Cancer again?

I didn't want to get the flu shot as it ALWAYS makes me feel like I've got the flu about 12hrs later, but I felt sort of backed into a corner by the hospital and so went ahead with it. So, when I came down with the flu Monday afternoon I wasn't too happy!! The body aches and fever came on so suddenly, it totally reminded me of that darn neulasta shot. When I received a call from my regular doctor later that afternoon I wasn't all that surprised as I had blood work the previous week. I was expecting an abnormal thyroid level (I've been pretty tired lately) or my cholesterol to be way high as I found a love for ice cream shortly after treatment ended. I wasn't exactly prepared to hear that my white count is low as in super low. At first, I told her how this explains the fact that I have the flu, we talked about my fever and decided I should get a recheck on Friday. After I hung up though, my brain went on nurse overload and I immediately thought of cancer....do I have cancer again? I know it's going to sound vain but my next thought was of my hair, I DON'T want to lose my hair again! I feel like I finally found a style that I like, that doesn't take much time, and I'm still trying to grow it out a bit. I called Dr P's office to try and figure out if this was "normal" after treatment and my stomach dropped when they told me that if my next blood test comes back low, I should see a hematologist. She did state that it would be "highly unlikely" for me to have leukemia at this point but was glad I was getting everything checked out. I have to say that I find NO comfort in words like "highly unlikely," "rare," etc. because if you happen to fall into one of those categories just once, it has a whole different meaning forever! After I got off the phone with Dr P's RN, I opened my treatment notebook filled with all my blood test results to see how low my white count got while I was in treatment, I was a bit horrified to see that I was lower than when I was getting chemo!! I contacted family and friends asking for prayer as I desperately don't want to go through treatment yet again....and this soon. My sister asked me not to do any research and at the time I felt horrible, so I wasn't all that interested in trying to figure this all out. However, once my fevers subsided and the aches disappeared, the nurse side of me HAD to make sense of all of this. I found out that one of the drugs I take to manage all my menopause symptoms has the potential to drop my white counts. I never knew that, am not sure how that even chemically works, but was totally comforted by that new found knowledge and stopped my research. However, it seems that every time I get sick with fevers my right leg breaks out in a rash and I tend to have a lot of pain in that leg. This darn leg has given me trouble from day one of surgery, it's the leg that has lymphedema, and that Dr P was really aggressive with as that's the same side as the cancer. My leg was hurting so bad that I couldn't touch it and had trouble walking around, I couldn't sleep because I couldn't lay on it and it hurt to move. After a couple of days of this, I decided maybe I should do a little research on leukemia just to make sure I'm not missing something. The symptoms to leukemia are pretty vague and quite honestly, anyone could have multiple symptoms at any given moment, so I wasn't too focused on the symptom part. I did focus on risk factors as I found out that I am at an increased risk of getting leukemia because of my chemo treatment. Unfortunately, my chemo drugs place me at a 5-10% increased risk starting at the two year mark and start that risk doesn't start to decrease until I reach the five year mark. The data stated that if the patient did get leukemia, it usually is difficult to treat, does not respond well to the standard treatment, and "does not bode well for the patient." I wasn't aware of any of this and I sat at the computer and cried as my mind went to worst-case scenario and all the "what ifs." I called my sister who works in the field of oncology and told  her what I had found, and she told me this is why she had asked me not to do any research. She told me I needed to stop being a nurse and just be a patient, she told me I don't have leukemia. :)
I hate to admit it but I spent a good part of yesterday in a pity party and grumbling to God that this is not fair. I CAN'T  have cancer twice, this soon, this isn't right! I found myself telling God that His timing sucks--here we have been moving forward with foster care, doing classes, getting our house ready, and are on the verge of getting kids. It seems that He recently opened a door to PICU too. I spent most of yesterday asking God why, why allow me to get excited about getting kids/working with kids only to take it all away? Are you really going to rip this all away from me again, just like that? Throughout the day, I felt God gently asking me to spend some time in the Word and in prayer. I felt Him reminding me to focus on who He really is, to remember all that He has done for me. God doesn't change, He is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow!
In some ways I've grown since I first found out I had uterine cancer. I DO trust God and I DO believe He is good and His plans for me are for my best. I'm also finding I'm a work in progress, I still need to grow in certain areas of faith and I need to stop assuming certain things about God. His ways are not my ways! So, I'm back to the waiting game, waiting for test results. I'm trying not to assume I have cancer again, I don't want to waste a good panic just yet. I'm so glad God doesn't treat me harshly as I've said some harsh things to Him this weekend!

Called to love the unlovable

I'm two shifts into pediatric ICU and I'm starting to understand why God has opened this door for me. Have you ever spent much time thinking about child abusers....do they deserve love? Truthfully, none of us deserve love, that's where God's mercy and grace come into play because we simply get it. My first shift in PICU, I came upon an eight month old with a skull fracture and subdural hematoma (blood in the brain) which the parents state came from the two year old sibling. Another baby brought into the ICU was lethargic and found to have marijuana in her system, (so much in fact that this was purposely given to her) while the parents, who own a marijuana clinic state she must have accidentally inhaled this drug. Minutes into hearing about these cases I was angry; I LOVE kids and am very passionate about protecting those who can not protect themselves. Throughout the day, I asked several nurses how they deal with child abuse cases, I mean, how they deal with the parents. I found myself struggling to be professional, being kind to the parents, not giving the "how dare you" glare I SO wanted to give. I found myself immediately becoming judge and jury and declared these parents guilty and unlovable. I found myself saying these kids need to be taken away forever from their parents, end of story! At some point during the shift I heard God speaking to me, asking me if my sins were less than theirs. It wasn't a condemning sort of internal conversation, He was simply probing into my heart, helping me see my own hearts ugliness. The conversation between God and I was filled with a lot of please-don't-ask-me-to-care-about-these-parents type of statements. I ended that shift with the stubborn attitude of I don't WANT to care about the parents. I don't really want to think about being kind to them as I'm caring for their broken child, but sometimes God isn't asking for my opinion on the matter. A few days later Mark and I went to our foster support group and the teaching topic of the night was on domestic violence, the impact it makes on the kids, and why this becomes a cycle in the first place. Again, I felt God tugging at my heart asking me to view the parents as broken people, sometimes committing the same abuse that occurred to them. Honestly, at times I'm not thrilled about these moments, I'm not thrilled about being called to love or care for people I believe don't deserve it. Thankfully, God's heart is not like my heart!! My second PICU shift had a diabetic child who ran out of insulin and whose parents didn't do anything about it for three days. My initial reaction was anger followed by what kind of parent would ignore their child's need. However, after talking with the social worker it became clear that this isn't as black and white as it appeared to me. After hearing some of the family's difficulties, my heart softened....a tiny bit. I think God has placed me in PICU prior to taking in foster kids because I need a heart adjustment towards the parents. They are people too, broken people who have made poor choices and it's important that I not make snap judgements about them or their situation. Don't get me wrong, EVERY abuser must be held accountable but there is a way to do that and still love the broken adult. I have to admit, I do not like being called to love these adults but it is not up to me to judge them. It's easy to care for a broken child, to try and help them, but God isn't calling me to do the easy, He's calling me to do the hard too....to love the abusers and treat them with kindness in spite of their situation. This is going to be a hard assignment for me! I've got to remember that my sins are no less offensive to God than an abuser's sins are to me. I feel a lot like Jonah these days....it's humbling!

PICU

The census at the hospital has been unusually low this year for a variety of reasons, this means I've been working about half of my shifts. Not an ideal situation as I have really wanted to work as much as I can now before we start getting kids. At times, I've struggled with wondering if I should schedule myself for twice as many shifts but then there is always the possibility that I would actually have to work all of them. When I was called off from the ICU yet again one morning, I spent that time in prayer, praying for peace and remembering that God is in full control of my situation. I came away from that quiet time reminded that I don't have to strive and that God knows my needs better than I do. I simply need to be still, trust in Him, and focus on the truth and His promises to me. Later that same day, my boss offered me the opportunity to cross-train to the pediatric ICU if I was interested. I couldn't get over how good God is to me, He always provides at the exact right time. I've accepted this offer and start the training process this Tuesday. This is definitely out of my comfort zone but since God appears to be opening a door, I'm going to walk through it. I'm nervous as I don't like doing procedures on kids, it's very hard for me to find the balance of emotionally separating myself in order to do my job. However, on the other hand, I'm looking forward to the challenge as I learn a whole new set of skills. I was so set on being an ER nurse throughout nursing school....funny how things turn out. God's plans are not my plans and yet His plans are ALWAYS best!

Foster care update

We have been trying to get the house child-proofed and it is a pain as I'm sure most parents would say. Being a foster parent means that if anything were to happen in our house, it could potentially be a liability to our agency and so they go above and beyond to make sure things are safe. I completely understand their viewpoint, however, it drives me nuts at times. We recently had a house check and have a list of things we still have to do in order to be in compliance, so it looks like we will be licensed either late December or early January. I'm actually thankful for the extra time as there is so much stuff to do before kids start coming into our home. I need to find a child care agency for when I'm working, and I've been paying more attention to baby furniture/equipment these days. I don't want to buy anything just yet as we really don't know what age we will get, so it's best to buy stuff after we know. Mark and I keep talking about how this may be our last Christmas being just the two of us etc. and it makes us appreciate this time all the more. It's a great place of contentment, savoring our time and freedom now, yet looking forward to whatever God brings our way in the future.

Happy Thanksgiving

Hard to believe we are starting the holiday season already! Mark and I certainly have a lot to be thankful for this year, God never ceases to amaze me. Because we are flying out tomorrow, Mark and I celebrated Thanksgiving with my sister-in-law and family at the Golden Corral. We had a wonderful time of gorging ourselves on all kinds of yummy foods. Throughout the day however, I couldn't help but think of the many who are struggling to get food, it's hard to believe this sort of situation occurs in the world when we have such a bounty of food here in America. America's struggle in comparison to other parts of the world makes our poor look mighty rich to others eyes who are truly desperate in a way we can not fully understand. It's so easy to grumble about our situation, about food we dislike, the constant need to fold clothes, the dishes that pile up etc. but when I really think about it, I'm thankful for all of it. I would rather have all my dislikes and things that I sometimes consider a burden when I stop to think of the many who wish for my "problems." We are SO blessed in America and I'm trying to remain aware of that fact throughout the rest of the year. It's unfortunate how much we take for granted here and I'm trying to keep things in perspective. It's amazing the attitude adjustment that comes from looking at what you HAVE rather than what you don't have. Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

The heart of a parent

We have completed our foster parenting classes this week and it has given me something to think about. The director of our agency Ross Wright, wrote a book called, "Kids in Crisis." This book talks about how to parent wounded kids and how to restore relationship with them as so many are unable to trust and bond. Ross has said many times throughout our class to never "sacrifice relationship on the alter of accountability," and it is a whole new way of thinking for me. While I believe in spanking, you are not allowed to spank foster kids for obvious reasons and I'm starting to rethink the whole spanking issue altogether. One of the goals of parenting is to have the kids value our relationship with them in a way that they wouldn't want to go against our rules/wishes. It's similar to our relationship with Christ, in the beginning of our walk with the Lord, we follow the rules because we don't want to get in trouble, but at some point it shifts to following God's rules because we don't want to break His heart or disappoint. This is a whole new way of thinking for me and I find that I'm a rule person when it comes to parenting, so I'm sure this will be a difficult challenge for me. This class has also helped me see some of  my flaws in the way I have viewed Christ; I now understand why I've thought of Him at times as a cosmic cop waiting to crack down on me when I break a rule. That is SO far from who God is or what He is all about, I'm starting to see that when I step outside of His will for me, He isn't waiting to punish me, instead it saddens Him. I have a feeling this whole parenting thing is going to force me to grow in ways I had never imagined. One thing I know for certain, growth isn't comfortable but so worth the pain in the end!

What we believe......

I've debated whether or not to share some of our views on my blog and after a lot of prayer, I'm simply going to put it out there. Mark and I believe our country will be facing some VERY HARD days ahead. Therefore, we believe it's very important to prepare for what is coming and to tell others so they too can prepare. I have to say that we are living in uncomfortable times as we brace for what we believe is coming, we don't enjoy thinking about these things. However, I believe it's important to be informed with as much information as you can, pray about it all, and see what God would have you do with that information. Check out the following site for unbiased actual news of what is happening around us www.theblaze.com, then check out the following video on what you can do to become prepared not only for yourself, but for those around you. http://www.glennbeck.com/2011/10/13/tonight-a-show-you-cannot-miss-solutions/

I'm sure some people will think Mark and I are crazy or that we are fear mongers, but we stand behind what we believe and only time will tell. If anyone wants more information on how to prepare for coming disaster, feel free to contact me and I'll share all the info Mark and I have been investigating. Would you rather be completely taken off guard or have uncomfortable knowledge and do your best to be prepared?

Tempting

Mark and I are in the process of filling out all the paper work that goes with the foster parent process. There is a TON of it and at times it can be very intrusive....as it should be. I talked with Mark about whether or not I should disclose everything to my past, it is VERY tempting to leave parts out. I know that some of God's greatest work comes from my past but I've been battling some of the lies that if I disclose everything, our agency will consider us too risky to work with. So to be honest, I came to the conclusion that I'll only disclose everything if asked about it because I'm not going to lie. Well, wouldn't you know it, the paper work we fill out asks about everything under the sun, they are very thorough! I know there will be a lot of questions and discussions because of some of my answers, but I'm going to trust that this is where God is leading us. At times, I still battle some of those old lies of being "damaged" because of different things in my past. I'm sure everyone deals with this on some level too. As much as I hate my list sometimes, it's what has contributed to who I am today and so I can't run from it. In many ways I can see God's fingerprints all over my "damaged"areas, I can see His healing, kindness, and loving ways. It's a bit nerve wracking and yet it's quite a relief to just put it all out there, no hiding. Mark and I feel like we are jumping off the cliff most days in this journey, it's something our cancer journey has prepared us for in many ways. The biggest difference between the two is that at that time, I felt thrown off the cliff, this time we are purposely jumping. Either way, God has always been there to catch us, guide and comfort us, so I know we are in good hands.

Sad news today

Received a text from my mom today that my 22 year old cousin was found dead in his home. The sad part is that for years many of us have been waiting for this type of news, so I'm a bit shocked at how it took me off guard anyway. I'm so sad and angry for him, for the MANY people who failed him and for the unrelenting demons he battled his entire life. The hardest part to this whole situation is that while he knew of God, he turned his back on God (as far as we know). How do you explain to a young man that God IS loving and loves him when in all reality, there were so many cards stacked against him from the moment he was born. I do understand that my cousin made so many poor choices and that makes me sad, but I'm so angry that he grew up in such a dysfunctional environment. I'm angry that his parents spent more time trying to get back at one another and that their kids paid the price for their hate and anger towards each other. I'm reminded today that my step-grandfather's sickness and sin continues to permeate our family and that makes me incredibly angry! My prayer is that something good can come out of Tony's death, that his life won't be wasted in vain. I'm hanging onto Romans 8:28 today of all days. I wish I could simply hug Tony and apologize for all those that failed him early in his life. These things shouldn't happen!! I will definitely change my approach to those who are hurting themselves, it's the least I can do in his memory!

I went to bed last night broken-hearted for my cousin who probably felt that very few cared about him. I will be hanging on to Romans 8:28 as I really want to see something good come from this tragic situation. I woke up this morning and was reminded that it is because of kids like Tony that I am called into foster parenting. At our foster care launch we all made promises to the kids that will come into our home. I promised to be a voice to the voiceless, to help these kids feel safe, and to instill the love of God that will provide them a hope and a future in a way that nothing else will. I wish I could have done something different for Tony, I was so hoping for a different outcome for his life. However, I WILL do whatever I can for the kids that come into my home. I'm going to use my anger for good, I'm going to give these kids an unshakable voice. Sometimes stubbornness is a good thing and when it comes to those who can't protect themselves, my stubbornness is a good thing. I'm going to think of a way to honor Tony's life, to make sure he is not forgotten and most of all, to make sure his death was not in vain.

Foster parent update

We had our foster launch this weekend where we met the other couples starting this same journey, talked with a foster family, and started classes. It was an intense weekend as I worked Friday and Sunday and the launch was Friday night and all day Saturday. Mark had to go to the start of the launch by himself as I was working, he was absolutely exhausted and I felt bad for him. He has had such a busy, tiring schedule lately that I wondered how in the world he would have the energy to do all of this. However, to hear him talk Friday night was so encouraging! This whole event while tiring is also exciting because we both know for certainty that this is where God is calling us and that this is the exact right agency for us. There is nothing better than knowing you are where God wants you to be, there is such a peace in that knowledge. I can't say enough good things about Hope & Home, the agency that we are working with, they treat this more as a ministry and everyone there is family. I was thinking that we would probably start getting kids sometime in the new year so it was something in the distance. In all reality, there is a high likelihood that we could have kids as early as December!!! It's a bit overwhelming but I'm not going to focus on all the "what ifs" and simply let God do his thing. Please join us in prayer for the kids that will be coming into our home. We have no idea how many or the ages that we will get, it's exciting but it's scary all at the same time. I can't believe we are actually going to take on parenthood after all. I started out this year being totally content with just Mark and the dogs and I will finish out this year with the possibility of having kids in our home. It's totally a God thing as I NEVER wanted to be a foster parent and now I know that's exactly what I'm supposed to be....a foster mom. :)

Difficult realizations.....

I watched a documentary on the holocaust this morning and it really got me thinking, would I do the right thing no matter the cost? I hope I would but you never know until the moment arrives. In a world with declining morality, it's easy to become desensitized to the hurting and the helpless. We are all so busy these days, it's so easy to be focused on our growing "to do" lists that we completely bypass someone in need, and not because our heart is hardened, simply because we are distracted. It's a sad reality really. This started to hit home for me several days ago while I was working in ICU, my patient had end-stage liver disease from years of being an alcoholic, he was on a vent and in all likelihood, would never live off of a vent. It took us several days to even find family, but we finally contacted his daughter who flew in and made the decision to do a terminal wean (take him off the vent), but after she had flown back home. I have no idea the relationship between her and her father but she treated him lovingly while at his bedside. It honestly never occurred to me that this man would be dying alone until one of our hospital chaplains talked with me and was appropriately horrified by that fact. She wanted me to let her know when the time came to disconnect him from the vent so that SHE could be at his bedside so he wouldn't die alone. That conversation really bothered me the rest of the shift (and continues to bother me) because had she not said anything, I would have gone about my day taking care of all the "tasks" that needed to be done. I'm ashamed to say that I would have let him die alone! Would it have occurred to me if this man was dying from something not self-inflicted.....probably, and that's the sad part. I've seen so many people die this year alone from self-inflicted behaviors that at times it really makes me angry. I think God has been convicting me in this area because in that moment, I realized that no matter the cause of someone dying, they are still human and they still deserve compassion. No one should die alone, ever!

We have a McDonald near our home and there is a couple who frequently stand outside of it with a "need help" type of sign. To be honest, I don't even know what the sign says because I've never stopped to read it. There's a part of me that becomes angry to see someone young, standing for hours to receive handouts, they could be using that time and energy in better ways. I've been feeling convicted about this couple, how many times have I driven past them, made a judgement about them and yet I know absolutely nothing about their situation. They are human too, they have a need, I should investigate at least a little bit. I've decided that the next time I see this couple, rather than drive past, I'm going to stop and talk with them, see how they got to this point and what is their need. I'm going to give them one of our church fliers and let them know our church can most likely help meet some of their needs in ways that I myself can not. I'm going to go outside of my comfort zone because they are people just like me and I would hope someone would notice if I had a need. It's too easy to not notice these types of situations around us, the opportunity to do what is right is always there. I'm really trying this year to push beyond my comfort zones, it's not always good to be comfortable. Growth doesn't happen when I'm comfortable and if God is going to allow me more time here, I want my life to have meaning. I really want to live for an audience of one! We are living in some dark times, I don't want to be a spectator anymore, it's time to dig in and get dirty!
A couple weekends ago, I found a mama lab and her puppy wandering our neighborhood. I dropped everything, canceled all my plans for that day, and found the puppy a new home. I'm learnintg that I need to have the same attitude that I have for animals and spend that on people.

Unknowns

I like good surprises, those can be fun and energizing, however, I'm still not thrilled about the unknowns in life. I'm definitely getting better about trusting God, but I'm still a control freak at heart and so there is an internal conflict many times. Last week I was simply having one of those weeks, you know how it goes, your focus shifts to the circumstances of life and so stress and anxiety build. Mark and I are turning in our foster care application and starting our two nights a week classes for the next month. This is really going to happen and while we are confident that this is where we are being called, it's not stress free. I honestly don't know how this will all work out financially, we took a big hit from all my medical expenses and now that things are becoming a bit more comfortable, we are looking at adding to our family. It's overwhelming to think about making our house kid-friendly and to be honest, we have no idea how many kids we will be taking in at a time. I'm not sure how we will make this work time-wise and energy-wise, lets face it, we aren't in our twenties anymore. Kids require a LOT of time and effort and I really like my sleep and down time. I really KNOW God, I know His characteristics and that He has all these details under control. I guess I wish He would give me the game plan ahead of time and yet I know He rarely works that way. If I knew all the details ahead of time, I probably wouldn't rely on Him so much and I would take control of the situation. So I spent last week stressing, wondering, worrying about so many unknown factors until I started to not feel well. That only sparked more worry and anxiety that maybe my health isn't doing so good. This worry path can be such a vicious cycle! Thankfully, I'm in a better mind set this week. My unknowns haven't changed much but my focus has, I've put it back where it should have been in the first place, on God. I don't know how this whole foster parenting thing will work out but I know that God has called us to do this and so HE will work it all out, at the exact right time. I'm thankful that when I'm stressing Mark isn't and vice versa, that's part of how we balance each other out I suppose. :) So, off to my first foster class tonight. We are jumping off the cliff into the unknown and trusting in God's promises to take care of everything else. It's an uncomfortable place to be but at the same time, it's the perfect place to be too.

Gonna take my thougths captive today

I feel a little silly writing this post, but I want to be honest in my faith journey and sometimes doubts creep in more than I care to admit. Yesterday was just an average day, I worked in radiation oncology and had a young 21 year old patient who was recently diagnosed with cancer. I'm not sure if her case influenced some of my fears or if they would have been there regardless. In any case, I started to have some cramps similar to the way I used to feel prior to my diagnosis and I just couldn't keep up with all the fears flooding my thoughts. I started to feel pretty foolish talking about my one year cancer-free anniversary before it had arrived. What if I don't make it to that anniversary? I was once again reminded that I shouldn't make long-term plans...at least not concrete long-term plans. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow. As I continued to not feel the greatest some of my old habits kicked in, I went to the worst case scenario. What if my cancer is back? What if I have a bowel obstruction due to radiation? What if....? I hate going down that road and yet I'm such an expert at it, it comes so naturally. I decided not to talk to anyone about this because why drag them along in my fears, it may be for nothing. I feel MUCH better today, I'm just exhausted and I'm struggling with doubts. Should we even turn in our foster parenting application? My future is a bit unknown and I would hate to start something I couldn't finish. So, I'm struggling just a bit today BUT, I'm determined to take my thoughts captive and turn them over to the Lord. He is the only one who knows my future anyway. To be honest, I don't feel like trusting God today but I'm going to choose to trust Him. Thankfully, faith isn't a feeling, it's a choice....and more often than not, if I do what I know I should, the feelings will follow. I'm so glad the Lord is patient with me! I may stumble from time to time and fall, but I won't stay down as long as I used to. I guess that is progress after all.

One year anniversary

At the end of this month, it will be my one year cancer-free anniversary and I'm excited about it! We had one of Mark's former co-workers over for dinner, she was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer early this year and told that she would be dead by August. Well, this month she was told she was in remission! Anyway, she has decided to have an "I'm not dead yet" party. That got me thinking and I think Mark and I will have to do something fun to celebrate this mile marker. At times it's really hard to believe I was even sick, I feel SO much better these days! It has been quite a journey and I'm thankful for all of it. You can't really appreciate the good days until you have experienced some bad ones.

On the hair front, I'm sad to report that I'm losing my chemo curl. Back to having stick straight hair again, oh well, it was fun while it lasted. I'm finally at the process of figuring out what kind of style I want and I think I'm gonna stick with the Meg Ryan wig style. :) What I have learned from this whole experience is that in the past I spent WAY too much time on my hair and life is too short for that. I want something quick and simple! I unpacked my hot rollers and hair accessories today and it brought back a variety of emotions from the day I packed them up. I've learned that while wigs can be a lot of fun and provide a lot of variety, nothing quite compares to having my own hair.

Who do you Stand for?

The news has really become something most of us don't like to watch these days, scary things are happening in the world. However, for Christians this I believe is our moment to shine because we know who is on our side. Yes, the world is becoming darker and God is being forced out of American society like never before, but is this really a surprise? God in His graciousness told us these things would occur, that the path to Him is narrow and not many take it, that the world would become darker before He makes it better. That's why I believe as Christians it is our duty to be aware of what is going on around us, to truly KNOW what the bible states, so that we can be the light that shines in the darkness around us. I believe Christians can no longer be apathetic, you must choose who you stand for and then dig in and stand! I love the bumper stickers NOTW (not of this world), it brings me the greatest peace in the chaos of this world.


I highly recommend this documentary based solely on facts and the bible, it is fascinating! I don't often recommend these types of things but I feel strongly about this one. Watch it, pray, and continue to be informed. Click on the sight below and watch the video, you won't regret it.

http://www.glennbeck.com/content/blog/glenn/rumorsofwar/

Encouraged

I recently got back from a trip to northern Idaho to see my parents and their new farm adventure, but mostly to speak the truth in a loving way. It was a good trip and I have a better understanding of their needs and what to pray for. After coming home, I also saw that someone I care for and have placed time, counsel, and countless amounts of pray for continue to make poor choices and shut God out. I came home feeling a bit deflated as I desperately want God to move in a variety of people's lives who I care so much for. I started to feel like it really doesn't matter what I say or do, I'm not making much difference in these individuals lives, and that lie started to make me feel somewhat depressed. Do you ever have those days where you feel like why bother? Why try to help those who clearly need it but aren't exactly willing to accept the help you give? All I can say is thank God for the truth of His word, it always comes to me at the exact moment I need it! The verse that jump started me out of the pit I was heading towards was Isaiah 55:10-11, " As the rain and the snow come down from heaven, and do not return to it without watering the earth and making it bud and flourish, so that it yields seed for the sower and bread for the eater, so is my word that goes out from my mouth: it will not return to me empty, but will accomplish what I desire and achieve the purpose for which I sent it." What a perfect reminder that first of all, it is not up to me to change people or fix their circumstances it is up to God. Second of all, God's word never goes out wasted, so while I may not see the results I'm hoping right away, God can still use His words to work through someones life at the exact right moment for them down the road. Isn't it just like satan to get us to believe that we are ineffective or that God's word isn't enough to fix the hurts in our lives and those around us. There are several people I wish God would simply take away their hurts and magically fix all their problems but then again, He rarely works that way. I think God is far more interested in our hearts and fixing us from the inside out, so the trials and circumstances of life are used for a good purpose. If God solved all of our troubles right away, what would be the incentive to change? I'll continue to pray for those I'm worried about and leave them at the Lord's feet, He is the only one I know truly capable of healing, fixing, and making whole. And I'm no longer deflated because I know that the things I've said or the time I've spent wasn't wasted, God will use it even if I never see how He worked it all out.

Date Days

Mark and I have been finally crossing off our "fun-to-do" list and really enjoying the summer. It will be kind of sad to see him go back to school as I enjoy being able to go places during the week to simply get away and have fun. I think we both are cherishing this together time a bit more lately as we know that our family of us and the dogs could change quite drastically in a years time. We don't know what God has in store for us which can be a bit unsettling at times but for the most part, we try to be content and live in the moment. I just love Colorado and all its beauty at our doorstep. I'll have to post a picture of Pikes Peak as we drove up to the summit, it was beautiful and simply a fun day of being together!

Three month check up

Every three months for the next two years I will see my oncologist for tests. Had my three month check up with Dr P yesterday and for the most part, I don't let these appointments consume my thoughts. In fact, I hardly pray anymore about remaining cancer free because I trust God's plans...for the most part. :) I noticed the night before my appointment I started to think about it all and let a few "what ifs" enter my thoughts. I didn't get nervous until I sat down in the office waiting to be called back, then some of my old thought habits returned a bit. I started thinking that if I was told the cancer had returned, maybe if I had spent more time praying about it all, I would remain cancer free. Then I realized how screwed up that sort of thinking is and that it is simply a lie. I can pray twenty-four hours a day that I remain cancer free but if that isn't God's will, it won't happen. It's actually a relief sometimes to realize I control so little, because then I don't have to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders...if I choose not to that is. On some level I definitely worry about it coming back because when I asked Dr P about my chances of occurrence, his response surprised me and left me a bit unsettled. I've heard so much about getting to the two year mark, it seems that if I could achieve that then my chances of occurrence dramatically decrease. I've been so focused on getting to the two year mark that I haven't worried all that much about getting to the year mark, when in reality each year counts and it will always be an unknown thing. This is where being a nurse and being a patient sometimes becomes a conflict. As a nurse, I like to know the statistics and science behind it all and yet as a patient, I know that I'm not a statistic, I really don't fit in any category for my type of cancer, and that it's all up to God anyway. Dr P's advise: take each day as it comes, live it to the fullest because there are no guarantees. Getting to the two and then five year mark does help my chances of remaining cancer free, but if we looked at all the odds behind my cancer and my health history, I shouldn't have this type of cancer in the first place. I have the type of cancer that doesn't even follow cancer rules! That type of knowledge can be so discouraging or fear-based if I don't keep the truth in front of me. The truth is God doesn't allow anything to happen to me that is outside of His will. I may not like the path He takes me on sometimes but I trust that it is ALL for my good and His glory. God-willing, I still want to make it to that two and then five year mark! Anyway, I'm proud of myself for catching some of the crazy thoughts before they spun into an all out panic. Never waste a good panic as my cancer support group says!

Foster care front

Mark and I have met with a couple of foster care agencies and I think we found an agency we want to work with. They seem to have a wonderful program for everyone involved and they really think about foster parents needs. We decided to go with a Christian agency because we want someone who will support our values and principles when raising kids, it is such a vital foundation. Anyway, we will be starting the paperwork process and continue to pray about this as becoming our new ministry. I never would have considered becoming a foster parent before cancer, I simply wasn't interested. God's plans certainly are different from our own plans! I'm not 100% sure this is something we will ultimately do but we still have time to work all that out. We must make a decision one way or another by the time we reach the point of going through with a home study, thankfully, that's down the road just a bit yet. Some days it is fun to think about and other days it's terrifying. Again, I'm being reminded to live in the present, the future doesn't belong to me anyway so why worry about something I can't control?

A little low on compassion

I have been working quite a bit in ICU lately which is a good thing; however, they have been VERY short on nurses lately and that has become taxing. Part of my growing frustration is that I'm not the same kind of nurse I used to be, I'm not sure if this is due to menopause or chemo brain. In emergencies, I used to be pretty good at multi-tasking and I could store labs/drug amounts/orders in my head until I had a chance to write them all down. Now...not so much and it is really shaking my confidence! Sometimes I really wonder if I belong in ICU anymore. I suppose it will be an adjustment process before I find a system that works well. It is definitely humbling!
There is a dark side to nursing that we (nurses) often talk about amongst ourselves and I'm a bit conflicted about sharing it to others, but the truth is I need prayer. It's no surprise that as the world continues to push God out there is an increase in self destruction. I'm seeing a disturbing trend in the patient population of ICU, they are young individuals whose destructive coping skills are literally killing them. For the most part, I take care of two patients at a time and I can honestly say that at least one of my patients is in the ICU from drugs, alcohol, or both. I'm rapidly growing tired of trying to save someone who is determined to kill themselves. Sometimes I feel like I'm wasting my time and efforts, we patch up these young people only to have them come back in a worse condition. I'm tired of watching our tax dollars go towards alcoholics and drug addicts who have no intention of trying to become sober. Life is truly a gift and I'm tired of watching so many throw theirs away while others are desperately trying to fight. I'm running dangerously low on compassion for these people and I know that is the wrong attitude. God loves these individuals and they deserve a compassionate nurse, not a hardened, sarcastic nurse. I need prayer for compassion, that's the simple truth.

Foster Parents

Please join us in prayer about becoming foster parents. This is something I had considered from time to time but never said a word to Mark about it because I was simply toying with the idea. However, out of the blue, recently Mark said to me that maybe we should consider being foster parents. I'm starting to wonder if God is leading us down this path and so we are in the beginning phases of making phone calls and asking lots of questions. There are lots of fears/concerns but I know that if this is what we should be doing, everything will fall into place. I'm actually content in not having kids so the idea of turning our entire world upside down is a bit unnerving, and yet how could we not help troubled families simply because our life as a couple is comfortable. I'm very passionate about animals and kids, there is something about standing up for those who can't stand up for themselves that really appeals to me. It sort of feels crazy to be looking into this when I'm not even a year out from treatment but then again, some of the things I felt were crazy timing-wise, turned out to be perfect timing in hindsight. Anyway, I would appreciate all the prayer we can get as this is a big, scary, exciting step into the unknown. I don't know what our future holds and that's okay because I know who holds my future!

Glimpses of the other side

I'm in a season of gratefulness as it is not lost on me the difference a year makes. Last year around this time I was in the middle of radiation and chemo. Yesterday Mark and I were out playing tennis together, it is something we always said we would start doing but we allowed life to get in the way. God is SO good! Yesterday while talking with my sister-in-law, God reminded me of some of the lessons I have been learning. While most of us dislike trials, I have been clinging to the promise that there is purpose to our pain. I cried out to God so many times in the last couple of years as I needed to know there was a purpose to my pain. There are many verses from the bible that I hung onto but I kept coming back to one in particular. Job 23:10 "But he knows the way that I take; when he has tried me, I shall come out as gold." When I finally accepted that fact that God was allowing me to go through a trial, I made the choice to wait for the "coming out as gold" part. The Greek word trial means to prove by testing; James MacDonald talks about the definition of a trial being "a painful circumstance allowed by God to change my conduct and my character." It is important to understand how gold is refined because it really is a perfect picture of Gods methods with us. When gold comes out of the ground it is mixed with other metals and impurities, the first part is to melt it and in order to do that they must get the temperature up to 1010 degrees Celsius. The second part is binding the gold where they mix a special flux to make it more fluid and bind the impurities together. When the gold is poured into a mold, the impurities (slag) rise to the top. Lastly, the gold is cooled and the impurities rise to the top where it can be separated from the gold. This process is repeated multiple times for greater purity. It is the same with us, when you feel the heat, our impurities rise and become separated IF we allow God to work within us. We don't get to choose whether or not to go into the furnace but we do get to choose how we come out, we can either become burned (bitter/angry) or purified (better/stronger faith). I spent some time being bitter and angry and it took me awhile to realize that was not how I wanted to live the rest of my life. I made the choice to trust that there would be some "gold" in my cancer trial and I'm starting to see some glimpses of it. By God's grace I'm not the same person post-treatment, I AM being purified. Lets just be clear, I would NEVER choose to have cancer and I wish I could have biological children, BUT I accept my circumstances and I'm actually at peace with the way things have turned out. I'm finally at a point where I can say that my life is better after cancer and believe me, I never thought those words would come out of my mouth. I have been at the edge of the cliff and totally leaned on God with all of my weight, and I can say that He is faithful, He is good, and He does provide all that you need when life is falling apart at the seems. Part of my "gold" post-cancer is that my marriage is better, my faith is stronger, and I have a much stronger and healthier relationship with the Lord. I still have a lot of impurities that require refining but my attitude towards refinement is less hostile because I truly understand there is purpose to my pain. What a merciful God to allow me to catch glimpses of the "gold" that has come from my cancer journey. I wish things unfolded differently BUT if I had a choice to go back to life pre-cancer or post-cancer, I would choose post-cancer any day of the week!

Traveling

We have been trying to get to Ohio for years but something always seemed to get in the way. When I found out that I would be in treatment for at least six months, I made some personal promises to myself. I remember the realization that I had let my priorities get out of whack, I had been letting life dictate some of my decisions. It was a disappointing moment but it also spurred me on to be different post-treatment. This year we were determined to make that trip to Ohio and thankfully we finally did it! It was a wonderful time spent with family! I can not express how blessed I am to be a part of Mark's family. So many people talk about their in-laws in negative terms, so I definitely realize how blessed I am because I don't feel that way at all. I have gained a second family that I instantly fell in love with, they are wonderful.
The mid west is not how I envisioned it at all, it is far more beautiful and vibrant that I had imagined. I could totally see myself living in the mid west if that is where God calls us to be. :) I'm constantly amazed by God's creation, He makes so many beautiful things.
When Mark and I were dating, we talked a lot about how much we both loved traveling and we compared some of our similar journeys. I have to say that over the years, I had become less spontaneous and a bit more rigid. I like routine there's no doubt about it but I had gotten to the point where I wasn't thrilled to disrupt my routine. In treatment, I promised myself to get back into traveling and to be more spontaneous again. I had missed out on so many opportunities simply because I didn't want to be stretched outside of my comfort zone. Post-treatment I find myself wanting to be stretched and willing to take more risks. I don't ever want to sit in a hospital again thinking about all the things I wished I had done or tallying up all the regrets. I want to live my life to the fullest as God has given me another chance and I don't want to waste this chance! I've been bitten by the traveling bug again and I can't wait to see where that takes Mark and I next!

Personal challenge

I had a LOT of couch time last year which meant a lot of tv time. I was talking with a young lady awhile back about my cancer ordeal and she asked me if I had been watching a variety of the reality shows on tv. I have always liked reality shows I guess because it is a way to escape my reality for a short period of time. After I was diagnosed, I definitely started watching some of the new reality shows for that exact reason, I wanted to escape all that I was facing. I admit this isn't a healthy way of dealing with things, but I was so angry with God that turning to Him at times was something I choose not to do. So I turned to tv and hate to admit it but have become "hooked" on some of these reality shows. I've been feeling convicted for some time now that it is time to stop watching some of this mindless tv and put my time to better use. I don't need to escape my reality anymore. So it has become my personal challenge to stop watching some of the mindless crap on tv. Feel free to ask me how I'm doing on this goal as accountability is essential when making changes.

Hair troubles

Let me just say that I'm VERY thankful to have my own hair, it's a blessing. I think I've wet my hair down about four times this morning trying to find a style that I like and I'm giving up for today. I have a wicked calick (?sp) that I've always had (chemo doesn't get rid of some things) and I'm starting to learn that mousse and curly hair do not mix! It's a bit humbling to learn what hair products work and what doesn't at my age but I'm truly starting over hair-wise. I've always envied my friends with naturally curly hair as I grew up with the straightest of hair, however, I'm starting to learn that phrase "be careful what you wish for." Curly hair isn't exactly the easiest hair to work with either, it kind of has a mind of its own. God is even using my new hair to teach me some things about myself, in particular, how difficult it is to work with stubbornness. I'm about as stubborn as they come and I'm really beginning to appreciate God's patience and grace with me. I don't blame Him one bit for allowing me to have my way sometimes and letting me fail miserably. God really is a gentleman, He's not going to force me to follow Him or force me to do things His way which are always best. So each day that I look in the mirror and see my stubborn, curly hair, I'm being reminded to let go and let God.
Today my hair wins, I just don't have the patience to deal with it. Too bad the mullet or Carol Brady look isn't in style these days, that's pretty much the look I'm getting for now. I know I should take pictures to document this period in life....it's definitely humbling. One of these days I'll work up the courage to do it and post a pic. :)

Results are in

Thank God I don't have an infected port as that would have been a HUGE hassle!! It seems I'm battling a bad virus and quite frankly, having a hard time getting over this bug. I did find out that my white count was a bit on the low side so that explains some of it. I've moved away from the fevers and am now battling a regular old cold. I haven't spent this much time on the couch since treatment and it's driving me a bit nutty. Again, I've been reminded of how much I value good health! Back to the couch for me.

Waiting game

Saw my Dr yesterday late afternoon and she was quite upset that Dr P's office has not been taking my high fevers seriously. She too is afraid that maybe my port is infected and we talked about endocarditis (infection of the heart) as well. It's disturbing to think about all this stuff to be honest! I came home and told Mark that I do NOT want to be admitted, no matter what happens, it better be on a outpatient basis!
I woke up this morning to my Dr calling me to see if I had gotten all my tests that she had ordered done. She was not too happy to hear that I hadn't done anything but seriously, it was only 9am. When I called Dr P's office to find out if they could take cultures from my port, I found out that my Dr had already called them and wanted to speak with Dr P directly. I admit that Dr P's RN has dropped the ball in my case because they are the ones managing my port. High fevers and a central line just aren't a good mix! However, I don't want to make a big fuss over everything as believe it or not, I feel much better today. I really don't understand how I could feel this good if I truly have an infection in my bloodstream, it doesn't make sense to me. It takes several days to get blood culture results back, but since I had my port flushed today, if I start having fevers/body pain tomorrow then I will know there is an infection going on. So this waiting game starts and I'm trying to keep a lid on all the "what ifs" going on in my head. Control freaks like me are not good at waiting without our minds going a hundred miles a minute. Did I mention this year that I'm working on fear in general, not letting it dictate my decisions? I'm gonna choose to trust God in this matter because quite frankly there is nothing more I can do anyway. Worrying isn't going to bring my test results back any faster and it isn't going to change the outcome of the situation. I'm going to wait and trust that God holds this whole mess in His hands and He knows what is best for me. Meanwhile, I'll continue to pray that I DON'T have an infection and that our summer traveling plans don't have to change. Never a dull moment around here....and I've come to love dull!

Illness

Sorry for neglecting my blog for a bit. Had a wonderful visit with my sister and nieces, this time I was truly able to enjoy the visit and not be stressed about test results etc. It was such a fun time even though it went way too fast!

Illness has struck the Porcher household lately. Mark has been battling a nasty cold and I've been battling the flu. However, after getting my port flushed on Monday, by Tuesday I was back to fevers and extreme body pain. Not sure if I'm battling an infection in my central line which would be such a hassle! Personally, I'm not ready to have my central line taken out. I guess I want it just in case I need it again. I have been hoping to reach the year mark and then start discussing when to have it taken out.
I've always said that I'm a pretty healthy person, I mean aside from the blood clot and cancer, I've had no other problems. :) Lately, I'm starting to feel like that fragile, sickly individual and I'm not liking it. This is definitely humbling!! Anyway, we shall see what my doctor seems to think is going on.

A difficult night

It probably doesn't take long after someone gets to know me to realize that I LOVE animals and I mean LOVE, LOVE, LOVE them. I've always been this way; I was that kid who brought every stray dog home and quite honestly, they still come home with me. :) Last night after it was dark I took Grace out for a walk, and as we passed by this certain house a chiwawa from across the street came darting out after us barking. He was trying to get to Grace, however, just as he was coming across the street a car was quickly approaching and it became apparent that he was going to get hit. I tried to yell at this small dog to stop him but it was too late, I heard the unmistakable thump as the car never came to stop. I know I'm a nurse but when it comes to animals all bets are off, I don't handle hurt animals well. I don't watch anything or read anything about animal abuse cases and I turn the channel on the tv when an animal kills its prey. I'm a super big wimp when it comes to animals and I freely admit it. So when this poor dog continued to lay in the street and didn't appear to be moving, I assumed it was dead and quite honestly, I was a bit panicked. I ran to the owner's house and knocked on their door and when they didn't answer, I went to the next house and knocked on her door. I was visibly upset and explained what just happened and thankfully she took me back to the owners house and when they saw her, they opened the door. I should have scooped that little dog up from the street but I wasn't thinking clearly and I was afraid to see it. A couple other cars drove over that dog as I'm sure they never saw him but by God's grace, he wasn't hit a second time. Anyway, the owner and her two young daughters rushed outside and one little girl started to run into the street to see if this was her dog. I went with her because I didn't want her to get hit, once we came upon her dog his tail moved which shocked me as I was sure he was dead. She scooped him up and we all ran back into their house, this poor dog was bleeding from his mouth and his nose. Everyone around me started to panic and that's when I started to become calm and think a bit more clearly. I was afraid this dog was bleeding internally and it bothered me that no adult was making a decision so I bluntly told everyone that this dog was suffering and they needed to make a decision right now as to what they wanted to do. That's when the owner Paula told me she wanted to take him somewhere but she was starting to have a panic attack and asked if I would drive them to get help. We wrapped the dog in a blanket, loaded her kids and Grace in her car (I told her I didn't have my license but at that point, it really didn't matter) and off we went. Everyone was becoming hysterical in the car and so I asked her if I could pray for all of them as we drove and that seemed to calm us all down. I stayed with them at the emergency room until her husband and son got there and then Mark came and picked Grace and I up. The news sounded a bit better than I anticipated, no internal bleeding but there was significant head trauma. I had exchanged phone numbers with Paula and asked that she please let me know of the final outcome of her dog. I had rescued one of their boston terriers probably a couple of years ago Tulula and fell in love with that dog. They obviously have some issues as their house is full of kids and many little dogs....lots of chaos! Once I got into the car with Mark the water works starting flowing, I was so heartbroken over this little dog AND the fact that Grace and I were the reason it got hit in the first place. I was also a bit bothered by the fact that I'll go to great lengths for animals but I'm not sure I would do the same for people. The truth is that sometimes I care far more about animals than people. Animals are unconditional, they don't disappoint, and I don't question their motives. Simply put, I trust animals in a way that takes me a bit when it comes to people. I'm sure God is working on this imbalance in me and it's going to take time. I called Paula today to see how their chiwawa is doing and so far, he is hanging in there which is a huge relief to me. The next 24-48 hrs are critical to make sure he doesn't have any swelling of the brain, she promised to keep me posted. I so hope this little dog lives!!

God is in the details

I'd have to say that I'm in a wonderful season right now of seeing God's hand at work all around me. Nothing big or dramatic is going on in the Porcher household (thank God), it's more like seeing God in the little details of our daily lives. It is so easy to get on with MY day, MY plans, MY agenda and I'll schedule God into my quiet time but as soon as that "time" is over, I'm back onto me, my, and I. God has been reminding me a lot lately that He didn't create me to live this way. I see God at work all around me and find myself amazed at the care and detail He takes in our daily lives, I'm amazed at the lengths God goes for us. I know this isn't new or shocking news but I'm seeing a side of God lately that I haven't always seen. Not that God is changing, I guess I am changing a bit. I find myself thanking God many times throughout the day, I'm thankful He is in control of things. In my time with the Lord yesterday, I actually thanked Him for this cancer journey. I hope I'm completely done with cancer as I don't ever want to go through treatment again, BUT I'm incredibly thankful for the changes God has made because of the cancer. God is at work all around us, it is our choice to slow down to actually see what He is doing and join Him. I think satan's best weapon is called distraction as we live in such a fast-paced world, it's hard to slow down, be still, and listen to what God is saying. So many things pull for our time and attention, sometimes it's hard to go against the flow. I'm starting to truly see the loving God that we serve!

Fearful

This year I'm determined to not let my fears dictate my behavior. It's going to be a slow process and I'm okay with that, I'm celebrating all the small steps that occur in between. I didn't use to be a fear-based person, I'm sure growing up my parents wished I had been a bit more fearful. I was the kid that did what I wanted and said what I felt should be said no matter the consequences. I've been reflecting on all of this and trying to figure out when this all changed and why. I think it all started after I moved to Colorado and started working in ICU. I felt pretty safe in my Colorado Springs neighborhood, until I started seeing more and more gunshot and stabbing victims, some times gang related and some times random events. Personally, I don't believe in random or fate, I believe that everything happens for a reason. Some times God gives us a sneak peak into the whys but many times we will never fully understand the reasons this side of heaven. I'm slowly learning to accept that fact as I'd rather serve a God I can't fully understand. As time went by in ICU, I started to truly see the fragility of life and how much an individuals life can change in a split second. I started asking other trauma nurses how they overcame all these fears and was a bit surprised to learn that they hadn't, they simply learned how to keep them in check. I say that God is sovereign and that while I don't know what the future holds, I know who holds my future, but am I really living that out? If I'm constantly afraid of what is coming next, it robs me of living in the present. Life is short, I want to live in the here and now rather than tomorrow. I might always be a fear-based person but I want to learn to live in a way where I feel the fear and do it anyway.

Test results

I had my three month check up on Monday and met with Dr P's NP Cara to go over the results. I wasn't too nervous about this one and have to believe God has granted me peace in the whole situation. However, when Cara gave me the results of my CA-125 blood test, lots of fears started to flood my mind. CA-125 is a cancer tumor marker and is often used in ovarian cancer but lots of things can affect this blood test. Prior to treatment I had never had this test performed because I was premenopausal and it is believed only to be accurate after menopause. However, a month into chemo Dr P was disappointed we had never done this test and decided to get one done just to see where I was at. At that time, my CA-125 was 7, yesterday I found out that the number had increased to 10.8 with anything below 11 considered normal. The truth is that we don't know what my initial CA-125 would have been and we don't know if this test is valuable in my case. Hearing 10.8 knowing that 11 is normal doesn't exactly give me a lot of wiggle room, therefore doesn't help me relax. I was bothered in hearing that my number had increased and yet understand that we don't know if that's significant in my case. The truth is that with my type of cancer, my numbers could continue to increase and that doesn't mean recurrence. On the other hand, my numbers could remain low and that doesn't mean there are no cancer cells lurking. This is a grey test in my case and I knew that going into things. In talking with Cara, we have decided not to do another CA-125 as I don't want to know if my numbers continue to go higher, it would only add to my anxiety and really isn't a reliable piece of information. I left my oncologists office with mixed feelings as I was told my pap results would come back in a week. When I saw their office number on caller ID my heart sank a bit as I was thinking news this quickly can't be good news. It's hard to get out of that mind frame! The nurse quickly reassured me that she had good news and that my pap was normal. WOOHOO!!! I will have a CT scan in three months along with another pap and hopefully all will go well at that check up.
The nurse part of me wants the statistics, what are the odds that I will truly remain cancer free. I really grilled Cara about this but she didn't give me anything concrete. I'm sure I'll do the same to Dr P in three months! God gave me quite the reminder yesterday that people are not statistics. Yesterday in ICU, I followed up on a previous patient I had taken care of on Friday. She is 33 and had OD on narcotics, found at home barely breathing and had aspirated on her own vomit. When I took care of her she was still on the vent, not following any commands and her EEG (brain wave test) looked quite grim. For the most part, we all felt that she was probably going to become a donor case but her family was not ready for this news at all. Her mother kept talking to me about "when" her daughter comes home and while I didn't say anything to discourage this type of thinking, I kept thinking how sad, she is in so much denial. To my surprise, yesterday she was taken off the vent and I actually held a conversation with her! This woman can not only breath for herself, she is able to think and function way better than anybody expected! The truth is that only God determines our outcomes, I see it time and again.....and yet I still want that dang number. I'm a work in progress I suppose. Thank you for all the prayers, so far I'm still cancer free!!!!

A year ago today...

I can't help but think how differently today was a year ago! I had started my first chemo treatment several days prior and my mom had been staying with us since my surgery in February. My birthday is tomorrow and a year ago I was so angry with all that we were going through, that I wasn't in the mood to celebrate and I let everyone around me know that too. In retrospect I feel badly for my mom, she wanted to respect my wishes but at the same time she wanted to celebrate my birth. A year ago today, I was SO angry with God and all that He was allowing, I couldn't see His goodness in my circumstance at all. My mom and I spent this day last year with a lot of tears and a lot of turmoil. In order to respect my wishes, she tried to give me some birthday gifts today rather than tomorrow. I remember her coming into the living room with a box for a new skillet and as soon as I saw it, I started crying which in turn made her cry. I kept telling her "why would I want celebrate this year? why didn't God just let me die with the blood clot, why do I have to go through this too?" I'm sure that's not what a mother wants to hear from her child! Through tears my mom revealed her fears that I would give up. We talked about God's character and His sovereignty and how none of this made sense. A year ago today, I felt hopeless, angry, and weak. I did not know if I could endure 6 months of treatment, plus learn to let go of some of my hopes and dreams for the future. We have wedding pictures all over our house and for a period of time, I could not look at them without tears because it represented all that I had lost. What a difference a year makes! I enter this birthday year extremely thankful in a way that I've never experienced. The American Cancer Society says they are the official sponsor of birthdays. :) For the first time in my life, I want this birthday and have a lot to celebrate! I'm still sorting some things out with God but I see and know that He is good, all the time!
Mom, I'm sorry I made this day such a difficult one for you a year ago. Thank you for your patience and simply sitting and crying with me. God restores the smallest of things doesn't He!

Prayer and wisdom

Mark and I would like nothing more than to be comfortable for awhile, to let things settle and coast for a bit. Isn't that how we would all like to live? I think God may have other plans for us and at times that is a bit frightening to me. The control freak in me really wrestles with God for all the plans ahead of time and God continues to remind me that He only reveals my next step. I'm sure that's in my best interest, if I knew what my future held I'm not sure I would handle it all that well. Mark and I have been feeling for some time now that God will be leading us out of Colorado. There are SO many unknowns and uncertainties that some days it leaves us spinning. Personally, I think we both would rather stay where we are, but we know how important it is to be obedient and do as the Lord asks, even if it doesn't make sense at the time or we lack a lot of details. This is such a scary step for us as we don't know the time frame or even how this will all come together. Would you join us in prayer for wisdom and discernment? We want to be obedient and we don't want to make decisions out of fear, it's a difficult balance. We KNOW the power of prayer!

Praise report

I have to say that February has been a month filled with a variety of praises. Our year started much like last year, filled with trials and unknowns and in my baby-like faith, I was trying to trust in God rather than question the circumstances. I have been clinging to God's word and waiting to see how everything was going to come together...some things have come together so beautifully that it's got God's handwriting all over it! Some of you know that Mark had been pulled out of the school he has been at and split between two other schools, this was the second time they had moved him THIS YEAR. It was very troubling and the future was looking uncertain, BUT we have since learned that what appeared on the surface to be crazy and disorganized is actually a huge blessing. This is not only a better circumstance for the remainder of the year but has set him up for a good situation next year too. This has been a huge answer to prayer for us!
I had been having trouble getting shifts as the hospital had changed their entire scheduling system. Basically, the best way to get shifts now is by the relationships that you have with a department. In talking with the administration of ICU, I was told that there wasn't a need in their department at this time. I was very disappointed as one of my biggest goals throughout treatment was to get back to working in ICU, I had really missed it. I figured God was closing a door and seemed to be opening another in oncology so I went with it. It was at that point that ICU started calling me and there is a huge need in ICU all of a sudden. :) Again, the way this has unfolded has God's hand writing all over it. I'm still amazed that whenever I let go, God does His best work and all for my good. We still have some uncertainties and continue to wait on God as I'm absolutely confident that He is in complete control.

Emotional turmoil

I know I've talked about my struggle working in oncology but it doesn't seem to be getting easier or better with time. Each time I work there I have at least one young patient and it's just way too close to home. This last time I had a young 40 something that was dying from breast cancer that had metastasized to basically everywhere. Her family, and quite honestly, she herself was not ready to accept the fact that she was dying and there is not much else that medicine can do for her at this point. On the one hand, I tried to make her as comfortable as possible and really tried to incorporate her family in the whole process. Their anger at her situation was palpable, I understood the anger which in turn helped me not take anything they said personally. On the other hand, her situation scared me as my future is still a bit uncertain. I thought a lot that shift about what I would want my last days to look like, how I would want things to unfold. I handled my assignment fine throughout the day, it was after the shift was over that I had a hard time processing everything. I had my cancer support group the next afternoon and found that too to be a difficult time. Many of the women in my group are stage 4 and have less than 20% chance of beating their cancer, those are hard odds to face daily. I'm trying to keep my fears in check as I walk through this transitional time, it's not easy. I think throughout treatment I was very guarded and tried not to get my hopes up too much that this would work. I didn't want (and still don't) to ever experience such disappointment like I did when I found out the type of cancer I have. To find that the ONE thing I had been thankful for (and that was not easy to find) was suddenly gone, left me with an emptiness I don't ever want to experience again. The further I get out from treatment, I find that I'm dropping a bit of that guard and starting to hope for a cancer free future. It's scary to hope for something that I have very little control over. In my situation, we are in some uncharted territory as no one knows the significance of the CA-125 blood test. I'm not sure I want to go through check-ups every three to four months, go through the emotional turmoil when we aren't sure if these tests will be helpful or not. I'll do my check up in March, but I'm going to talk with Dr P about maybe just doing scans twice a year. The reality is that if I can make it to the two year mark and remain cancer free, I have a very good chance of beating this. If I don't....we did the most aggressive treatment available and Mark and I will have a lot of decisions to make about how we want the future to unfold. People can live a long time and simply manage their cancer but you have to be willing to accept a different type of quality of life....and I'm not sure I'm there. I'm living in a strange place mentally and emotionally right now, trying to find a balance. Here's my dilemma, if I knew for certain that treatment didn't work, I would certainly live differently. I'd probably be more selfish, do the things I want to do rather than the things I feel I should be doing, spend way more time with family, and eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. :) Because I'm living in this unknown time period I'm trying to find a balance between both worlds. I guess this is something that everyone battles as no one knows the exact date of their last breath, it's just on my mind a lot more these days. I don't want a lot of regrets at the end. I'm not sure that working in oncology is a good thing for me right now. I find it interesting that whether I'm working in oncology or ICU, I ALWAYS have a patient with cancer. I wonder if God is trying to help me continually face my fears....I'm sure there is a reason that even in ICU, I'm getting cancer patients.

Leaves

Read a devotional that I thought I would share by Marybeth Whalen:

Mark 8:35
"For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me and for the gospel will save it."

When my daughter asked me one day why the leaves change color, I scanned the recesses of my brain for this most basic of elementary science fact. But there was nothing there. I patted my daughter and assured her, yet again, we would learn this answer together. We read a book together on why leaves change color. The leaves are slowly dying, they hold onto the tree loosening a bit more every day. The more they detach, the more a substance within them called chlorophyll dissipates. Chlorophyll is green in color, which causes the whole leaf to appear green. But when the chlorophyll is gone, other colors have a chance to surface. The red, gold, and orange colors were within the leaf along-they were just overshadowed by the presence of the green chlorophyll. It took the process of dying for their glorious colors to be displayed. We are in the process of dying every day just like those leaves. When we choose to follow Christ, He asks us to take up our cross and follow Him, engaging in a daily process of giving up our rights, our pride, ourselves in the name of service, giving and submitting. It is the painful work of death, yet in it we find colors we didn't know were there emerging. Once our sense of self and entitlement overshadowed us, coloring us an eternal-yet common-green. In the dying process, we find that God designed us to be more brilliant and colorful as we surrender our lives to Him. People are drawn to this colorful display. They want to know how they too can break out of their same old green-colored lives and live within this kind of brilliance. In our humanness, we want to cling to the security of the tree- the security of money, family, or the comfort zones of our routines. But God asks us to let go, to trust Him, to die a little more each day. We must trust the dying process and encourage others to do the same, displaying our colors so that people far from Him are drawn to Him, just as He intended.

Hope you are encouraged today!

Aftermath update

This coming week I get to do a trial of only wearing the compression stocking when I'm working or working out. I'm VERY excited but also a bit nervous as I hope the lymphedema doesn't flare up again. My leg is still half an inch bigger than the other but it no longer hurts and that's most important to me. I don't know that my right leg will ever be the same size as my left leg, I'm accepting that for the most part.
Sleep is still a big issue, I continue to battle hot flashes at night. I don't think doctors really know how to manage all my menopause symptoms as I'm not the typical case. I've come off the clonidine (bp med) and tried a mini trial without my sleeping pill, it seems I can go a night without the sleeping med but that's it. My hot flashes seem to be more noticeable without the clonidine but here's the deal, I'm not adding the effexor to all my other pills! Either the effexor will decrease my hot flashes or it won't and if it doesn't, I'm going on estrogen. So, I've increased the effexor to the normal dose (I was taking half of a normal dose) and giving it another month. I would like to make it to the one year mark before taking estrogen but again, quality of life will dictate things.

We have got to take a picture of my hair so I can post it. I'm in that wild stage where it pretty much has a mind of its own (my hair always has!) and I look like I have a mohawk most of the time. There's not much I can do with it but I'm using mousse to simply try and have it not stick up. My hair color came back much darker than Mark or I am used to so we decided to try and color it back to my original color, light ash blonde. Lets just say it didn't work, it's definitely lighter but it's not light ash blonde. I'm going to go a bit lighter next time and see what happens. The great thing about starting over after chemo is that my hair now has some curl to it and I love that as my hair used to be stick straight! :) The other thing I'm finding is that I lose eyebrow and eyelashes all at the same time, so sometimes I have more than other times. Usually these hairs are on a different life cycle but because I lost mine all at the same time, they are all on the same cycle. Not sure I really enjoy that, when I start losing them I feel like I'm back on chemo....temporarily.

My follow-up appointment with Dr P is a month away and I have days where I'm a bit nervous. The further I get away from treatment, the more I want to be cancer free!

Surgery Anniversary

It's hard to believe that a year ago today, I had the hysterectomy. I went into the surgery ready to do it and relieved that it was time as we knew I had been failing treatment. God graciously allowed me to get to the point where emotionally I was ready to let go of my uterus and some of my dreams. I worked up until the surgery and found it such a comfort that each time I worked, I took care of a woman who had a similar type of surgery. I watched them bounce back so quickly that it really helped lower my fear levels. What I didn't think about is the fact that none of those women had cancer and so there surgery wasn't quite as involved or intrusive, and that set me up for some unrealistic expectations. The first time I woke up after surgery I was a bit stunned as to how much pain I was in, it literally took my breath away. It took quite awhile to get my pain under control but once it was better, I started asking questions about the outcome of the surgery. I could tell by my families responses that something was wrong, that my cancer had spread. I was prepared to hear that bit of news because of the pain and bleeding leading up to the surgery, I was prepared to hear it spread to an ovary. Mark and my family had decided they would let Dr P give me the results the next morning, but I started asking specific questions because I could tell that something was wrong and I wanted to know right then! I remember my sister was the one to tell me that the results came back as papillary serous. She didn't think I would know what that meant because it was a rare type of cancer and not talked about all that often. I remember everything started to cave in on me and the tears began to flow, this simply couldn't be happening!! I think by now you all know I'm not a pill person but I remember feeling like I could use some valium or ativan at that moment (I didn't). :) My nurse came in my room around that time and asked if I wanted the chaplain to visit and I did! I had been SO angry at the fact that I had cancer, but the one thing I had been thankful for is that I didn't have a papillary type of cancer as they are nasty and sometimes not responsive to treatment. To find that small bit of hope crushed felt like my last bit of light at the end of the tunnel was gone. Everyone tried to be very reassuring that I would get through this and yet their fears were somewhat palpable. It was a scary time and there were so many unanswered questions. When Dr P came out to speak to my family and appeared visibly shaken (so I'm told), sat down (it's never good news when the MD sits), and explained to them he didn't know how this could happen. This was the first time we all knew that chemo would be required, next would be waiting for the full pathology report. I have to say that Mark made it very clear to me that whatever we faced next, we would face as a team. He simply wanted me to live. I had never been pro-chemo but seeing just how much he loved me, how could I not give it a try? Hard to believe it's been a year, it feels like a lifetime ago! Sometimes I'm thankful God doesn't give us all the details to our future.

Not of this world

It seems like so many people I know are going through some incredibly difficult times. Personally, Mark and I have yet to get out of this difficult season of life and I am SO ready for a season of rest. Some days, I am beyond frustrated with our circumstances and wonder what in the world is God doing? I will say that I'm depending on God with my full weight like never before these last couple of years and that's not a bad thing. I find it interesting that when I'm freaking out about our circumstances, Mark is not and vice versa. We truly balance each other out in our faith walk most times. God continues to teach me things through my dogs, go figure! I spent most of the Superbowl at the animal emergency room as Jackson had a fairly deep laceration on his nose of all places. They glued it closed and then a few hours later he burst through the doggy door and it separated. Fortunately, I was able to stop the bleeding so that we could wait to see our vet the following day. You can imagine the bill for an animal ER visit! Took him to our vet on Monday and she re-glued his nose, once we got home it separated yet again. By this time I called my mom in tears, she let me vent all my frustrations, joined me in tears, and prayed for me. Thank God for moms!! The reason I tell this story is because Jackson is clearly Mark's dog. After we brought Jackson home, Mark stayed home with him for a week while I was working and they formed a special bond. I've been somewhat jealous at how Jackson perks up anytime Mark is around. However, through this whole ordeal with Jackson, I'm starting to form a bond with him in a whole new way too. I will probably never have what Mark has with him, but I'm seeing how his trial is bringing us closer together. I feel as though God is saying to me, "See, that's what I'm doing with you too." Unfortunately, we don't grow closer to God in the calm periods of life, we grow closer to Him in the storms. This gives me hope because it means that there is a purpose to my trials and my tears, nothing is wasted. While I would love a calm period, I'm choosing to trust that what God is doing is best...whether it makes sense to me or not. It's a daily choice, sometimes it's minute by minute. The other thing that brings me hope is that earth isn't my true home, the time here will be a vapor in comparison to heaven. I used to be afraid that God would come back before I got married, had kids etc., and now I look back and think how silly and foolish. My life isn't my own and I don't control much. Anytime God wants to come back, I'll gladly welcome my new and perfect home!

James 1:12
"Blessed is the man who perseveres under trial, because when he has stood the test, he will receive the crown of life that God has promised to those who love him."

Bittersweet time

On Saturday, we euthanized Jez as our vet had told us the mass on her liver was quite large and four months ago she had a clean check up. This meant her cancer was quite aggressive and we wanted to end things on a good note for her. I didn't want her to get to the point of suffering or in a lot of pain! It was the hardest decision I have ever made!! How rare it is in life to know the exact day of someones last breath and while it was a very bittersweet week for me, it gave me the opportunity to cherish special moments with her. She wasn't just my dog....she was at times my roommate and had become my four-legged kid. When Mark and I tell the story of how we met, it was my schnauzers that started a discussion and connecting point. Her last week was wonderfully filled with her favorite foods and lots of park time. On Saturday, we gave her cheese and ice cream (her all-time favorites), took her to the park and then headed in to the vet. I held her as she took her last breaths and it was a beautiful process. I think Mark and my family have been concerned with how I would handle this whole ordeal because my dogs have become my kids. I have to say that while this has been a VERY difficult time for me, I have been overwhelmed by gratitude and the gentle way God allowed this to unfold. He gave me an extra year and a half to prepare for this moment, and then graciously gave me an additional week to cherish my time with her and say goodbye. I am so touched by the fact that I serve a personable God who truly cares about the things I care about big and small. I was able to see God's loving hands all over Jez's life and especially in this last year and a half. What a loving God to allow me to complete my treatment and get through the holidays with her. She had been a constant reminder that science doesn't know it all, God is in control! Jez provided a lot of hope for me during my treatment.
Here's what I'm really starting to understand from this whole ordeal: I can't make judgements about God based on my circumstances and what I see, because He is working behind the scenes truly knitting everything together for my good. When we got the boys, it appeared to be a horrible and crazy time as Mark was starting school and I was about to start my fifth chemo cycle. Puppies aren't cheap and this decision made no sense to us financially. It was SO out of character for me to make such a big, rash decision and yet Mark and I now see how the timing was perfect. The boys don't replace Jez at all, but it certainly helps fill some of the void. I am SO thankful that Grace hasn't become an only dog as I think that would be a terrible shock to her. She's not thrilled with the boys, but at least it provides some distraction and excitement.

I realized last night, I had a very small glimpse into the kind of love that God has for us by giving us His only son. Putting Jez down was the hardest decision for me and yet the most loving thing I could do for her since she was sick. I can't begin to imagine giving up a healthy child for somebody's life! God gave up His only son for me long before I even cared about Him and how often I take that for granted. I let other distractions take a higher priority many times and what a slap in the face that must be! Who would have thought that through the death of my dog, I would fall a bit deeper in love with the Lord. God is good, all the time!

Bad News

I've been trying to prepare myself for this news when I was first told that Jez's cancer was extremely aggressive and the vet told us the likelihood that it had already spread was quite high. Several months later, I found out that I had cancer. It became my secret prayer that she make it to the one year mark, then that Jez would live through my treatment so I wouldn't have to deal with her loss at the same time. She made it and then my prayer became that she would live through the holiday season. She made it! So while I sat in the vet's clinic today and was told that Jez's cancer has metastasized to her liver, I was filled with gratitude and immense sadness. Gratitude that God granted my prayers and gave me an additional year and a half with Jez. Gratitude as the vet told me most dogs don't live past 14 days with the type of cancer and surgery she had. Gratitude for the lessons I've learned as God used my dogs to teach me a variety of things. Gratitude that God has slowly been preparing me for this moment. Basically, we must decide when to euthanize her and it's not as simple as it sounds. If her tumor bursts she will bleed out very quickly and that is not the way I want her to die. For the most part, her personality is still there and she enjoys her favorite things, so it's a difficult decision. Part of my sadness tonight is that Jez was beating the odds and it gave me a lot of hope for my own situation. I would look at her and be reminded that science doesn't know it all! Please pray for us as we make this difficult decision, I want to do the right thing at the right time. I'm really beginning to hate cancer!!!