I'm in that weird stage where I've completed treatment (God-willing hopefully forever) and waiting to see if any of it worked. Talk about God working in the area of patience! I want to know right now whether I've completed this cancer journey or if this is something I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. It makes a difference and I'm finding that until I know the answer, I don't want to get too attached to anything lately. None of us are guaranteed the next day and we are supposed to live like this is our last but for a control freak like me, I'm finding this stage hard. It's a bizarre place to be because for the last year I've been told what the next step will be and my schedule has pretty much been determined for me. Now, I'm trying to get back to some sort of "normal" and yet I can't fall back into my life prior to cancer because too much has changed.....and I wouldn't want to go back to the way it was because then I wouldn't have learned anything from this circumstance. So I'm in a state of unknowns and I don't like it! I'm also starting to process all that has happened this year and having a difficult time with it. I thought I was done processing stuff when I dealt with the loss of not being able to have kids, and so I have been taken off guard that there is more to process. I guess I figured I was dealing with things while going through treatment but the truth is I was simply getting through treatment.
To top it off, things at home have been rather tense. I've given a lot of thought about whether or not to include the topic of my marriage in my blog. I could sugar coat everything but that wouldn't be the truth and the older I get, the more I despise wearing masks. We had our issues prior to cancer and I think we have only added to them this past year as almost everything was placed on hold. Trying to simply survive as the next wave hit us has definitely taken it's toll. I feel like I'm being sifted by Satan lately, I'm tired and emotionally spent. I think during seasons of trials a marriage either grows closer together or you grow further apart. As a Christian I would love to say we have definitely grown closer together, giving God all the glory but unfortunately, we are two sinful, stubborn people. Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances and we have been living in the perfect storm for disaster. I know Satan has come for our marriage and would like nothing more for it to completely fall apart and while we aren't at that point, there is SO much to work through. I write all of this because I just don't have it in me to tackle one more problem at the moment. I'm very stubborn and can withstand a lot but I'm saying uncle these days. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not easy to live with and I have many faults and many areas that need work. I recognize the areas that need to change and yet I'm so overwhelmed by everything lately that the doing part just isn't happening. It feels like I'm constantly failing in one area or another, I might take a step forward but I'm taking many more backwards these days. In spite of all of this, I know God is at work.....and I'm clinging to the promise that good WILL come from all of this!
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