December

This has been quite a month as Mark had a total hip replacement at the beginning of the month on top of all the holiday business that occurs. I have to say that I am completely amazed at how far medicine has come when it comes to joint replacement! Thankfully, his surgery went very smooth and recovery for the most part is coming along smoothly as well. Because Mark is unable to bend down and pick up Alex, I'm beginning to realize just how much he helps me out. My heart goes out to all the single parents out there....I'm VERY thankful for Mark and all that he does as he is a hands on father and husband.

December is a very special month for a whole new reason this year--it's Alex's birth month and he is turning ONE! I can't believe how fast time has flown by already and I'm especially amazed at all the progress Alex has made. I remember when he first came into our home and the poor little guy had zero extra fat, he was so tiny, on oxygen, and pretty unhappy as he was still withdrawing from drugs. I can remember rocking him one day and wondering what kind of deficits he would face and praying that God would give us wisdom and discernment on how to deal with whatever the future held. I can't tell you how many nights I walked the house at all hours holding a crying baby and praying for this little guy that was SO uncomfortable. But I do remember the day that he was done withdrawing from drugs, it was like he was an entirely new baby overnight. From that moment on, we have seen him reach one milestone after another and to his doctors amazement. She always tells us that Alex is the poster child for what the power of love can do and I think she has half of the story correct. Yes, he is a VERY loved and wanted child but I truly believe Alex is a testament to the power of prayer as well. God has mercifully healed him in many ways and this precious boy has no deficits! When I first got Alex people often asked how premature he was as it was obvious he had some issues, but looking at him today you would never know all that he has overcome already. So as we celebrate his first birthday we also celebrate the many firsts that we weren't entirely sure he would achieve.
The only lasting effect that Alex carries is that he simply does not sleep as much as he should. He does remarkably well with the lack of sleep but we are starting to see some tantrums and such that I believe stem from his sleep issues. Please pray for him and sleep, we so desperately want complete healing in this area and trust that someday God will grant that prayer request as well.

I love the holidays and this time of year and it truly has been a special season seeing it through the eyes of  a one year old. It is no wonder God has a special place in his heart for kids. We hope you all have a wonderful Christmas and take some time to slow down and remember the true reason for this season. Happy Birthday Jesus!

A month of Thanksgiving

I have come to LOVE November and December and all the holiday fun that goes with it. I think we should be thankful all year long, however, I tend to be more mindful of this during the month of November. I was trying to think what one thing I'm thankful for this month and to be honest, I can't narrow it down to one. I can't believe how much my life has changed in such a short period of time and how good God has been to me/us. As the months pass from my cancer diagnosis, I continue to see what a blessing cancer has been to me and it stuns me a bit to even say that still. I was so certain I was being robbed of so many things when I was first diagnosed and instead I'm starting to see how God was molding and shaping me for a variety of gifts He wanted to give me. I'm SO thankful for the molding and shaping and just like the bible says, it was painful and uncomfortable at that time BUT so worth it! I'm a different person post-cancer and I can only give God the credit for that fact. I still have a lot of rough edges to work through and God continues to smooth them.
I LOVE being a mom, I really can't put it into words! I truly understand when the bible says that children are a "gift" from God.  Each child that has come into our home has been a special gift for the specified time they were here and I've learned something from each of them.  Alex has been one of the best gifts God has given me yet! I look at him and am thankful for my cancer diagnosis and the way that God completely changed my plans. I wouldn't change a thing in this parenting journey...some days I wish the emotional rollercoaster wasn't what it is but even God gets me through those days too. I never thought I could love a child that isn't biologically mine as much as I do. Alex may not look like me but he is mine. In our home, biological doesn't mean much because every child that walks through our door is ours. We love them as though they were biolgically ours. I completely understand when the bible talks about being "grafted" into God's family in a whole new way.

It's so easy to get caught up in the trials of life but don't let business steal your thankfulness because there is ALWAYS something to be thankful for in life. Thankfulness is a lot like trust, it's a choice, not a feeling!

Halloween

People are often shocked to hear that I have never been trick-or-treating, my parents didn't want us to participate in this dark holiday. I never felt like we missed out because we always did something on Halloween. I have wonderful memories of going to our church's Fall Harvest party and the goal was to dress up as different biblical characters. As we got older, I remember dressing up as a family and then playing putt putt golf or driving mini-race cars.
Mark and I have talked a lot about how we want to do different holidays in our household and we have decided not to do trick-or-treating with our kids. Halloween has such darkness behind it and we want to live out our principles as we see best. This also means we won't be doing Easter bunnies or santa claus and while I know some think we are being legalistic what is the harm, it is our personal belief that we don't want worldly things to steal important holidays and the meanings behind them. I want our kids to celebrate Christ's birthday on Christmas and to understand the true meaning behind Easter. As an adult, I appreciate the creative ways my parents instilled the important meanings behind the holiday while making sure we didn't feel left out. I remember my grandma always had a birthday cake for Jesus on Christmas and on Easter, my mom would hide gifts around the house and attached to each gift was a bible verse relevant to the holiday. I hope Mark and I can instill these types of things into our kids. If you celebrate with trick-or-treating, easter bunnies, or santa claus, please know there is no judgement from our end. We all do things differently and that is perfectly okay, we simply wanted to explain why we will do some of the holidays differently.

I know Alex won't remember his first Fall Harvest at our church and he is too young to eat candy but who can pass up dressing up our cutie!

Calling

I recently had a friend tell me how admirable it is that we do foster care and the whole conversation made me a bit uncomfortable actually. You see, we didn't choose foster care, we were called into it and that makes ALL the difference. I would say the number one thing I hear from people is that foster care is not something they feel they could do. My response to that is that if I do foster care in my own strength, it's not going to go well and I've had moments of that. When I do foster care and lean on God for his strength, it makes all the difference in the world. That's not to say that this is an easy journey because it has tons of unique challenges BUT the rewards far outnumber all the challenges. I see foster care much like discipleship in that many avoid the calling because it's uncomfortable and can be risky. All I can say to that is that God doesn't ask us to do comfortable most times because it wouldn't require us to lean on him, He calls us out into the uncomfortable and then gives us exactly what we need, exactly when we need it!

Two Year Anniversary

This week marks my two year anniversary of being cancer-free!!!! This is considered one of the big hurdles to achieve post treatment, the next is hitting the five year mark. At times, I wondered if I would ever make it to the two year mark so I'm very excited. I have an appointment with Dr P next month and I plan on asking if my port can come out, not that it bothers me but having it out would be one less thing to deal with. I have to get it flushed with heparin every six weeks to keep it from clotting and now that we are foster parents, I already have too many things to keep track. I'm not sure what Dr P will say about getting my port out, either way I will accept it. Anyway, it's hard to believe that it's only been two years since treatment as it seems like a lifetime ago now. In hindsight, I'm SO thankful that I completed the full treatment and these last two years have been much better than I could have imagined. God's promises certainly are true and He is definitely good all the time!!

Answered Prayers

God has answered my prayer and taken a huge load off of our trial. Our finances have been tight since I became sick and they got even tighter once we became foster parents because I am working much less. I have felt called to be a mom and these kids go through so much turmoil and chaos that I felt strongly about not having them in daycare. Plus, I've always wanted to be a mother and I don't want to miss out on a single thing with these kids. Choosing to work one day on the weekend has been very hard financially and at times didn't make sense when looking at our bank accounts. However, I believe that for this season God has called me to pour myself into these kids and trust Him with the numbers. This decision means living simply and quite honestly, goes against our culture. It has been hard and has certainly added to the stress between Mark and I, but recently we experienced God's hand on our finances that enable us to continue on this path. It's been very humbling to rely on God for finances but it's been good for our relationship with Him. In trials, you truly see where your heart is at, where you place your focus, and what you place as your "idols." I'm sure our finances will be tight for many years to come and honestly, I'm okay with that because I know that God will always provide for our needs. It's important to recognize needs from wants otherwise it's easy to become disillusioned. Anyway, I'm SO thankful that God has given us some wiggle room so to speak. I was finally able to tell Mark "see, God took care of it."  This is the part of living uncomfortably that I have really come to somewhat enjoy. It sounds crazy to some but it's only when you lean on God with your full weight do you constantly see just how involved He is in your life. We have experienced some very lean times recently, but I found myself quite thankful through most of it as I continued to see God in very practical ways. If you are always living comfortably, then you aren't experiencing God to the fullest and I can say that with lots of experience.

Disappointed

I'm in an awkward space lately where I feel somewhat disappointed by God. I know, that seems so disrespectful and sacrilegious to admit but let me explain. Mark and I are struggling with some issues that we saw coming, but I firmly believed God would only let occur to a point before stepping in to save us. Well, that point has come and gone and I'm wrestling with lots of questions. Was I hearing from God correctly in the first place? Am I making good decisions or did I make a bad decision somewhere along the line? Have I been placing my expectations onto God in a way that I shouldn't? I'm pretty confused and that makes me feel fairly lost. My faith in God hasn't been shaken by these new sets of struggles and I'm EXTREMELY thankful for that fact. I figured that one day I would say to Mark, "see, God kept us out of that pit," and it's becoming a scary reality that maybe part of God's plan is to allow us to sit in the pit for awhile. That's the part that is disappointing, feeling so confident that God will allow a quick season of struggle, only to realize He is allowing the season to last much longer than I anticipated. Just when I thought I was maturing in my walk with the Lord, I see the areas that need some serious work. I know God's ways are not my ways and most days I'm thankful for that fact. Today however, I just want to know I'm headed in the right direction.

A wake up call...

As I was getting ready for bed one night, I started spotting which absolutely took the breath right out of me. It was such a shock and I tried to think of all the possible reasons why this would happen aside from the cancer returning, when I couldn't think of any I called my sister. I had been having some abdominal discomfort off/on for about two weeks and felt as though I would be starting a period any day, it was a bit odd. Mark and I talked and had a sleepless night as our minds wandered to all the worst "what ifs." After the shock of it all wore off, I can honestly say that I had a sense of peace in that I am doing exactly what I want to be doing with my life right now. I so remember sitting in the hospital after my surgery being told that for the next six months, I wouldn't be doing anything but treatment and feeling so disappointed that I had my priorities all wrong. So it actually felt good to know that I did learn from that experience and that I'm really trying to live my life to the fullest. The next day, I called Dr P's office and they promptly fit me into the PA's schedule. I was very relieved to hear her say that everything appeared normal and after some discussion, we felt the spotting came from running. We decided to go ahead with a CT scan just to be on the safe side. I started to feel fairly nervous about that test as I drove to the hospital that afternoon, it was like all the old emotions came flooding back. I have many memories of driving to that hospital hoping for good news, only to get bad news. It's amazing how emotions become linked to memories and when I'm facing an unknown, those same emotions follow. Thankfully however, my CT scan came back good and shortly after those results, the symptoms I was having disappeared. We think my IBS really kicked up as I had been under quite a bit of stress the last few weeks, just goes to show how much stress impacts the body. A very good reminder that I need to work on some of the issues causing the stress! Still on track to reach one of my big milestones--the two year mark being cancer-free!!!

Brady

The last several weeks have been a whirlwind, thus the lack of posting. :) Long story short, Mark and I decided that we were not the best fit for Brady and requested he be moved to another foster family. It was a gut-wrenching decision and extremely stressful all the way around. Brady moved to the new foster family seamlessly and we actually got to see him at one of the support groups. His case has shaken my trust in the foster system all together as he recently was returned home to his mother who NEVER took responsibility for her actions. No matter what I or the other foster mom said, the system made up their mind to return him. Mark and I are extremely disappointed with how many checks and balances simply wasn't there in Brady's case. It won't surprise me to find out that at some point in the future Brady will either re-enter the foster system or become seriously injured. I know everything is in God's hands and have no choice but to entrust Brady to the Lord. Sometimes the system sucks and doing what is in the child's best interest isn't the top priority!

What am I doing?

So thankful for my Mother's Day with two beautiful babies because the very next day, DHS called to say that Chrissy's paternal grandmother wanted her. I had just received two boxes full of girl clothes that morning (thank you Michelle) and was so excited to dress her in many of these outfits. Shock and disappointment doesn't describe my emotions properly as I started packing up Chrissy's stuff. I had a couple hours to come to terms with the fact that I would be dropping off this sweetheart and most likely never seeing her again. To be truthful, I just couldn't go there emotionally. So, when Hope & Home called me about another foster placement in the midst of packing up Chrissy's belongings, I didn't even think about it or talk to Mark...I simply said yes. Not the smartest thing I realize now but at the time, it made perfect sense. So the day after I dropped off Chrissy, we gained a 17 month old little boy who was discharged from the hospital. Let me just say that getting info on placements is much like getting a report from the ED on a patient....you never know what you are actually getting until they get there! It took me a day to realize that Brady is NOT 20 months old like I was told but actually 17 months, which helped me relax a bit because I was thinking he was WAY behind in so many areas. He is behind in language as he doesn't talk at all but otherwise, he's a pretty normal boy. Mark and I have really struggled with this placement and it's hard to tell exactly what is so hard. Obviously, we didn't even have time to process the loss of Chrissy before bringing in another child and I know that is part of it. I guess I figured two five month old babies would be much harder than a baby and a toddler, clearly I was wrong. Not that we had much down time with the two babies but for some reason this feels like a lot more work and energy expenditure. Mark and I have discussed and prayed about Brady's situation--do we keep this placement or ask that another family take him? With all our other placements they instantly felt like the perfect placement....this has NOT felt that way at all!! We did talk with our agency and ask that Brady be moved to another family, however, talking with our specific case manager opened up a lot of questions. The truth is that had I given us a 24 hour period after Chrissy left, I wouldn't have accepted this placement. However, do we punish Brady for my mistake as moving him will have an impact on him, it will cause some sort of trauma to him. I've thought about how Alex had been in another foster home for a month before that family said he was too much for them.....and he has been such a blessing and perfect fit for us. I don't think there is a right/wrong answer here. We have gone back and forth on what to do and emotionally I'm spent and a mess. I want to do the right thing for all of us and maybe that means Mark and I need to let some things go. In the meantime, I'm emotionally eating and not that it comforts me or brings me any peace really, it just gives me a few minutes that I don't have to think about this situation. Why can't we be drawn to the "good" for us foods in times like this???
I think we are leaning towards keeping Brady as some of the initial "issues" that appeared to be very time consuming to work out are actually rapidly working themselves out. He is such a sweet-hearted boy, so good natured, and cute. It's hard to give up when it's a child. This appears to be a long placement but you never know in foster care....Chrissy's case looked like it would be a long placement too. Some days I'm angry with these parents, it floors me what people do to their own flesh and blood.

My 1st Mother's Day!

It hasn't escaped me how blessed I am to have two beautiful babies here on Mother's Day....and my first one at that! This is definitely not how I thought we would have kids but God's plans are not mine and His plans are perfect! If someone told me we would be doing this almost two years ago at the start of my treatment, I wouldn't have believed them. I'm SO thankful God worked on my angry heart to help me accept the situation so I could embrace His plans for us. With each child that comes into our home it is not lost on me how different things could have turned out had I let anger and bitterness take deep root in my heart. Each child we receive in our home is truly a gift and a blessing. I'm SO thankful on this special day as I wasn't sure I would ever be a mother and it's something I had always wanted.

I'm so thankful for my mom who has always been there for me. There are MANY things she did for my sister and I that I hope to incorporate with our foster kids. Moms are truly priceless!!! Happy Mother's Day!

It's a girl

I know this is going to sound crazy but we accepted an emergency placement this weekend for a five month old girl. Someone from our foster support group had told us about one of the local churches giving away clothing so we went in search of kids clothes. Mark thought I was simply getting clothes for Alex but I wanted to get a variety because we never know what age group we may get. As I was folding the clothes to put them away I mentioned to Mark that I really wanted a girl, a couple hours later we got one! It was definitely overwhelming at first to think of having a twin type of situation but it has worked out really well. So, we have welcomed Chrissy into our family and she is such a sweetheart! She was taken by DHS under traumatic circumstances so there is a no contact order for both parents and that really helps me as I don't have to worry about visitations just yet. All I can say is that my heart is SO full!!! I LOVE having a boy and a girl, they are absolutely adorable together. It definitely keeps us busy and is a lot of work but it's so worth it. I have no idea what will happen to Chrissy but we would love to adopt her too if given the chance. I wish I could post pictures of them together in their car seats as it is too cute. I will try to keep up with posts but as you can imagine I don't get much free time. :)

A reminder

I forgot to get my port flushed last week so went in today and to my surprise the gals texted Dr P that I was there. He came over from the hospital to see Alex and I and we took pictures. :) I finally got to tell him in person that he was right, it doesn't matter to me that I don't have biological children. The kids in my home are MINE and I love them as though they were biologically mine. He asked how I was doing and we talked a bit, I could see that he is still very guarded about my future and concerned as we come up on the two year mark. Seeing his concern, left me feeling somewhat concerned myself. I've been so busy and so caught up in being a foster parent that I hardly think about my health much these days. This was a reminder that I'm not out of the woods just yet, that things could change in an instant. We talked about the grey areas of surveillance in my case and he presented the pros/cons of getting a CT scan. My old insurance company denied scans and now that I have new insurance, it's something to look into. However, the cons are big....maybe they will see something suspicious, a false-positive even, which could lead to all kinds of prodding and anxiety. Maybe they could catch something early but a biopsy would spread my type of cancer much quicker and who wants that! So, do I get a CT scan before my next appt or not, he is leaving that up to me. We did decide to start obtaining the CA-125 blood test again as that is a sensitive marker for ovarian cancer and my type of cancer was similar. I had asked them to stop doing that blood test as the results were making me anxious but I think it is worth the anxiety. During our conversation, I was once again reminded that if my cancer were to return there isn't a whole lot that can be done. That's unnerving!!! I know that God is in complete control and if my cancer were to return, that's part of His will and He is ALWAYS good. Today was a reminder that life is a gift and that sometimes I let petty things cause me to worry or dictate my priorities. I guess I've been getting a little too comfortable with my good health as of late. It's a good reminder to give God thanks daily, not to take this time for granted, and not to sweat the small stuff. All in all, it was really good to see Dr P and so far, I'm a success story for him which he doesn't get often.

Choice

Lets just say that Alex's mom is starting to struggle in her treatment which brings a whole new emotional wave to our journey. I really like his mom and my heart goes out to her but I'm totally protective of Alex and disappointed by her recent choices. Some days I don't feel like supporting her and I'm angry that she would choose other things instead of her son. I'm learning a lot about choice lately--I'm choosing to trust God in this complicated situation and in Alex's future and I'm choosing to love his mom in spite of her behavior. I realize that Mark and I are an introduction of Christ to her and I take that very seriously, I don't want to misrepresent God. I can't let my feelings dictate my behavior, not even when it comes to this little boy that I love so very much. I love Alex so much that I'll love his mom even when I don't feel like it. It's a blessing that his mom is struggling now while he is in a loving and safe environment. Things appear so messy right now but I know God is in the midst of it all and He is working in ways I can't see just yet. At times, my mantra is "I chose to trust you God, help my unbelief." I knew foster care was going to be hard and it certainly hasn't disappoint. Come quickly Lord! :)

Complicated

As people hear the story of how our family continues to grow I hear the same statement time and again, "I could never do that." I completely understand where they are coming from because I too once shared those feelings. Never say never when it comes to God!! I often remember how Dr P would tell me that it won't matter whether my kids are biological or not and I dismissed him thinking he just didn't understand. I have since realized that it was I that didn't understand because it really doesn't matter that these kids aren't biologically mine, they are in my home and they are mine! I am truly like a mama bear....don't mistreat or mess with my kids because you will soon be dealing with one angry mama!
I really appreciate our foster agency as I think they have prepared Mark and I quite well for this......emotionally complicated journey. I really can't describe in words just how complicated my relationship is with Alex's biological mom. We get along beautifully (thank you God) but I have mixed feelings towards her. I don't want Alex to have a hard life and so if she can pull it together and truly change her life, I will totally support her. Part of me wishes there wasn't this unknown hanging over his future and that I knew he would stay with us forever. It's emotionally very complicated and my emotions are all over the place from day to day. I will say that being in this situation means that I don't take a single moment with Alex for granted. It's such a honor and joy to be a part of his story and I hope that some day he will come to understand just how much he was loved and wanted by so many.  He just turned four months a couple days ago and it has been so fun watching him grow and change. It seems like each day he is able to do something new and his personality continues to burst. We are in the beginning of the fun stages and I can't wait to see who this little guy grows into.
While I'm somewhat scared of what the future holds for all of us and the emotions we may be facing, it's completely worth it. Even if we have to give Alex back to his mom some day, it's worth it to me to open my heart up to this little boy and give him a good start. We have been told many times that our heart will be bruised and broken and I trust that God will give us what we need to continue in this journey. Each child that enters our home will always have a special place in my heart and will always be in my prayers. They are mine for however long God chooses to give them to me and I'm really thankful for this journey!

One month anniversary

Monday was our one month anniversary of having Alex in our home! It's hard to believe that at this point, this is the longest period of time that he has stayed in one place. On the one hand I find that sad, on the other I'm thrilled that we are taking part in changing that record. It has been so much fun to see him grow and change--he has become a MUCH happier baby than when we first got him as we work out all the digestive kinks. Every time he smiles and laughs, my heart melts a bit more. Have I mentioned just how much I love this kid???
Mark and I have started to receive calls to take in more children and we have decided to hold off for a bit as we continue to work some things out with Alex. It is VERY hard to say no when my heart wants to say yes and rescue each child. As I hear the stories of abuse behind these kids it is absolutely heart-breaking and today I found myself angry. Most days I can focus on the fact that the parents are broken but today I really don't care about that, I'm angry that this particular girl has endured so much at such a young age. I look at Alex and I can't begin to understand how someone can purposely hurt an innocent child. I know it's not my job to be the judge of these parents, yet my heart wants to see swift justice! Today I feel burdened because I want to save all these kids yet I know that's impossible and that's not what God is calling me to do. I believe prayer is powerful....today however, it doesn't feel very powerful. Another reminder that I can't trust my feelings as I pray for these battered and broken children. I know God is keeping close account of who hurts his own and how and someday he will carry out the justice. I wish we lived in a world where kids were ALWAYS safe, no matter what!

Alexander

I'm way behind in my posts because we were chosen to take in 2 month old Alexander!!!! It has been surreal and an absolute joy having this little guy in our house and lives. I've been struck by the fact that had I remained angry about how my dreams didn't occur like I had hoped, I wouldn't have this little man in my life to love on. I think Mark was a little concerned with how quickly I fell in love with him but the truth is that I loved him before he even entered our house. It's so easy for me to love kids and I feel absolutely at home being a foster mom, like I was meant to do this! Having said all that, I've also found this to be more difficult and complicated than I anticipated. I didn't know about his colic and I've never taken care of a child going through the withdrawl process from drugs outside of the hospital...and it's VERY different outside of the hospital. However, through all the sleepless nights and bouts of crying....my heart goes out to this little boy and I fall in love with him a little bit more each day we have him. The weight of responsibility of having this little man in our house was a little overwhelming at first, but I imagine that is normal for any parent. I have so many hopes and dreams for Alex even though he isn't mine and I REALLY want this little guy to grow up to be a Godly man more than anything else. We had been warned that one of the hardest parts to foster care is all the unknowns and even with all the warnings, I'm still surprised at how hard it can be at times. We started visits with his biological mom right away and all I can say is that it is a complicated swirl of emotions. Part of me wants his mom to pull her life together and turn things around, however, part of me doesn't even want to think about not having Alex here. As I met his mom and we talked, I was struck by how hard her life has been to this point and I couldn't keep my mind from wondering what kind of life Alex would have with her. I don't want his life to be hard too and it has been difficult thinking about how different his life would be with his mom. It's an odd place to be as this is HER son and yet I know we could provide him an easier life. People have asked if I'm angry with his mom and the truth is that I'm not, I have focused on the fact that she is a broken women and I have no idea what led her to drugs in the first place. I've been praying that God would help me love his mom like he does and for an opportunity to witness to her as well. Mark and I have always said that part of our ministry is loving on the parents and it's time to put that in action. I don't know what the future holds for Alex, but I know that I would feel TONS better knowing he went back to his mom if she knew Christ as that is the only way to truly change and heal. Please join us in praying for Alex's mom, that we can build a good relationship and for the opportunity to witness. Please pray for us, that we will be okay with whatever outcome occurs and that we can continue to trust in the One that holds it all together. For now, I'm taking it one day at a time and truly enjoying this experience! God is so good!!!

Thank you Jeff

The perfect poem at the perfect time. God is good!

WAIT

Desperately, helplessly, longingly, I cried.

Quietly, patiently, lovingly God replied.

I pled and I wept for a clue to my fate,

And the Master so gently said, "Child, you must wait!"

"Wait?", you say, wait!"  my indignant reply.

"Lord, I need answers, I need to know why!"

Is your hand shortened?  Or have you not heard?

By FAITH I have asked, and am claiming your word.

"My future and all to which I can relate

          

  Hangs in the balance, and you tell me to WAIT?

I’m needing a ‘yes,’ a go-ahead sign,

Or even a ‘no’ to which I can resign.

“And Lord, you promised that if we believe

We need but to ask, and we shall receive.

And Lord, I’ve been asking, and this is my cry:

I’m weary of asking!  I need a reply!”

Then quietly, softly, I learned of my fate

As my Master replied once again, “You must wait.”

So, I slumped in my chair, defeated and taut

And grumbled to God, “So, I’m waiting….for what?”

He seemed then to kneel and his eyes wept with mine.

And he tenderly said, “I could give you a sign.

I could shake the heavens, and darken the sun.

I could raise the dead, and cause mountains to run.

All you seek, I could give, and pleased you would be.

You would have what you want­­­­----but, you wouldn't know ME.

“You’d not know the depth of my love for each saint’

You’d not know the power that I give to the faint.

You’d not learn to see through the clouds of despair;

You’d not learn to trust just by knowing I’m there;

You’d not know the joy of resting in me

When darkness and silence were all you could see.

“You’d never experience that fullness of love

As the peace of my Spirit descends like a dove;

You’d know what I give and I save…(for a start),

But you’d not know the depth of the beat of my heart.

“The glow of my comfort late into the night.

The faith that I give when you walk without sight,

The depth that’s beyond getting just what you asked

Of an infinite God, who makes what you have LAST.

“You’d never know, should your pain quickly flee,

What it means that ‘My grace is sufficient for thee.’

Yes, your dreams for your loved ones overnight would come true,

But, oh, the loss! If I lost what I’m doing in you!

“So, be silent, my child, and in time you will see

THAT THE GREATEST OF GIFTS IS TO GET TO KNOW ME.

And though my answers seem terribly late,

My wisest of answers is still but to WAIT.”

--Author Unknown-

Waiting

I've been doing a lot of waiting so far this year and I've got to admit that I'm not a fan. Today, I am waiting to see if Mark and I are chosen to take care of a two month old boy who has some health issues. I want this boy!! I've wanted each baby that we have been called on and as I waited to hear whether or not we got them, I would go into the kids room and pray. I would call my family and ask them to pray that we get the baby. Sometimes I would sort through all the baby clothes that we had to take stock of what we still needed. Each time we were told that DHS went with another couple from another agency it felt like pieces of my heart were being torn out. I wonder if these kids will ever understand just how much they are wanted and loved in spite of their difficult circumstances. So as I wait to hear the verdict with this little baby, I just can't allow myself to get all excited, to think about the "what ifs" etc, my heart can't go down that same road. While I pray that we get this baby, at the same time I'm praying that I'll be okay if we don't....maybe that is progress and growth?  I KNOW God is fully in control and He has the perfect child/children for us at the perfect time. That knowledge however, doesn't mean that this whole ordeal isn't an emotional messy journey. Because our foster agency was pushing us through the system, I guess I expected this to be easy, that we would get kids right away. It's been difficult to watch those around us get placements while we wait. I'm not blaming our agency in any way as I think they have done a wonderful job in preparing us for this journey. I think my expectations and reality haven't matched and that's been difficult to swallow. I desperately want a baby and I can't explain why this is occurring when just months prior I was completely content with where Mark and I were at in life. Feelings are fickle and can't always be trusted. I'm REALLY trying to be better at this waiting thing, some days I do well and other days I'm an emotional mess. I have no idea what God is doing in all of this but I know He is in the middle of it. It truly is a choice to let go of my disappointments and choose to trust Him. I know that when we get our child/children, this waiting will all be worth it and maybe I'll look back and see God's fingerprints all over the place. For now, I'm in the dark.....you grow in the dark but it sucks to be there!

My toddler self

I absolutely know that we are meant to do foster care! Having said that, I've been surprised at some of the emotional struggles that have surfaced. Prior to entering into foster care, I had worked through the grieving process of not being able to have kids and had accepted the fact that our ministry would be loving other people's kids. I felt completely content with this fact (which is no small miracle) so when feelings of anger surfaced again, it came as a complete surprise to me. It all started as we began to gather baby clothes and furniture, it was surreal for me to be washing baby clothes and purchasing baby furniture. It was an exciting time  because after my hysterectomy, the door was slammed shut to all my baby dreams. It was fun and exciting to put together the crib and changing table, and I loved putting all the baby clothes in the closet as it reminded me of when I was a little girl playing with my dolls preparing for this exact moment. It was exciting rearranging our upstairs bedroom preparing for whatever children God blessed us with. I guess I thought this would be a quick process as our first phone call was for twin baby boys (which we couldn't take because of my work schedule) and our agency was pushing our paperwork through the system with some urgency. We are on-call 24/7 as we wait for a placement so my cell phone is never far from me these days. I have lost count as to how many phone calls we have received asking if we are interested in a placement, sometimes it is several calls in a day. The hardest calls have been for babies still in the hospital as DHS tries to find a foster home to take them home. The way this works is that DHS lets every agency in Colorado Springs know of their need, each agency contacts their perspective foster parents asking if they are interested, they then let DHS know which of their foster parents are interested and DHS makes the final decision as to which foster parent gets the placement. I guess this decision happens fairly quickly but it doesn't feel quick when you are on the wanting end of a placement and wait hours before hearing if you got it or not. Mark and I have said yes multiple times only to find out that DHS has gone with a different couple, it has been heart-breaking at times. It's hard not to take the rejection personal, did they pass on us because of my cancer issue or because of our infertility issue? Is there something wrong with us? I realized I was becoming angry after we were rejected on a newborn girl that I desperately wanted. This placement seemed perfect from my perspective and I just couldn't understand why God didn't allow us to get her. I started to feel like God was teasing us with these babies and that only made me angrier. Of course, I know that is not God's heart, He isn't teasing me but it's amazing how deceptive our feelings can be at times. I've really had to evaluate am I willing to trust in God's plan and timing, that He knows the exact right child for us or am I going to focus on what I want and what I think is best for me? It's a daily battle and choice to not let the toddler inside me throw a tantrum when I don't get my way. I've been faced with this ugly side of myself a lot lately and it's humbling to see just how much I need to grow. It's easy to give God lip service and say that I completely trust what He is doing, it's a lot harder to line up my attitude when I don't get the placement I was hoping for. I REALLY want a baby and my heart aches for a baby, the struggle is submitting my dreams and plans to the Lord. Sometimes I don't mind submitting, other times I hate it. Sometimes I have a death-grip on what I want and it is not pretty when God patiently and lovingly asks me to let go and let Him. I suppose it's a good thing to be aware of my toddler self.....I don't like her much but you can't work on something you aren't aware of right.

A crazy month

As January comes to a close, I'm so thankful to put this month behind me for a variety of reasons. I worked full-time most of  this month and found that while I'm physically able to do it, it leaves me absolutely exhausted. Not something I will choose to do a whole lot in the future.
I saw Dr P this month as I came down with flu-like symptoms yet again and my white blood counts continued to be low. After quite the work-up, we feel this is probably a side effect from chemo, however, if I continue to get sick, I'll probably see a hematologist (blood specialist) to see what they can do to boost my immune system. So for now, I'm doing everything I can to remain healthy and boost my immune system myself. I definitely fatigue easier with the low counts, but I'm learning to do the things most important earlier in the day and not become too frustrated if I can't finish my list. It has been quite the emotional journey wondering if I had a new cancer but through it all, I found that I truly trust whatever God is doing even when it doesn't make sense to me.

On the foster care front, Mark and I got a call at 1:30 AM with our agency asking if we would be willing to take a 3 and 5 year old on an emergency basis. It was a bit jarring to try and think clearly at that time in the morning but we accepted the assignment. Our world radically changed in a heartbeat....and that's an understatement! We had the kids for five days before they were abruptly returned to their mom. It was a wonderful first placement and the kids were wonderful--definitely not the typical situation! It's been bittersweet to have them go as the house seems a bit empty but we are looking forward to another placement. Mark and I find it uncomfortable to be "on-call" as we wait for another placement. We never know when we will get called and so are constantly living with unknowns. It's good for us to live outside our comfort zone....just not comfortable.

Foster care update

We are in the phase now where things happen VERY quickly and this whole idea is quickly becoming a reality. Our home study is complete and on Monday we will review it to make sure we agree with everything. On Tuesday, our home study is presented to DHS and from that moment on, we could get calls for placement! It's exciting and somewhat overwhelming all at the same time. We are in the final stages of child-proofing our house and I now understand why parents complain, it's a pain in the rear! I know it will be worth it in the long-run, it's just so time consuming and adds extra steps to everything. I think this first placement will be our most difficult because we can't really buy baby/kid stuff until we know what age we get...and we won't know that until we get the call. I was thinking the other day how there is no way I would have signed up for something like this in the past. I'm a planner through and through and to have so many unknowns, I would never agreed to this! This is definitely outside of my comfort zone and yet I'm at peace with it all because I know God is fully in control. I know He will help us with all the details, purchasing furniture and clothes, and adjust to parenthood which will need to occur all at once it seems. I know there is no way to fully prepare for this journey we are about to start and I'm actually okay with that fact too. I'm sure I'll have my meltdowns, tears, and frustrations in the future but I'm totally excited for this journey. It's really becoming more of a reality to me and I can't wait to see who God brings into our family. I understand that kids are a gift from God and so hope that changes the way I parent in a good way. So, now we wait for the call....

Happy New Year!

I hope everyone had a wonderful Christmas and a safe, and happy New Year. We spent Christmas at my sister's and had a lovely time. I had a blast playing with my nieces and seeing how much they have grown and changed since the last time I saw them. The fact that I got to play and enjoy this time cancer-free was not lost on me, I'm thankful for this "extra" time. Mark and I also really enjoyed this Christmas being just the two of us as we know it is very likely we will have kids next Christmas. It was a place of total contentment and excitement for whatever this next year brings too.
While I'm not a big new-year-resolution kind of person, I do take the time to reflect over the old year and think about what I'm hoping for in the new year. We have a LOT to be thankful for in 2011, lots of personal growth took place and yet there is still plenty of growth to work towards in 2012. The positive side of my low blood counts is that it snapped me back into focusing on what is truly important and letting the little things go. I was somewhat surprised at how I had slipped back into my old habits and way of thinking. It's so easy to take good health for granted, to place our focus on minor things, or to let our eyes wander instead of keeping Christ at the center. I really relate to Peter while he was walking on water and the moment his mind wandered, he started to sink. The hard part is realizing that you are sinking before you start to drown. I want to be very vigilante this year on where my focus is and keep track of my decisions and why I make them the way that I do. If you notice, old habits start creeping in one small step at a time. It only takes one negative thought, one small poor decision and before we know it, we are completely off track, our focus has shifted and we are going down a road we never intended. It's going to be a daily battle to take my thoughts captive but I'm determined to do it in 2012 because I don't want to waste time. I don't want life or fears to dictate my choices, I want to live purposefully which is a lot harder these days than it sounds. Anyway, I'm very excited for this year and for all the changes that it holds. I'm becoming a little more comfortable with change and a little less rigid and that's good because God never promised I would be comfortable.