type of chemo for the rest of my life which would mean I would permanently kiss hair goodbye. It's little thoughts like these that creep into my everyday activity making me on guard to hope for or become attached to much. I don't like living this way and I don't think God wants me to live in fear for the rest of my life. At one point during the day, the doorbell rang and I found a box sitting on the doorstep. It's a box from the Dravecky's filled with Christian cancer encouragement type of materials and it came at the perfect time. While searching for a Christian support group a woman told me all about the Dravecky's and passed my name on to their ministry team. Dave Dravecky is a former San Francisco Giants pitcher until he lost his pitching arm due to cancer. He and his wife Jan live in the Springs, and have turned their cancer journey into a ministry helping other individuals find hope and encouragement. Anyone who knows Mark knows just how much he loves baseball, and so what a blessing to have a former pro baseball player who has walked through this type of journey help us out. Is God good or what! Romans 15:13 got my attention today in a way it has never before: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." That is the perfect prayer for me right now!

I know we will endure hardships in this lifetime and so I highly recommend the book "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. This is Steven Curtis Chapman's wife whose five year old daughter was accidentally run over by their teenage son in 2008. Talk about profound tragedy! However, the books focus isn't simply on their family's personal tragedy, it's on Mary Beth's plans/dreams/hopes and how God had totally different plans/dreams/hopes for her and how she has wrestled with God through it all. It's been so refreshing for me to hear another Christian person say their circumstance absolutely sucks in so many words and yet they continue to forge forward in faith, trusting that God is working it all out for good. As Mary Beth Chapman says, "God has asked me to do hard." I totally relate to her on many levels as I wish God would completely change my circumstance but since He's not, I'll do hard too.

Marriage mentors

I was very hesitant to bring the topic of my marriage to my blog as I want to be fair to Mark as there are three sides to every story: his, mine, and the truth somewhere in the middle. However, I'm glad that I did because my cancer has definitely affected and still affects our marriage and I want to be very honest in this journey. Mark and I met with our wonderful marriage mentors who we started seeing several months before my diagnosis, but stopped seeing them while I was going through treatment. They are a wonderful couple who head up Marriage Getaways through The Navigators. When I first heard they were from The Navigators I felt like God had given us "the big guns" so to speak to have them be our mentors and walk us through our marriage ups and downs. Finally meeting with them again after almost a year of doing marriage mostly on our own was refreshing and gives me a lot of hope. Mark and I haven't been communicating all that well lately, we have been assuming what the other is thinking and feeling and we all know how that turns out. What was surprising to learn is that we have both been detaching from one another lately out of fear of my treatment not working. Mark has been trying to prepare himself for possible loss and so building walls. I feel like a burden to him and have been thinking if treatment doesn't work, I don't want it to be a long, drawn out process. I would want him to be able to remarry and get on with life as soon as possible. Obviously, both of our methods do not create closeness and it's not God-honoring either. It was brought to our attention that we should really plug into a Christian cancer support group and while that probably seems obvious, it's not been high on my priority list. I know they are out there (and I've always advised my patients to go) but I figured now that treatment is officially over, I would put more energy into moving forward with life. However, it's hard to move forward some days with all the fears and the unknowns that only another person with cancer can truly understand. Needless to say, we are going to get plugged into a support group and hopefully that will help us sort through all of these "normal" cancer conflicts a couple experiences. We took a Christian-based personality test which to no surprise shows we have some major differences. I'm a lion-beaver and Mark is a golden retriever-beaver-lion, I'm a take charge kind of person and Mark wants to keep the peace with everyone. I find it humorous that sometimes it's the differences in each other that are really attractive during the dating days and then they can turn into annoyances after marriage. We are in that process of learning to embrace each others differences as many times Mark's strengths fit perfectly with my weaknesses and vice versa. Most days I can completely see why God fit us together, we truly make each other whole when together. Anyway, it feels good to know we are back on the path of working together through this journey as I'm sure God has big plans for our marriage BECAUSE of the cancer. I don't know what those plans are at this point, I just know God promises that good will come from this cancer experience.

In between stage....

I'm in that weird stage where I've completed treatment (God-willing hopefully forever) and waiting to see if any of it worked. Talk about God working in the area of patience! I want to know right now whether I've completed this cancer journey or if this is something I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. It makes a difference and I'm finding that until I know the answer, I don't want to get too attached to anything lately. None of us are guaranteed the next day and we are supposed to live like this is our last but for a control freak like me, I'm finding this stage hard. It's a bizarre place to be because for the last year I've been told what the next step will be and my schedule has pretty much been determined for me. Now, I'm trying to get back to some sort of "normal" and yet I can't fall back into my life prior to cancer because too much has changed.....and I wouldn't want to go back to the way it was because then I wouldn't have learned anything from this circumstance. So I'm in a state of unknowns and I don't like it! I'm also starting to process all that has happened this year and having a difficult time with it. I thought I was done processing stuff when I dealt with the loss of not being able to have kids, and so I have been taken off guard that there is more to process. I guess I figured I was dealing with things while going through treatment but the truth is I was simply getting through treatment.
To top it off, things at home have been rather tense. I've given a lot of thought about whether or not to include the topic of my marriage in my blog. I could sugar coat everything but that wouldn't be the truth and the older I get, the more I despise wearing masks. We had our issues prior to cancer and I think we have only added to them this past year as almost everything was placed on hold. Trying to simply survive as the next wave hit us has definitely taken it's toll. I feel like I'm being sifted by Satan lately, I'm tired and emotionally spent. I think during seasons of trials a marriage either grows closer together or you grow further apart. As a Christian I would love to say we have definitely grown closer together, giving God all the glory but unfortunately, we are two sinful, stubborn people. Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances and we have been living in the perfect storm for disaster. I know Satan has come for our marriage and would like nothing more for it to completely fall apart and while we aren't at that point, there is SO much to work through. I write all of this because I just don't have it in me to tackle one more problem at the moment. I'm very stubborn and can withstand a lot but I'm saying uncle these days. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not easy to live with and I have many faults and many areas that need work. I recognize the areas that need to change and yet I'm so overwhelmed by everything lately that the doing part just isn't happening. It feels like I'm constantly failing in one area or another, I might take a step forward but I'm taking many more backwards these days. In spite of all of this, I know God is at work.....and I'm clinging to the promise that good WILL come from all of this!

Working with cancer patients

I'm getting back into work and have found myself in the area of oncology. Honestly, I would never have chosen this area but God has placed me here for now as my body heals from everything. My passion is ICU and I WANT to get back to it as soon as I can but I know that right now, I wouldn't be able to keep up with that pace or level of stress. For the next couple of months I'll be working in radiation oncology...does God has a sense of humor or what! Remember which part of my treatment I hated/feared the most, now I'm working there! It's actually going better than I expected and my coworkers are wonderful. I love the moments where I'm able to advise patients based on my own radiation experience and hope it truly helps improve their own journey. What I find difficult about working in oncology is the moments that I'm reminded how rare, aggressive, and difficult my type of cancer is to treat. It's those moments that fear creeps in and really goes wild, and at times it's very hard to keep it all in check. I know that God is in control of everything but my fear stems from will he allow my cancer to return or not respond to treatment? We did such an aggressive treatment that if it doesn't work, I will require some type of lifelong treatment until one day, the cancer wins. I'm not sure I'm willing to do treatment for the rest of my life either. I'm not afraid to die because I know exactly where I'll go and who doesn't want that, I'm more afraid of the dying process as cancer can be very painful despite all the drugs we have available to us. And I worry about those that I will leave behind.....what will happen to their own faith, how will they do, those kind of things. People always ask me if it's too soon to work in oncology and I don't know, it's where God placed me for now so I haven't given it much thought. We shall see what comes from this experience.

What do you believe?

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm living in a pressure cooker and have been growing more and more on edge. I'm desperate for a respite from this season of life as it could be summed up with one word...Trial with a capital T. Have you ever noticed that when you are going through a trial, the most important question you could ask yourself is "what do I believe about God?" because this is the framework from which you will move through that trial. Trials also have a way of separating heart knowledge and head knowledge because in a difficult circumstance we often lean on the heart knowledge stuff. I know what God promises and I know His character but what do I really believe at heart level, that's been somewhat sobering to learn there is a discrepancy between the two. I know that my works won't save me, but for some reason I struggle with believing that my suffering/uncomfortability/loss will be less if I follow God's commands. Head knowledge tells me this isn't true but my heart believes it and so I'm finding that's really the way I tend to live. And so it's no surprise why I'm sometimes disappointed and disillusioned by what God allows in my path, my expectations are incorrect to begin with. How do I align my head and heart knowledge? I'm not sure, I'm still on this journey taking it one small step at a time.

On a totally different note, I just want to say I've got the best sister out there! I had quite the freak out last night over a variety of issues and my sister always has this calming, truth-telling way about her. She's my older sister and I've always wanted to be just like her and I find that doesn't change much the older we get, it's the reasons why I want to be like her that change. My sister is such a Godly woman, she has SO many of the Proverbs 31 woman characteristics, plus, she's just crazy fun to be around. I think on some level we all want to be understood and my sister gets me....and loves me anyway. Thanks for your help Lisa, you always help me see truth from lie as we capture my thoughts and I'm forever grateful.

My last week of chemo....

This is the last week that the chemo will be working in my body killing all rapidly dividing cells (both good or bad). I'm starting to get excited about this because I don't have to go back for more at this point and God willing ever again. I'm starting to think about my hair growing back as it already has been doing so, although, you would have to be up close to see it at this point. I get to start all over and think about what kind of hair style do I want, it's starting to become exciting for me. It's a myth that chemo causes your hair to fall out at the same time, it all depends on where each hair follicle is at and I've got many that are outlasting this last three cycles of chemo. Hence, I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes which I'm VERY thankful for and praise God each time I put mascara on. I'm learning to celebrate the little things in life which is a good thing I suppose. I'm starting to let post-cancer thoughts enter which is a bit odd because it feels like forever since I thought about non-cancer stuff. While there are a ton of fears under the surface, I'm clinging to God's promises and most days keeping them in check. I'm sure I'll have my freak out moments but trying to keep those to a minimum.
So the plan is as follows: another blood test this week as my liver is showing it's irritated and that's normal, and to check my blood sugars as I've been in the 40's-50's consistently although I seem to function pretty well with low blood sugars. Then in a month I will have a chest/abdomen/pelvic CT to see if any cancer cells are starting to regrow. I have to be honest, I was a bit taken aback when they said I would have a chest CT as I expected the other part. It's bothersome to me because I know they are looking to see if any cancer cells pop up in the lungs. Sometimes this whole ordeal still doesn't feel real to me, until I go through some tests or the doctor says something that snaps me back into reality. I had a cancer cell in the lymph node so this could have traveled anywhere...and hopefully it's eradicated now. Then it's surgery in December to take out that remaining ovary and take one last look at everything. Then I will celebrate as I hope it's just maintenance checks from that point forward. Here's my take-away about God from my cancer journey so far--God is good all the time, He has a plan and purpose for everything we go through. I really doubted God's goodness prior to cancer, I wasn't sure He could be trusted. I'm not perfect in the trusting department but my faith muscles have really grown since my diagnosis. What I once thought had the potential to break my relationship with God has actually strengthened it and made God very real to me today. So, believe it not, good things can come from cancer. I was talking with another Christian women at the beginning of her cancer journey and we were talking about how there are certain "gifts" you get from this diagnosis. Your perspective changes, you realize how fragile life is, how big God is, how important time and people become just to name a few. Only those that stare death in the face get these gifts and it's quite a blessing.

Illness

It's been a time of illness and stress in our household and I'm in need of calm for a bit. It seems as though one trial ends and another begins and I've been feeling a huge need to simply get away from it all lately. Jez has once again become sick, vomiting and lethargic to the point that I knew she needed IV hydration. This is the dog that had an aggressive cancer a year ago and so whenever she is sick our thoughts always return to the "C" word. Is it time, is it back, do we need to put her down? I've heard people say that God teaches them all kinds of lessons through their kids...well lately, it seems that God has been teaching me things through my four-legged kids. I find a lot of encouragement through Jez because so far she is beating the odds and I like the thought of that. It tends to encourage me to think that maybe I too can beat the odds and do better than anyone expected. Not that my oncologist thinks I will do badly, it's more that I'm in unknown territory on so many levels so everyone is watching to see what happens. That's not a very comforting place to be as the patient sometimes...and especially in regards to cancer! I look at Jez and am reminded of God's grace and mercy. I see how loving and kind He can be and if He can be that way towards a dog, surely there's so much more for me. I'm really starting to see that being good doesn't mean it's going to feel good, those are two totally separate subjects. Sometimes God allows circumstances to occur in our lives that absolutely don't feel good but they are for our good in the long run or preparing us for something else ahead. I think I've spent most of my life equating God's goodness to my feeling comfortable and I'm starting to get that God is good all the time...even when life sucks. Anyway, we have done the appropriate tests to see if Jez's cancer has returned and so far it doesn't look as though it has which is fantastic, BUT she won't eat much lately. It's so frustrating as I've tried just about everything to get her to eat. This dog has always loved the outdoors and walks and so it's been a struggle for me as she wants to go for walks, yet she's hardly eating. I don't want her to miss out and yet it's not wise for her to walk with us at this point. So, I must confess that we have become "those" people as I bought a pet stroller the other day. Mark HATES it when I say we are "those" people because he thinks this whole thing is ridiculous and I feel quite foolish to be honest pushing my DOG in a stroller, but she absolutely loved it the other night. Jokingly, a year ago I saw this pet stroller in a dog magazine and I told Mark that's what we should get for our aging dogs. I never actually thought I would get one as I used to make fun of people that would do these types of things. It's a bit ironic as things have come full circle. I'll post a picture at some point when I can get past the embarrassment myself. :) Anyway, I'm praying for wisdom as to what I should do for Jez, I don't want to give up on her prematurely. There are no tests to say that it's time to euthanize her and yet she's not quite acting like herself. Maybe God is preparing me for the moment that we do need to euthanize....it's hard to say but I wish this emotional roller coaster would be over. I know she's just a dog but she means a great deal more than that to me--she's my four-legged kid.

Codes and billing chaos

I just have to vent my frustrations at the billing aspect of illness. I was writing a check to an ambulance company when I started wondering why my insurance company (which is very good) did not pay this bill. After several phone calls to both my insurance and the ambulance company it turns out that the ambulance company billed using three vague codes and so they must resubmit an itemized bill to my insurance company. Theoretically, we shouldn't have to pay a dime of this rather large bill if everything is submitted correctly. This is where my frustration begins, I shouldn't have to go over every claim with a fine tooth comb to make sure things are billed correctly. It really angers me that in the meantime, the answer is to bill the patient and if the patient pays, no one corrects these errors. Anyone care to guess what cancer costs these days? Lets just say it's a major expense and so I'm VERY VERY thankful for our insurance! Thankfully I'm not the shy, submissive patient, I question anything that doesn't make sense to me. But what about the shy, submissive patient, they probably pay way more than they ever should because of others careless errors. That makes me angry! I have enough to worry about in simply trying to get better, I shouldn't have to be my own accountant too! I've heard so many patients say that they need a secretary to keep all the paperwork straight and to pay the bills on time because that area carries its own stressor into the equation. I now have a much greater understanding of what they are talking about. Usually stubbornness is not a character trait we strive for but sometimes it can be a good thing. Today it may have payed off! :)