My year summed up in a ring...

Since surgery, I've been wanting to get something to celebrate the end of treatment, something that will be a daily reminder of all that God has done for me in just this year alone. At church this week I found the perfect thing, a silver ring that has "new creation" inscribed on it with butterflies after the inscription. For my first chemo treatment (and birthday as I started chemo days before my birthday), my mom gave me turquoise butterfly jewelry as a way to mark the beginning of the changes and rebirth I would be going through this year. I loved the gift but didn't have much hope at that time about what lay ahead for me. The picture above doesn't do the ring justice as this is two rings in one with the ring with the inscription able to move and the second ring underneath it stable. It's as though I am the movable part of the ring and God is the second stable, grounded part of the ring. This ring fits me because there are so many things different about me post treatment. I feel as though God is giving me yet another new beginning and for those that know my full story, know that I've already had several new beginnings of sorts. I'm not sure why God continues to grant mercy on me like He does, I just know I'm here for a reason, He has a purpose and plan for my life...and He's not calling me home just yet.

What a difference a year makes! I've been reflecting a lot this Christmas about last year and where I was on my faith walk with God. It was a scary time for both Mark and I as we were beginning to understand that I was failing conservative treatment. It was an even scarier time spiritually as I was beyond angry with God, completely doubted His plans and doubted His love. I remember saying to Mark a lot that if this is the hand of a loving God, I wasn't sure I wanted any part of Him. This spiritual desert (and this isn't my first desert) was the scariest time period, I really didn't know if I would abandon everything I knew and walk away from God. I truly believe it was the prayers of others standing in the gap for me in ways I couldn't stand for myself that kept me on track. There is power in prayer, my whole life is a testament to that fact! I don't know what 2011 holds for me this year and honestly there is some residual fear always lurking in the background, but hope and promise outweigh the fear most days. I do know that I'm truly a new creation going into 2011, God's hands have definitely left their mark on me these days. If God is for me, who could be against me!!

Lymphedema

I think lymphedema is one of the things that most cancer patients fear will become part of the aftermath of their surgery. I know it was a huge fear of mine and yet I was told that because I am so active, it probably won't be an issue. Probably being the key word! So over the last few months I've watched my right leg have intermittent swelling and pain, all the while hoping this wasn't lymphedema. We have lymph nodes throughout our body, they are the clean-up crew so to speak as they filter out all the impurities in our bodies. With my original surgery, many lymph nodes were taken as a way to find out if they had gotten hold of any cancer cells. I had one lymph node come back positive which is why I'm a stage 3 and why I had such an aggressive treatment plan. I think Dr P was very aggressive in removing lymph nodes on my right side because that is the side of the uterus where the majority of the visible cancer was. Anytime the lymph system is disturbed, it means that the remaining lymph nodes have to work that much harder to clear out fluids and impurities and sometimes it simply can't keep up, which gives swelling to that area. I've had persistent swelling and discomfort to the right groin area lately and I knew this was the much dreaded lymphedema. Part of me wanted to ignore this somewhat new development because I'm sick of seeing specialists and I just want to be done with this whole cancer business now. Unfortunately, the reality is that if I continue to ignore this situation, it will only get worse and I don't want that! I finally saw a lymph specialist today and I'm actually glad that I went, there was more good news than bad. The bad news is that yes, I have lymphedema and that there is a 1 inch difference at the most. I have daily exercises that I must do and I need to wear a compression stocking to the whole right leg daily. The good news is that it's only an inch difference, there are exercises that should help my clogged lymph system, and they have come a LONG ways with compression stockings since I've seen them on my patients. The lymph specialist feels because we are catching this early, I should have a good response and the hope is that I won't have to wear a compression stocking daily for the rest of my life. Hopefully, we will get the swelling under control and speed up my lymph system so that I will only have to wear the stocking at times. I'm pretty impressed with the stocking, it basically feels like I'm wearing panty hose to the right leg, it's comfortable and looks like panty hose. The odd part is that it's only on the one leg and so it feels like I'm missing part of my panty hose, specifically around the pelvic/abdomen region. I'm sure women will understand what I'm talking about. :) The exercises are simple and easy to do, however, it does bother me that it's one more thing I have to do as part of the aftermath of cancer. I'm a bit irritated that I wasn't given these lymph exercises RIGHT AFTER surgery as a way to maybe ward off lymphedema in the first place. There was a whirlwind of info coming at me after surgery but I would have been willing to do anything to ward off lymphedema! I could have done some research on my own and figured this stuff out for myself and part of me is kicking myself for not doing it, but I shouldn't have to treat myself. Sometimes, I just want to be a patient, not the nurse-patient-doctor to myself! I'm going to talk with Dr P's nursing staff and recommend they give the exercise handouts to ALL their post-surgery patients. I'm sure at times his staff is sick of me but thankfully God made me stubborn so I do what I think is best for the patient regardless of how annoying I may be. Anyway, prayers would be appreciated that this new regimen works and that the swelling goes away. Also, that my fears stay in check about this new problem. It's very easy to start a pity party that I have one more flipping problem, but the truth is God has been VERY good to me throughout this whole ordeal! I don't want to lose sight of that fact. I'll keep you all updated on the lymph situation.

When my lymph specialist told me she had a hysterectomy at 25 due to health issues, I immediately relaxed. We can relate to each other on several issues and her outlook on her situation brings me a lot of hope. I'm constantly amazed at the perfect people God places in my life at the perfect timing!

The results are in...

So far, I am cancer free!!! Dr P gave me the results and then said "Merry Christmas" as this is the first bit of good news he has given me. :) We gave each other a hug and I've officially graduated to check-ups every three months, sounds good to me. Thank you for all the prayers for us this year, I'm sure heaven is sick of our name by now.

I went to my first support group yesterday that was started a year ago by one of Dr P's patients, so our cancers are all gyn related. The majority of women were stage 3 or stage 4 and I have to say that even I was shocked at how good these women looked. I have talked a lot about the downfalls and frustrations of medicine but yesterday was a reminder of the positive evolvement in the area of cancer. These women not only looked great but they are leading active, productive lives, it gave me a lot of hope. I found a common recurring theme among us and that is that most of us stop making long-term plans. I think we are all trying to live in the present, enjoy the moment, and focus more on short-term goals/plans. None of us are guaranteed tomorrow, but waking up day after day with that reality staring me in the face, hopefully means I'll live each day differently and with meaning. I certainly celebrate many things these days that I once took for granted.
With my good results, I'm going to start focusing on getting back into ICU! :)

My first test...

Last night we found out one of our friends is going to have a baby; it's one of those moments that I have been wondering how I would handle and praying for the right heart attitude. No matter how much you try to prepare yourself, these type of announcements are the true test! When I was blindsided by the devastating news that we weren't going to have biological kids, one of my friends gently told me that God either grants the desires of our hearts (in His timing of course) or He changes our hearts desire. Back then, I couldn't imagine how God could heal my wounded heart. I'm that stereotypical girl who played with baby dolls all the while imagining they were my own (I even dressed up the dogs). In high school, my friends voted me to be the first to get married and have lots of kids as it was clear, motherhood was my calling....or so we thought. So with the test of last night, I was truly stunned by another one of God's merciful healing as I found myself genuinely happy for this cute couple. I guess I've secretly been afraid that in these moments, I would be so consumed by my own sadness that I wouldn't be able to stay in the moment and rejoice with my friends. It was in this moment that I realized God has been healing and preparing my heart for such a time as this. He truly knows what we need and at the exact moment we will need it. In my friends announcement, I heard God whisper to me that no matter what my biopsy results show, He will give me what I need, period. It was a real life moment of Psalm 46:10! Now don't get me wrong, there is still loss to be processed as I know I haven't dealt with the full extent of it all. This isn't something you can accept and process all at once, it occurs in small bits and pieces....at least for me. Last night as we watched their announcement video, there was sadness in the fact that we will never make that type of announcement. All the moments of dreaming about how I would tell Mark and family we were pregnant are lost and while it stings now, it's not consuming sadness like I thought it would be. The other part that surprised me is that the different stinging moments have to occur because at the same time that it hurts, it's healing. This whole process is very similar to an open wound--if you want it to heal, it's got to heal from the inside out and the cleaning process never feels good. I'm at that age where those around me are having babies and I'm finding that I'm really okay with that fact. With each baby announcement comes a deeper healing for me, from a worldly stance that doesn't make sense but from a Godly stance, it totally makes sense. I will never understand (at least this side of heaven) why Mark and I have not been gifted biological children, BUT God provides peace and contentment in the loss. And Connie you were right, God IS changing my hearts desires! :)

Surgery day

Mark and I had quite the sleepless night before surgery, not because of nerves but because of our dogs! Needless to say, I love anesthesia drugs, it's the best sleep I've had since going into menopause. :) Because the boys were recently neutered and couldn't be trusted to leave their incisions alone, Mark dropped me off for my surgery with the understanding that Dr P would call him with the results. Before the surgery, I expressed my concerns over the pathology not coming back clean. Dr P's eyes got quite big as he asked why I worry about that, he seemed to feel as though everything would be fine but said he would take some additional biopsies to prove treatment had worked. I find his confidence startling as I don't trust a lot of things anymore but I hope he is right! The surgery itself went very well and Dr P had said that everything looked good. It took me much longer to get the anesthesia out of my system and because I almost passed out in the bathroom, they pretty much kept me there all day. It's hard to tell if chemo has changed the way my kidneys filter meds or if it's the combination of being sick prior to surgery and so my body is simply taxed right now. Anyway, once I got home I started having some pain not from the incision sites but from the gas they used for laproscopic surgery. This occurred with the last surgery so it wasn't too alarming. However, by the next morning I was having a hard time breathing and any movement made breathing more difficult. Mark had gone to school as planned but came home early as I was struggling and I am so glad he came home when he did. I tried to get up and move around as that is the best way to get rid of the built up gas, but it really aggravated breathing and my accessory muscles were tiring out from the struggle. When it got to the point of one-word sentences we called Dr P who basically said I either needed to come in and see him or go to the ER. I felt this was totally ridiculous as my problems were gas related and that I was wasting his time, but I will do anything to stay out of the ER! I have never in my life gone to a doctors office in my PJ's but when you can't breath, everything else isn't as important. It was quite the humbling experience! When I told Dr P I felt this was a waste of his time, that's when he told Mark and I that he found a nodule on one of my ureters, removed it and so was worried that maybe he nicked the ureter and I was leaking urine into my body. He didn't want to tell us about the nodule because he feels it is probably scar tissue from radiation and didn't want us to worry. This bothered me a great deal, I don't want my physician filtering information because he doesn't want me to worry. I'm already worried about microscopic cancer cells being found as it is! I know his heart is in the right place but he's really starting to fracture our trust relationship. Honestly, I think Dr P has gotten too emotionally involved in my case, I think he still feels badly about not truly knowing the type of cancer I had until the actual hysterectomy. Being in the medical field, I understand how the way things turned out in my case causes all kinds of red flags and is unacceptable from his standpoint. However, I truly believe everything happens for a reason and I've made peace with the way things unfolded. I actually believe my situation is a mixed blessing for several reasons, so I wish Dr P would let go of the past. It sort of feels like he NEEDS me to be okay because he feels like he failed in recognizing the type of cancer (which he didn't) and therefore wasted six months of conservative treatment. It's almost as if Dr P treats me like a daughter and while that may sound good, it's really not, it sort of clouds his judgement on different things. I plan on talking to him about this at our next appointment; I want him to stop feeling responsible, God is in charge of all that occurs in my case and He has been all along. Sometimes science doesn't get it right and while that's very disturbing from a medical standpoint, it's the way it is. My hope comes from knowing that God is above science and nothing happens to me outside of His will. Anyway, now we wait for the path results on the 16th and I am praying for good results this time around!

I'm feeling MUCH better today, I can breath and move which means Dr P did not nick a ureter! Praise God!!!!

Faith like an adult

It seems my faith level is like being on a roller coaster ride, some days I trust God with all my being, other days I totally doubt what He is doing. I want to get off this ride and simply trust...easier said than done though. With my upcoming surgery looming over my head, my faith levels are all over the place and I'm disappointed by that. When will I move out of this adult-like faith to child-like faith? I have so much to learn from kids, they ask for anything and everything and they truly trust God will provide. What is it going to take to stop doubting God? I'm SO thankful God doesn't treat me like I think He should at times, I would be sick of this back and forth faith issues if I were Him! Anyway, I started to get sick on Thursday and I still don't feel all that great which increases my anxiety about surgery tomorrow. This is not how I wanted to go into surgery! It amazes me how quickly my energy levels fail after treatment, I'm being told this is "normal" and I have to give myself more time. Did I mention that I lack patience too? Anyway, I've been spending lots of couch time these last few days and knowing more couch days lay ahead does not thrill me. I'm sick of my couch this year!!!!! I have to remember I chose this route and this won't last forever.
Simply put, I'm afraid that the pathology won't come back clean. I try to prepare myself for the worst possible news but I really can't prepare myself for the "c" word again. I know God is sovereign and will enable me to endure whatever He allows in my path. The struggle comes from the fact that I don't want to do cancer anymore--I don't want to do treatment, I don't want to be sick, and I don't want to feel like a burden to Mark. I think this surgery is such a struggle because I'm giving God parameters and we all know God doesn't do parameters. I'm afraid of what He is going to allow, I'm afraid the rug is going to be pulled out from underneath us again. I know He is a loving God, I know He is good....even if treatment fails He is good. I guess I need to stop trying to solve all the "what ifs" as it's driving me crazy and I'm wasting a good panic as other cancer patients have said. I know trust isn't a feeling, it's a choice. I guess my mantra this week is "I choose to trust--no parameters." Lord, let this prayer go from my head and into my heart!!

Season of thankfulness

Starting in October, I LOVE this season of the year! I'm the person who drives everyone else nuts as Christmas music is on 24/7 as soon as I can get it. I want anything pumpkin, eggnog, and Christmas lights as soon as I can get it. There is a joyfulness about this season of the year that not too much can squelch. So when Mark stumbled across a radio station that was playing Christmas music at the beginning of November, I have been one happy lady! I've had a couple of solicitors call and ask if I really have Christmas music playing in the background already. Yes people, I am a Christmas freak, I fully admit it and I don't care to be anything less! :) I was reflecting the other day about my crazy love of everything Christmas and I didn't always used to be this way. For those that knew me back in high school/college, the holidays were something I dreaded for several reasons. That's a testament to the 180 degree healing God has provided and I'm really thankful for His touch. With Thanksgiving literally around the corner, I've been reflecting on all that God has done for me....especially lately. Of course, family and friends are a given as I'm beyond blessed by the people God has placed in my life. I am SO thankful that I'm not doing chemo or radiation during my favorite season of the year. I'm thankful that God truly protected me during my treatment in ways that I'm continuing to realize. God has been good to me in ways that will probably take years to fully unfold. I'm thankful for my job and ability to work in oncology for however long this season lasts. Sometimes I feel as though I'm getting paid for therapy as I work with others who are in the midst of their treatment, it's a blessing to say the least. I'm thankful for the littlest of things like hair and eyelashes, putting on mascara has a whole new meaning for me. I am incredibly thankful for my new found relationship with Christ. He has been more real to me in this last year than any of the other years combined. I complain about my circumstances a lot (and I'm working on that) but I have a new perspective on God's gift of life to me. I'm in a body that is dealing with the aftermath of treatment BUT I'm still above ground and I'm thankful for that! It's true that health and the breath of life is a gift, not an entitlement. I'm truly blessed beyond measure no matter what my future holds. My prayer lately is that I use my gift wisely, I want God to be proud that He decided to keep me around.
Happy Thanksgiving!

I'm so much like an Israelite

I've been studying Exodus and I find that I can relate to the Israelites. Look at the miraculous things God has done for them and then minutes later see how quickly they take their eyes off of God. They complain and focus on the negatives of their circumstance, fear invades their hearts and minds. You know what else I'm learning, sometimes God leads us into a trial before leading us out of one! I don't like it but it's truth. I think to some God would appear harsh but when you think about God's promise to us to make us more like Him each day, it sort of makes sense to me. God's life on earth was by no means comfortable, why should I expect anything different? If I'm going to be more like Christ, there is a lot of molding, chiseling, and shaping that needs to take place, and the last time I checked, change occurs when I'm uncomfortable. I'm also learning that sometimes our circumstance will become worse before it gets better AND God is still in that circumstance no matter how it feels. It's so easy to say that when bad becomes worse God isn't in those details because why would a loving God allow such a thing. God allows bad to become worse for His greater purpose and to believe anything else will lead to despair. Sometimes I look back at one of my posts and think "I shouldn't have written that" or "that was a moment of weakness I wish I didn't share," but then I'm reminded that I want my blog to be an honest journey. I have days where my faith is strong and I'm just happy to still be alive but I also have days where simply put, I'd rather be in heaven then continue to struggle. These last few days God has been gently reminding me that I need to take my eyes off of my struggles and put them back on Him. He IS in the midst of my circumstances, working behind the scenes and in ways I may never fully understand or see. The hope for me comes from the fact that there is a purpose from my uncomfortabilty. I may never fully see that purpose but just knowing there is one helps me on the really bad days. Life isn't turning out the way I had hoped it would be but life isn't about me and my wishes, it's about what God is doing through me. I hope I learn to resist God less and simply let Him do His thing!
Exodus 14:14
"The Lord will fight for you, and you shall hold your peace."

Torn

I haven't been able to sleep for the last several days and that's WITH my sleeping pills! I didn't go into work today as I don't feel well. There is a huge part of me that wants to call Dr R and start estrogen no matter the risks. This estrogen topic is a daily battle as I want my estrogen back but I don't ever want to hear that my cancer is back. Honestly, I don't want to do any more treatment and I don't think I would consent to any more at this point. If I wasn't married I would simply take the estrogen but there's Mark to think about, if it came back would he be okay with the choices I've made? I think a lot about if the roles where reversed and how I would feel if he was making the same decisions I've been making in this whole ordeal. At times, it would be a very bitter pill and so I give him a lot of credit for hanging in there as well as he has.
I'm very stubborn and don't give up easily but I've got to say I'm getting tired of this battle. I'm tired of doing hard and I hate being trapped in this body lately! I know things could be so much worse...I'm just having one of those days where I hate my circumstance. I hate this new normal!

WooHoo!

I met with Dr R to discuss all my menopause symptoms and I am so glad I sought her out! She told me about her mother's experience with breast cancer and how no physician would give her mom estrogen. We are on the same page when it comes to quality of life issues and so whenever I want estrogen, she will prescribe it! I am SO relieved to know that if I truly need it, I can get it. Now that I know I can have it, I'm still going to try and follow Dr P's rules and find alternative ways to feel better until that one year mark. In the meantime, Dr R is going to put me on a trial of low dose progesterone to see if that helps some of my symptoms. I honestly don't fully understand how this works in relation to menopause and will have to do some research, but I'm willing to give it a try. I'm just excited to try something that MAY help me feel more my age again! Maybe I can permanently get off the sleeping pills. :)

Heard from Dr P's office, my surgery is set for 12/6. I'm really nervous about this surgery in a way I didn't expect, I mean this will be a piece of cake in comparison to the last one. I think I'm afraid that he will find something or the pathology will come back with bad news. When it really counts, my medical tests have failed in one way or another. I'm given hope and then smacked with the reality that what was originally thought to be the case is no longer so. I think it's also a bit scary to have surgery because this truly marks the "end" of treatment for me. I've known this surgery was coming up for months so when chemo ended, I knew there was still one more part to be completed. I'm a bit unsettled about doing this surgery and I'm not entirely sure why. I guess it's time to meditate on my favorite "peace" verses and let scripture wash over my fears and whatever else is going on.
The good news is I received a call today that the Christian cancer support group I inquired about is starting an interest meeting this month, perfect timing! God IS in the details!

One year ago....

A year ago this month, I found out I had cancer. It feels a lot longer than a year as so much has changed! I think back to those first several weeks and I'm so thankful not to be in that same place emotionally or spiritually, it was a dark place. I still don't like this circumstance but I wouldn't change the lessons I've learned or the deepened relationship with God. I can now say that I have completely leaned on God with all kinds of hopeful expectations and while His plans are not my plans, I trust Him and God is good all the time! I have a lot of questions that this side of heaven will never be answered but I'm ok with that....and I never thought I would be. I used to really dislike 1 Peter because it talks a lot about suffering and that everyone will suffer in this lifetime. It's definitely not one of my favorite chapters in the bible but I don't fear suffering as much as I used to. I am not excited about some of the things God allows in my life, BUT I know He will supply me with whatever I need to endure through it. I never thought I would be okay with not having children but Mark and I find we are perfectly content. When the bible says that God knows the desires of our heart, it's true that He either fulfills that desire or gives you peace in the lack of it. I'm finding that my new calling is to love on other people's kids and hopefully to give the parents reprieve. I'm going to church today for training in the nursery and I can't wait to start loving on some babies!
I have SO much to be thankful for in this past year! I'm amazed at the protection God has provided thus far and how quickly treatment went to be honest. I've been working with individuals much younger than me that have cancer and are in the midst of their treatment, and while I don't understand why God allows all that He does, I come away from work seeing that God protected me in a multitude of ways. He truly knows our abilities, limits, and fills in the gap wherever needed. I don't know about you, but I'm thankful God only lets me see one small step at a time rather than see the bigger picture.

Second opinion

When I met with Dr P, we discussed some of my menopause symptoms as I want to feel more like my age. When he told me that "a hot flash never killed anyone," I was angry and told him that only a man would say that! It's not JUST hot flashes that bother me (however, these aren't warm flushes we are talking about, these are suffocating-I-want-out-of-my-skin hot flashes), it's also the insomnia, dry skin, joint paint, fatigue to name a few. Don't get me wrong, I have been very blessed to have Dr P as my oncologist but there are some things in which he lacks. We are struggling with quality of life issues and do not see eye to eye. He doesn't want to prescribe ANY type of estrogen for fear of the possibility of recurrence and has stated several times that he doesn't want to watch me die. I understand that and respect his stance, BUT he doesn't have to live with these daily irritations and can't relate to anything I'm talking about. At the beginning of this whole process we talked a lot about how quality of life is more important to me than quantity, and he promised he would help me have quality if I did the entire treatment. Now that I've completed treatment and have all these issues, I feel a bit betrayed as he simply wants to keep me alive. THAT WASN'T PART OF OUR DEAL! I'm beyond frustrated and angry and there are many days that I wish I never did radiation. I think part of Dr P's struggle is that menopause is something I was going to go through at some point and so what's the big deal if it's a decade or so early. Let me just say that there is a BIG difference between natural menopause and sudden menopause and knowing what I know now, I would do everything possible to avoid sudden menopause. I've done a lot of research to find out how to minimize my symptoms without HRT in order to play by Dr P's rules. I do have to give him credit because he is letting me experiment with an anti-hypertensive (clonidine) and this is outside of his comfort zone. I will say that clonidine drastically cuts down on the amount of hot flashes I have but it really adds to the fatigue, which was my only concern. I'm trying to stick it out to see if my body will adjust to the fatigue factor. In regards to all my other issues, I've called my old gyn (who is a female and in her 40's) to get a second opinion and see what she is willing to do to help. I want some forms of estrogen and I'm getting to the point where it's not negotiable. It is a risk to take estrogen but like I've said all along, I could follow all the rules and my cancer could come back. This is the point where I have to trust God, he is either going to allow my cancer to return or he's not. In the meantime, I want to feel like myself again! I want to feel like I'm in my 30's! I think a lot about Mark and how my decisions impact him....who would want this type of a wife? Please pray for my upcoming discussion with Dr R, and for wisdom for Mark and I as we try to make the best decision for us.

Building my God story one chapter at a time.....

I'm really struggling with this whole menopause journey, I hate it to be perfectly honest! I find myself being angry about it and not sure what to do with the anger. I'm sure Mark feels the blunt of it which is unfair and I hate that aspect and yet struggle to change it. Very few people my own age relate to what I'm going through and so it only adds to my feeling different, which was never a good thing in my family. I feel like I aged overnight, it feels like I've been robbed of over a decade of years in the blink of an eye. When people say I'm being brave or courageous I don't feel that way at all; I feel like a grumbling Israelite as I can see the many ways God has blessed me but I continue to focus on the circumstances I dislike. I know my menopause experience could be so much worse and I am thankful that it's not, but I don't know how to find contentment in this situation. I'm afraid that God is going to get sick of hearing me complain and truly give me something to complain about. That's probably not the healthiest of thoughts but it's the truth. I found myself telling God this morning that this whole journey He has given me is totally unfair, and of course, the pity party was beginning to start. He brought to mind one of my nieces because she had gone through this stage of keeping track of what was fair in her mind. My sister shared the story that one day she told her daughter that tomorrow everything would be fair amongst the two girls and asked if that was truly what she wanted, my niece was pretty excited about the idea of this. It turns out that the next day, my niece's younger sister was having a pretty rough day and in not listening to her mom got stuck in the pantry closet. In the process of getting the youngest sister out of the pantry, some of her hair got pulled out. Lisa went to her other daughter and informed her that she needed to lay down while Lisa pulled out some of her hair in honor of fairness day. She told me that my nieces eyes got big and she decided that sometimes fairness isn't what we want after all. I'm so much like my niece sometimes in wanting fairness but I guess I want things to be fair only on my terms. Thank you for the lesson Mikayla, it changed my outlook this morning!

Music therapy

I'm the kind of person who can find peace, encouragement, and inspiration from music. If you want to know where I'm at in life, take some time to listen to the music I'm listening to because it says a lot. I had ordered Steven Curtis Chapman's new CD "Beauty will rise" several weeks ago and had been anxiously awaiting it's arrival. Wouldn't you know it came the day after I got my CT results, the very day I needed it the most. To say there were tears just doesn't tell the whole story; I felt completely broken, emotionally spent, and honestly, I felt like quitting this whole journey. The CD really spoke to me but especially a couple of the songs chorus:

"Our God is in control"

This is not how it should be/this is not how it could be/but this is how it is/and our God is in control/this is not how it will be/when we finally will see/we'll see with our own eyes/he was always in control/and we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God/and we will finally, really understand what it means/so we'll sing holy, holy, holy is our God/while we're waiting for that day/this is not where we planned to be/when we started this journey/ but this is where we are/ and our God is in control/though this first taste is bitter/there will be sweetness forever/when we finally taste and see/ that our God is in control...

"Beauty will rise"

Out of these ashes/beauty will rise/and we will dance among the ruins/we will see it with our own eyes/out of the ashes/beauty will rise/for we know joy is coming in the morning/ in the morning/ beauty will rise/ so take another breath for now/and let the tears come washing down....I can almost feel the hand of God/reaching for my face to wipe the tears away/and say it's time to make everything new/make it all new/this is our hope/this is the promise...

Results

Met with Dr P and our belief is that the CT results are good, however, as has been the history for me throughout this whole ordeal there is a discrepancy. When Dr P told me that my lung nodule has been stable for the last two years I was quite surprised as I have never been aware of a nodule period! I'm the kind of person that gets a copy of just about every test I have so I would be aware if one of my previous tests had said I had a nodule. I left the office feeling unsettled, like something is wrong and I should investigate further. The next day, while looking at the previous CT report the radiologists are comparing my new CT report with I found that the old report never mentions a lung nodule, it clearly states the lungs are clear. This means that either the radiologist from 2008 either completely missed a nodule (and we are not exactly talking about a small nodule) or this is something new. This discovery has led to lots of tears and trying to figure out where to go from this point forward. If this is a new nodule it would most likely mean that treatment has not worked and my cancer has continued to spread in spite of aggressive treatment, if it's truly a stable nodule then it looks like treatment has worked so far. It's quite the opposite end of the spectrum! This has really made me evaluate what I am willing to do in regards to further treatment if that would ever be needed. I called Dr P's office and they have stated that they would further investigate this discrepancy and I'm thinking I will leave it at that for now. Honestly, I don't want to do any further treatments at this point and I feel pretty good, so I'd rather leave things the way they are for now. I will say that these sort of discrepancies are only adding to the fact that I don't trust medical tests anymore. I'm starting to feel like we should base my treatment plan on how I feel and not on what some test says as they are fallible. Anyway, for now we are accepting this news as good news. Thank you for all the prayers, we appreciate it more than you can imagine!

And so it begins....

I had my first CT scan today since the end of treatment to see whether or not treatment worked. I've had several CT scans with contrast so I'm used to that part, but I've not had to drink the barium before. I've given barium to patients but never personally experienced it and wasn't exactly looking forward to it as I've never heard anything good about the taste. Mine was "vanilla smoothie" flavored and let me tell you there is nothing smoothie about it, but it wasn't as bad as I had prepared myself. As I was waiting for my test, multiple traumas came in which meant I was understandably bumped down on the list. I can't tell you how many times this sort of thing has happened to me, I'm like the trauma magnet. It was well known that when I was working nights in CCU if this particular nurse and I were on the same shift, the crash carts needed to be loaded and ready to go! :) Anyway, aside from saying a quick prayer for those hurt, I was determined to have this test in proper time because I was not going to drink that barium again! It all worked out and the test itself didn't take long. Overall, I went into this test with my fears in check and simply wanted to get it done. However, there was a brief moment while I was in the scan that the panicked flood of "what ifs" came but Colossions 3:15 stopped the flow ("Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart"). As I was driving home I continued to keep my thoughts in check and reminded myself that whatever happens from this point forward is in God's hands. I can't control what type of test results I get and so worrying about it for a week (that's when I'll get the results) isn't going to do me any good. That's not to say that I don't think about the test anymore, it's in the back of my mind all the time but I'm getting on with life while I wait. Basically, the reason for this post is to say that capturing your thoughts and aligning them up to God's word really does work. I'm not totally stressed out or filled with anxiety, there is peace about whatever comes. I haven't mastered this whole faith and peace journey but this control freak is doing better than expected so far!

Dravecky's

Today has been one of those days where there is underlying anxiety about the future. Lately, I've been praying that I would see God in practical ways because quite frankly, I just need it right now. I've lost most of my eyebrows and I continue to lose my eyelashes and the hope is that in a week or two I will start to regrow hair, mainly my eyelashes back. However, with each hope is an underlying fear that I'm continually battling; this is truly teaching me to capture each thought in a whole new way. In regards to my eyelashes/hair, the underlying fear is that I will have to be on some type of chemo for the rest of my life which would mean I would permanently kiss hair goodbye. It's little thoughts like these that creep into my everyday activity making me on guard to hope for or become attached to much. I don't like living this way and I don't think God wants me to live in fear for the rest of my life. At one point during the day, the doorbell rang and I found a box sitting on the doorstep. It's a box from the Dravecky's filled with Christian cancer encouragement type of materials and it came at the perfect time. While searching for a Christian support group a woman told me all about the Dravecky's and passed my name on to their ministry team. Dave Dravecky is a former San Francisco Giants pitcher until he lost his pitching arm due to cancer. He and his wife Jan live in the Springs, and have turned their cancer journey into a ministry helping other individuals find hope and encouragement. Anyone who knows Mark knows just how much he loves baseball, and so what a blessing to have a former pro baseball player who has walked through this type of journey help us out. Is God good or what! Romans 15:13 got my attention today in a way it has never before: "May the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace as you trust in him, so that you may overflow with hope by the power of the Holy Spirit." That is the perfect prayer for me right now!

I know we will endure hardships in this lifetime and so I highly recommend the book "Choosing to SEE" by Mary Beth Chapman. This is Steven Curtis Chapman's wife whose five year old daughter was accidentally run over by their teenage son in 2008. Talk about profound tragedy! However, the books focus isn't simply on their family's personal tragedy, it's on Mary Beth's plans/dreams/hopes and how God had totally different plans/dreams/hopes for her and how she has wrestled with God through it all. It's been so refreshing for me to hear another Christian person say their circumstance absolutely sucks in so many words and yet they continue to forge forward in faith, trusting that God is working it all out for good. As Mary Beth Chapman says, "God has asked me to do hard." I totally relate to her on many levels as I wish God would completely change my circumstance but since He's not, I'll do hard too.

Marriage mentors

I was very hesitant to bring the topic of my marriage to my blog as I want to be fair to Mark as there are three sides to every story: his, mine, and the truth somewhere in the middle. However, I'm glad that I did because my cancer has definitely affected and still affects our marriage and I want to be very honest in this journey. Mark and I met with our wonderful marriage mentors who we started seeing several months before my diagnosis, but stopped seeing them while I was going through treatment. They are a wonderful couple who head up Marriage Getaways through The Navigators. When I first heard they were from The Navigators I felt like God had given us "the big guns" so to speak to have them be our mentors and walk us through our marriage ups and downs. Finally meeting with them again after almost a year of doing marriage mostly on our own was refreshing and gives me a lot of hope. Mark and I haven't been communicating all that well lately, we have been assuming what the other is thinking and feeling and we all know how that turns out. What was surprising to learn is that we have both been detaching from one another lately out of fear of my treatment not working. Mark has been trying to prepare himself for possible loss and so building walls. I feel like a burden to him and have been thinking if treatment doesn't work, I don't want it to be a long, drawn out process. I would want him to be able to remarry and get on with life as soon as possible. Obviously, both of our methods do not create closeness and it's not God-honoring either. It was brought to our attention that we should really plug into a Christian cancer support group and while that probably seems obvious, it's not been high on my priority list. I know they are out there (and I've always advised my patients to go) but I figured now that treatment is officially over, I would put more energy into moving forward with life. However, it's hard to move forward some days with all the fears and the unknowns that only another person with cancer can truly understand. Needless to say, we are going to get plugged into a support group and hopefully that will help us sort through all of these "normal" cancer conflicts a couple experiences. We took a Christian-based personality test which to no surprise shows we have some major differences. I'm a lion-beaver and Mark is a golden retriever-beaver-lion, I'm a take charge kind of person and Mark wants to keep the peace with everyone. I find it humorous that sometimes it's the differences in each other that are really attractive during the dating days and then they can turn into annoyances after marriage. We are in that process of learning to embrace each others differences as many times Mark's strengths fit perfectly with my weaknesses and vice versa. Most days I can completely see why God fit us together, we truly make each other whole when together. Anyway, it feels good to know we are back on the path of working together through this journey as I'm sure God has big plans for our marriage BECAUSE of the cancer. I don't know what those plans are at this point, I just know God promises that good will come from this cancer experience.

In between stage....

I'm in that weird stage where I've completed treatment (God-willing hopefully forever) and waiting to see if any of it worked. Talk about God working in the area of patience! I want to know right now whether I've completed this cancer journey or if this is something I will be dealing with for the rest of my life. It makes a difference and I'm finding that until I know the answer, I don't want to get too attached to anything lately. None of us are guaranteed the next day and we are supposed to live like this is our last but for a control freak like me, I'm finding this stage hard. It's a bizarre place to be because for the last year I've been told what the next step will be and my schedule has pretty much been determined for me. Now, I'm trying to get back to some sort of "normal" and yet I can't fall back into my life prior to cancer because too much has changed.....and I wouldn't want to go back to the way it was because then I wouldn't have learned anything from this circumstance. So I'm in a state of unknowns and I don't like it! I'm also starting to process all that has happened this year and having a difficult time with it. I thought I was done processing stuff when I dealt with the loss of not being able to have kids, and so I have been taken off guard that there is more to process. I guess I figured I was dealing with things while going through treatment but the truth is I was simply getting through treatment.
To top it off, things at home have been rather tense. I've given a lot of thought about whether or not to include the topic of my marriage in my blog. I could sugar coat everything but that wouldn't be the truth and the older I get, the more I despise wearing masks. We had our issues prior to cancer and I think we have only added to them this past year as almost everything was placed on hold. Trying to simply survive as the next wave hit us has definitely taken it's toll. I feel like I'm being sifted by Satan lately, I'm tired and emotionally spent. I think during seasons of trials a marriage either grows closer together or you grow further apart. As a Christian I would love to say we have definitely grown closer together, giving God all the glory but unfortunately, we are two sinful, stubborn people. Marriage is difficult under the best of circumstances and we have been living in the perfect storm for disaster. I know Satan has come for our marriage and would like nothing more for it to completely fall apart and while we aren't at that point, there is SO much to work through. I write all of this because I just don't have it in me to tackle one more problem at the moment. I'm very stubborn and can withstand a lot but I'm saying uncle these days. I'll be the first to admit that I'm not easy to live with and I have many faults and many areas that need work. I recognize the areas that need to change and yet I'm so overwhelmed by everything lately that the doing part just isn't happening. It feels like I'm constantly failing in one area or another, I might take a step forward but I'm taking many more backwards these days. In spite of all of this, I know God is at work.....and I'm clinging to the promise that good WILL come from all of this!

Working with cancer patients

I'm getting back into work and have found myself in the area of oncology. Honestly, I would never have chosen this area but God has placed me here for now as my body heals from everything. My passion is ICU and I WANT to get back to it as soon as I can but I know that right now, I wouldn't be able to keep up with that pace or level of stress. For the next couple of months I'll be working in radiation oncology...does God has a sense of humor or what! Remember which part of my treatment I hated/feared the most, now I'm working there! It's actually going better than I expected and my coworkers are wonderful. I love the moments where I'm able to advise patients based on my own radiation experience and hope it truly helps improve their own journey. What I find difficult about working in oncology is the moments that I'm reminded how rare, aggressive, and difficult my type of cancer is to treat. It's those moments that fear creeps in and really goes wild, and at times it's very hard to keep it all in check. I know that God is in control of everything but my fear stems from will he allow my cancer to return or not respond to treatment? We did such an aggressive treatment that if it doesn't work, I will require some type of lifelong treatment until one day, the cancer wins. I'm not sure I'm willing to do treatment for the rest of my life either. I'm not afraid to die because I know exactly where I'll go and who doesn't want that, I'm more afraid of the dying process as cancer can be very painful despite all the drugs we have available to us. And I worry about those that I will leave behind.....what will happen to their own faith, how will they do, those kind of things. People always ask me if it's too soon to work in oncology and I don't know, it's where God placed me for now so I haven't given it much thought. We shall see what comes from this experience.

What do you believe?

Lately, I've been feeling like I'm living in a pressure cooker and have been growing more and more on edge. I'm desperate for a respite from this season of life as it could be summed up with one word...Trial with a capital T. Have you ever noticed that when you are going through a trial, the most important question you could ask yourself is "what do I believe about God?" because this is the framework from which you will move through that trial. Trials also have a way of separating heart knowledge and head knowledge because in a difficult circumstance we often lean on the heart knowledge stuff. I know what God promises and I know His character but what do I really believe at heart level, that's been somewhat sobering to learn there is a discrepancy between the two. I know that my works won't save me, but for some reason I struggle with believing that my suffering/uncomfortability/loss will be less if I follow God's commands. Head knowledge tells me this isn't true but my heart believes it and so I'm finding that's really the way I tend to live. And so it's no surprise why I'm sometimes disappointed and disillusioned by what God allows in my path, my expectations are incorrect to begin with. How do I align my head and heart knowledge? I'm not sure, I'm still on this journey taking it one small step at a time.

On a totally different note, I just want to say I've got the best sister out there! I had quite the freak out last night over a variety of issues and my sister always has this calming, truth-telling way about her. She's my older sister and I've always wanted to be just like her and I find that doesn't change much the older we get, it's the reasons why I want to be like her that change. My sister is such a Godly woman, she has SO many of the Proverbs 31 woman characteristics, plus, she's just crazy fun to be around. I think on some level we all want to be understood and my sister gets me....and loves me anyway. Thanks for your help Lisa, you always help me see truth from lie as we capture my thoughts and I'm forever grateful.

My last week of chemo....

This is the last week that the chemo will be working in my body killing all rapidly dividing cells (both good or bad). I'm starting to get excited about this because I don't have to go back for more at this point and God willing ever again. I'm starting to think about my hair growing back as it already has been doing so, although, you would have to be up close to see it at this point. I get to start all over and think about what kind of hair style do I want, it's starting to become exciting for me. It's a myth that chemo causes your hair to fall out at the same time, it all depends on where each hair follicle is at and I've got many that are outlasting this last three cycles of chemo. Hence, I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes which I'm VERY thankful for and praise God each time I put mascara on. I'm learning to celebrate the little things in life which is a good thing I suppose. I'm starting to let post-cancer thoughts enter which is a bit odd because it feels like forever since I thought about non-cancer stuff. While there are a ton of fears under the surface, I'm clinging to God's promises and most days keeping them in check. I'm sure I'll have my freak out moments but trying to keep those to a minimum.
So the plan is as follows: another blood test this week as my liver is showing it's irritated and that's normal, and to check my blood sugars as I've been in the 40's-50's consistently although I seem to function pretty well with low blood sugars. Then in a month I will have a chest/abdomen/pelvic CT to see if any cancer cells are starting to regrow. I have to be honest, I was a bit taken aback when they said I would have a chest CT as I expected the other part. It's bothersome to me because I know they are looking to see if any cancer cells pop up in the lungs. Sometimes this whole ordeal still doesn't feel real to me, until I go through some tests or the doctor says something that snaps me back into reality. I had a cancer cell in the lymph node so this could have traveled anywhere...and hopefully it's eradicated now. Then it's surgery in December to take out that remaining ovary and take one last look at everything. Then I will celebrate as I hope it's just maintenance checks from that point forward. Here's my take-away about God from my cancer journey so far--God is good all the time, He has a plan and purpose for everything we go through. I really doubted God's goodness prior to cancer, I wasn't sure He could be trusted. I'm not perfect in the trusting department but my faith muscles have really grown since my diagnosis. What I once thought had the potential to break my relationship with God has actually strengthened it and made God very real to me today. So, believe it not, good things can come from cancer. I was talking with another Christian women at the beginning of her cancer journey and we were talking about how there are certain "gifts" you get from this diagnosis. Your perspective changes, you realize how fragile life is, how big God is, how important time and people become just to name a few. Only those that stare death in the face get these gifts and it's quite a blessing.

Illness

It's been a time of illness and stress in our household and I'm in need of calm for a bit. It seems as though one trial ends and another begins and I've been feeling a huge need to simply get away from it all lately. Jez has once again become sick, vomiting and lethargic to the point that I knew she needed IV hydration. This is the dog that had an aggressive cancer a year ago and so whenever she is sick our thoughts always return to the "C" word. Is it time, is it back, do we need to put her down? I've heard people say that God teaches them all kinds of lessons through their kids...well lately, it seems that God has been teaching me things through my four-legged kids. I find a lot of encouragement through Jez because so far she is beating the odds and I like the thought of that. It tends to encourage me to think that maybe I too can beat the odds and do better than anyone expected. Not that my oncologist thinks I will do badly, it's more that I'm in unknown territory on so many levels so everyone is watching to see what happens. That's not a very comforting place to be as the patient sometimes...and especially in regards to cancer! I look at Jez and am reminded of God's grace and mercy. I see how loving and kind He can be and if He can be that way towards a dog, surely there's so much more for me. I'm really starting to see that being good doesn't mean it's going to feel good, those are two totally separate subjects. Sometimes God allows circumstances to occur in our lives that absolutely don't feel good but they are for our good in the long run or preparing us for something else ahead. I think I've spent most of my life equating God's goodness to my feeling comfortable and I'm starting to get that God is good all the time...even when life sucks. Anyway, we have done the appropriate tests to see if Jez's cancer has returned and so far it doesn't look as though it has which is fantastic, BUT she won't eat much lately. It's so frustrating as I've tried just about everything to get her to eat. This dog has always loved the outdoors and walks and so it's been a struggle for me as she wants to go for walks, yet she's hardly eating. I don't want her to miss out and yet it's not wise for her to walk with us at this point. So, I must confess that we have become "those" people as I bought a pet stroller the other day. Mark HATES it when I say we are "those" people because he thinks this whole thing is ridiculous and I feel quite foolish to be honest pushing my DOG in a stroller, but she absolutely loved it the other night. Jokingly, a year ago I saw this pet stroller in a dog magazine and I told Mark that's what we should get for our aging dogs. I never actually thought I would get one as I used to make fun of people that would do these types of things. It's a bit ironic as things have come full circle. I'll post a picture at some point when I can get past the embarrassment myself. :) Anyway, I'm praying for wisdom as to what I should do for Jez, I don't want to give up on her prematurely. There are no tests to say that it's time to euthanize her and yet she's not quite acting like herself. Maybe God is preparing me for the moment that we do need to euthanize....it's hard to say but I wish this emotional roller coaster would be over. I know she's just a dog but she means a great deal more than that to me--she's my four-legged kid.

Codes and billing chaos

I just have to vent my frustrations at the billing aspect of illness. I was writing a check to an ambulance company when I started wondering why my insurance company (which is very good) did not pay this bill. After several phone calls to both my insurance and the ambulance company it turns out that the ambulance company billed using three vague codes and so they must resubmit an itemized bill to my insurance company. Theoretically, we shouldn't have to pay a dime of this rather large bill if everything is submitted correctly. This is where my frustration begins, I shouldn't have to go over every claim with a fine tooth comb to make sure things are billed correctly. It really angers me that in the meantime, the answer is to bill the patient and if the patient pays, no one corrects these errors. Anyone care to guess what cancer costs these days? Lets just say it's a major expense and so I'm VERY VERY thankful for our insurance! Thankfully I'm not the shy, submissive patient, I question anything that doesn't make sense to me. But what about the shy, submissive patient, they probably pay way more than they ever should because of others careless errors. That makes me angry! I have enough to worry about in simply trying to get better, I shouldn't have to be my own accountant too! I've heard so many patients say that they need a secretary to keep all the paperwork straight and to pay the bills on time because that area carries its own stressor into the equation. I now have a much greater understanding of what they are talking about. Usually stubbornness is not a character trait we strive for but sometimes it can be a good thing. Today it may have payed off! :)

The last chemo

Well, I hope this is the last chemo I will ever have to do! I had increased my L-glutamine after the 5th cycle as the neuropathy was becoming bothersome and that seemed to help a great deal. Dr P and I decided to remain with the same chemo drugs for this last cycle and hope for the best neuropathy-wise. It actually went quite smoothly and I would say this last cycle could be summed up with the word exhausted. The neulasta shot barely made me feel bad this time around which honestly is a bit scary because it means overall that my body is too worn out to respond like it did in the beginning. I'm just hoping my blood counts hold up as they were low last time and I'm not willing to get a blood transfusion at this point. I've again increased my L-glutamine to the maximum amount because a day or two into this cycle the neuropathy was becoming even more bothersome and so far it has helped. I'm praying the neuropathy is temporary and time will let me know if this is permanent or not.
I haven't given the end of treatment a whole lot of thought in part because it's not over to me just yet. I've got another surgery in December to take out that remaining ovary and then it will feel more like I'm truly done. Maybe it's hard for others to understand but I can't get in the mind frame of "I'm done" until I'm a year or two out without any occurrences. I think it would be too devastating if I become too hopeful too soon. I'm guarded in my excitement and in my hope for the future. To be honest, I'm really trying to learn to be content with the here and now and to stop worrying so much about the future. I spend so much time and energy thinking about the next several steps ahead that I don't truly appreciate the things that are occurring at this moment. I want to be more like Paul in the bible, I want to be content with my situation no matter what that is... and that's hard for me.
I have to mention that so far I still have some eyebrows and eyelashes, thank you God! I hope I can keep them until everything starts to grow back, you tend to not look sick with eyebrows and eyelashes. :) I can't wait for my hair to grow back too because while I love not having to style my hair, wigs are quite hot when I'm having a hot flash! As soon as this chemo is out of my system, I'm going to experiment with herbs to see what works best for taming all the menopause symptoms. Dr P has made it very clear to me that I can't have hormones for at least a year and then we can re-talk about it all. I've been busy researching what might help hot flashes and insomnia since those are my biggest issues for now.

It's hard to articulate all that God has done for me since I started this journey. I have done VERY well through radiation and chemo and I have to give all the credit to God. He has truly protected me in so many ways! I know I have complained my way through treatment where I probably should have talked more about the ways God was helping me...what can I say, I'm flawed in many ways. As I look back from the very start of all of this, I can see God's hand over me. When I thought he was absent, I can now see just how close He was. I'm so thankful God is merciful and patient as I didn't handle things well in the very beginning of my diagnosis. God IS good all the time, even when I don't see or understand what He is doing.

The Bible alive.....

Character formation almost never comes easily, it's an uncomfortable and sometimes painful process. It's unfortunate that sometimes we don't press in to know God until a trials hits us head on and then the Bible and God becomes real in a whole new way. As Christians, sometimes we pray to know God better or for Him to take full control of our lives but do we really mean it or are we praying lip service? I've had a relationship with God for many years but I'm getting to know Him in a whole new and personal way this year. My faith was tried right after I was diagnosed with cancer and for a time, I honestly didn't know if I would get through this trial with my faith intact. I've been learning how some of my views and attitudes towards God are incorrect and through my cancer journey, God is slowly correcting those areas. In a trial we face our weakness head-on, sometimes that's the first opportunity to acknowledge the weakness, either way it's a humbling experience. It's no secret that one of my biggest struggles is in the area of trust, people are fallible, it's harder to admit that I struggle with trusting God. I know He is perfect and sovereign in my mind but the struggle is at heart level. As treatment comes to a close I'm cautiously happy, thrilled that I'm almost done with chemo, shots, and feeling crappy, cautious as we begin the waiting game to see if all of this has worked. I'm about to put faith to the test in a whole new way and that's both exciting and scary. I have a ton of fears that require time in the Word and with God to keep in check because I don't want to live in fear. I've been studying Psalm 25 lately which is a great passage in regards to trust and faith. I continue to see God move in spite of and especially within my fears, I KNOW He is close at all times and when I let that sink in, there is peace. I so hope I only have to walk this cancer journey once but I'm trying to trust that it's all in God's hands and He will do whatever is best for Mark and myself. Also, as treatment comes to a close, I really hope I'm not the same person that went into treatment. I hope I've allowed God to change me and that I'm truly living out the lessons I've been learning. It would be horrible to have cancer and be the exact same person at the end of this ordeal, I would have wasted an opportunity!

Psalm 27:1, 14
"The Lord is my light and my salvation-whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life-of whom shall I be afraid? Wait for the Lord; be strong and take heart and wait for the Lord."

Another addition

Our house has been very crazy lately as we added another puppy into the mix. I know it sounds crazy but Jackson wanted to play with our older dogs so badly and they want nothing to do with him, he needed a playmate. Cole has totally filled that void for Jackson and he helps me a great deal in the potty training department too. Needless to say, two puppies and two adult dogs equals a chaotic household. I'm finding that God is using this whole puppy training process to teach me a few things too, patience is one of those things. I dislike the learning process, I want to be patient and have all the Godly characteristics that I'm supposed to have right now. It seems the whole learning process is painful or uncomfortable at the least but I suppose I'll appreciate my lessons all the more when this is over. Everything important in life costs something.

My fifth chemo cycle went pretty well overall, it's somewhat of a blur to me as I was trying to make it through the day with Jackson alone as Mark has returned back to school. I've been slowly getting peripheral neuropathy which for me means some pins and needle type of feeling to my hands and feet but mostly, I'm experiencing a burning sensation in my hands and feet. This is not unusual as chemo tends to irritate nerve cells too, sometimes the neuropathy is temporary and sometimes it's permanent. I let Dr P's office know that this is progressively getting worse and they are thinking about switching one of my chemo drugs next time. The down side to this is that I would have to take a steroid for three days either prior to or after chemo ( I can't remember which) to offset swelling among other side effects from this new chemo drug. I'm not all that excited to take a new chemo and go through a whole new set of unknowns at this point but I don't want permanent neuropathy either. For now, I'm doubling my L-glutamine and praying that the neuropathy either improves or at the very least doesn't continue to progress at this point. I'll talk with Dr P more next week about my chemo options at this point and praying we both have the wisdom needed to make the best decision. I can't wait to be done with all of this!

Jackson

It's hard to believe I have chemo again on Monday, the time has flown! I've really enjoyed working at the Breast Care Center, things settled emotionally just when I needed them to. I shared a small part of my story with a few patients that I felt needed to know I truly understand what they are going through and they seemed to relax instantly. There is no replacement for talking with others who are on a similar journey as yourself. One patient actually ministered to me as her faith was incredible and her attitude was "why not me?" I hope I helped those I came in contact with these last couple of weeks. If anything else, it simply felt good to pray over my patients who were about to get the type of news you never want to hear. Their worlds will never be the same from that point forward and that's not necessarily a bad thing. Also, I've found one of the bonuses to working during our heat wave this summer is air conditioning, makes the hot flashes more manageable.

I'm managing the insomnia so far with ativan which really is a temporary fix, I'm just thankful to get some sleep even though I hate taking a drug to do it! I plan to revisit this issue on Monday with Dr P's PA, hopefully, we can develop a long-term plan. Part of my lack of sleep now is due to the new addition to our family, Jackson. The timing of getting a puppy and purposely adding new stresses is crazy and I don't normally make rash decisions like this. Mark and I have discussed why get a puppy now of all times as Jackson has turned our lives upside down yet again (although he is worth it). I can't seem to shake the feeling that this treament won't work, I'm praying this isn't the case but it's a real possibility. So part of me feels like doing the things I truly enjoy while I can and animals are like therapy to me. I think another reason we got Jackson at this insane time in our lives is because I'm at that point where I'm SO ready for treatment to be over. I'm tired of being poked and prodded, I'm tired of going to the hospital as a patient, I'm tired of being tired, and I'm especially worn out from all the unknowns. I've been told the way I feel lately about treatment is very normal, most people are beyond ready to be done when they are close to the end of treatment. That's reassuring! A puppy is very time consuming and gives me a whole new immediate purpose as we try to get him potty trained among other things. :) The focus is off of me and my whole cancer ordeal and gets put on Jackson and helping Grace and Jez accept this new part of the family. It's nice to not think about cancer stuff so much lately, even if part of that is because I'm so exhausted and busy each day. I hope the girls start to accept Jackson, it makes it even more difficult when we are trying to make sure he doesn't get attacked! I love having a puppy around though, wish they could stay this size but with act like an adult dog forever.

Insomnia

I'm struggling a bit emotionally with this job as I'm working closely with newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. Many of these patients are told seconds before I start to work with them and it's difficult to watch them try to absorb all that they have been told. It's still a bit too personal for me at times. My heart goes out to all of them but those close to my age or younger than me is especially difficult, I'm having a hard time keeping the distance that is needed to do a good job. I sat in on a tumor board today where all the physicians and head nurses that work with these patients get together to discuss certain cases and brainstorm to make sure they are offering them the best care possible. I was doing fine until they started to discuss a 28 year old whose breast cancer story had lots of similarities to my own. As they discussed that she should never become pregnant (her cancer is estrogen sensitive meaning estrogen feeds the cancer) and that she needed to start a medication asap that would put her into menopause, I was fighting back tears. There are several issues to her case that baffle the doctors that they honestly don't know what her prognosis will be. I found myself wondering if my case sparked many of the same discussions among the tumor board that reviewed my case. It was very eye opening for me and I have new questions for Dr P and I want the blunt answers. Don't get me wrong, I'm very thankful for this opportunity, it's just an adjustment emotionally as I try to create a little bit of distance so I can help each patients cancer journey get off to a good start. Next week I'm totally on my own, so I really hope to pull all my emotions together by then!

I am REALLY starting to struggle with this whole menopause deal. I'm starting to question whether or not I can do this without hormones and I want some straight answers as to my risks should I take them. The hot flashes are very unpleasant but I can deal with that for now, it's the insomnia that's getting to me big time. It takes me forever to fall asleep no matter how tired I am and then I'm up every hour after that. I'm wired at night and the night sweats don't help. It's worrisome to me because I know just how important sleep is to the immune system, let alone the whole healing process. How can my body try to heal from all that has been done to it lately, let alone fight off things I'm being exposed to if I don't sleep? I'm starting to lose it mentally and emotionally because of this chronic lack of sleep and that's not good. It's only a matter of time before I start making poor decisions! I'm calling Dr P's office tomorrow to see what my options are at this point; I'm a minimalist when it comes to taking meds so I'm not sure what to do at this point. I've tried benadryl but that is no longer working and I don't want to wake up in the morning feeling groggy as so many other meds tend to do. I don't know, part of me feels like telling Dr P I'm done with menopause, give me back some estrogen and I'll accept whatever risk comes with it. Going into menopause at 32 is NOT normal and going into it in a matter of weeks is also abnormal. In some ways I feel betrayed as Dr P promised I would get through this with a good quality of life....this is not the quality of life that I want! I'm angry with the way things are going lately and yet I know God has blessed me in many other ways, it's hard to keep a balanced view point lately.

Room for growth

I'm finding that it takes me a bit longer to recover from chemo and not sure if that's just the way things go, or a combo of the heat and menopause issues. The neulasta shot wasn't too bad this time with the 24hr claritin, makes a noticeable difference. The other blessing to this cycle is that I kept my taste throughout, no more metallic tastes...thanks for the med change Dr P! The bad news is that I'm in full on menopause and overall it isn't too bad BUT I'm not sleeping well at all anymore. I'm hoping this has more to do with our recent heatwave otherwise, I'm going to need some hormones as soon as I've completed treatment. I've always been a good sleeper and I want to stay that way!


It's been a humbling day today, ever feel like you are growing in a certain area and then something pops up and your reaction proves you have lots more room for growth? I freaked out over something ridiculous and reacted quite badly towards Mark. I am SO thankful God has given me a very patient husband who was able to look beyond my surface reaction to the core of the issue. I've been letting stress and fear build to the point that it's getting in the way of who I know God to be. Suddenly God becomes quite small and my circumstances, unknowns, fears etc. become much bigger which doesn't help me be the kind of person I'm called to be.
The hospital called and asked me to work in the Breast Care Center for the next two weeks with newly diagnosed breast cancer patients. This is a huge blessing as they are taking into account my needs at this time and the fact that I can't work 12hr shifts yet, plus I won't have the same type of patient contact, which is good while I don't have an immune system. However, I haven't worked a 40hr work week since Feb and I'm a bit nervous that I won't have the endurance for this job. I would rather fail than not try it at this point, but I don't want to disappoint anyone as there is no back-up for this position. I think I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself to work as I feel guilty for being such a financial drain. I know Mark doesn't feel this way but it still bothers me a great deal. I'm growing more and more anxious as treatment comes to a close because I'm afraid there is more bad news ahead. I guess if I'm honest, I have an unsettling feeling about this last portion of treatment, like something is going to go wrong and I'm not sure where this is coming from. I'm also afraid that I will complete treatment only to find out that it didn't work, that I've got to live with cancer and chemo for the rest of my life. These thoughts can be overwhelming at times, I desperately need this cancer ordeal to end with my last treatment in August. So all this stuff came to the surface today with my freak out and I hope sharing it all with Mark doesn't burden him. I know he has been carrying a lot since my cancer diagnosis too. He reminded me that all we can do is live in the present, the future will unfold exactly how it is supposed to and as always, God will give us exactly what we need when we need it. I know he is right, I guess I need to spend more time reminding myself of who God is and that alone should keep some of my fears in check. I find it interesting how often God uses Mark to teach me things. I'm thankful Mark is on this journey with me and hopefully my actions will show him that more often.

Chemo day 1&2, cycle 4

Day 1
I went into chemo much more relaxed this time around, that's the bonus to already knowing what to expect. My nurse was the same nurse I had when Lisa was visiting and she doesn't have the best/safest techniques so I was a bit on edge. Again, she did not wipe of the hubs with alcohol prior to injecting meds which is a huge break in clean technique! I was prepared to ask her to please use alcohol but it all happened so fast that I didn't have time, so I simply prayed for protection. If she is my nurse these next two times I have a plan to make sure she wipes off the hubs prior to using them! Anyway, chemo went quite well with the only difference being that I was quite exhausted right from the start this time around and tried to sleep for most of the infusions. My hot flashes added an additional challenge but overall things went very well. Dr P has taken one of the drugs off the cocktail as he is finding it really doesn't have the protective properties as once thought and is full of additional unwanted side effects. To be honest, I was a bit nervous they weren't giving me this drug but tried to trust that Dr P knows best on this one. It made quite a difference not getting that drug, I had no nausea and I'm finding that my taste buds have not been altered this time around. I always assumed my tastes changed with the carboplatin but it was the cocktail prior to chemo that was causing this unwanted side effect. This is a wonderful blessing as I wasn't sure how I was going to stay properly hydrated these next five days when water is crucial. With the first three cycles I ate lots of soup which helped me in the fluid department but it's just too hot for soup now, so I was a bit concerned. I love positive surprises like this one! I came home from chemo and slept a bit which was annoying as I feel like I've been living on the couch lately. However, I was able to cook dinner and take the dogs for a walk, so I can't complain too much.

Day 2
I love the steroids given in the cocktail yesterday as this is my best day after chemo, LOTS of energy. This is the day I do all the things most important to me as I know that by tonight I will crash and the steroids will be gone. I'm so happy to report that I still have my taste buds, it is such a wonderful surprise! I'm really trying to drink the prescribed amount of water and so far I'm doing ok. I associate water with chemo and radiation and it's just something I don't care to drink anymore unless it's super hot or I've worked out. I'm hoping when this is all over that association will go away, that and my love for graham crackers will return as chemo ruined that too. I'll be getting the Neulasta shot later this afternoon and hopefully I won't feel too badly afterwards as I've been taking the claritin. I'm really going to try and not complain about this shot as it does keep me out of the hospital and keeps my blood counts up, it's worth it! In about 14 days I will start losing my hair again and I'm actually looking forward to this a bit as it will mean a break from shaving. I've been shaving my head throughout radiation so I can't wait to stop doing that. I'm not looking forward to losing my eyelashes and eyebrows again and hoping they hold out for the longest time.
I'm still amazed at all the things I've been able to do throughout treatment, my perspective on cancer has greatly changed and for the better. Living with cancer is doable, I wouldn't ever choose to do this but it's good to know life doesn't have to stop.

Mark got a hair cut today and it is super short! Because he is a blonde it almost looks like he shaved his head to match mine. I'll have to take pics of our matching baldness as his will grow back much faster than mine. :)

Update

My appointment with Dr P didn't answer the many questions I had as neither one of us know why the leg pain. He was more concerned with the fevers but I'm fairly confident that stems from the buffet, either way I was placed on an antibiotic so I'm covered. I asked him several questions about the likelyhood that my cancer could have metastasized to the bone and he really feels that is not the case for me. Papillary serous has a tendency to travel to the organs within the body, not the bone, and he stated that even if it did travel to the bone, I'm on the exact treatment for it. I'm about 98% comfortable with his answers and for now, not going to worry about this as I'm doing so much better overall.
I'm finding that ever since being sick, I'm exhausted a lot of the time and that bothers me. It seems as though I haven't fully come back from being sick and I'm somewhat worried chemo will wipe out the little reserve I have. However, I did not do so well with the antibiotic as it caused insomnia, so I'm sure that's a factor in everything. I'm very thankful to be done with that darn medication! Overall though, I'm much less anxious to go into chemo as there aren't quite as many unknowns and I find this part easier than radiation. If I can do radiation, I can do anything!

What a Fourth!

Mark and I finally celebrated the end of radiation with a meal at Souper Salad and I thoroughly enjoyed it! The next morning I woke up with fever, chills, and whole body aches, it felt like I'd been given a Neulasta shot without the claritin. I wasn't too concerned at first because I've always had a good immune system and figured I'd had enough weeks off from chemo that a good portion of it would help me bounce back quickly. However, as my fever kept climbing and I alternated between freezing and burning up I started to become a bit concerned. I called my sister who is also a nurse because it's always good to get another nurse's opinion and experience. Of course this was the beginning of the weekend because bad things ALWAYS happen on the weekend and because I HATE to call the on-call MD unless it's really important I wanted to see what my sister suggested. The on-call oncologist was very nice and basically put me at ease because he felt I could probably ride this out and my immune system was strong enough that this didn't warrant an ER visit. He interrupted me at one point in our conversation to ask my age because I sounded so young and anytime you hear uterine cancer you expect a post-menopausal woman. He was quite taken aback when I said 32 and asked me to tell him again exactly what stage and type of cancer I had. I have to say that I'm still not quite used to people's response when I tell them my situation, I know my case is bizarre and unnatural but to hear doctor's level of shock is still disturbing. Once he heard papillary serous he said "Oh, you're dealing with a different kind of animal aren't you" and I think that sums it up perfectly, it's a bit chilling because we are talking about cancer here but his statement was perfect. Anyway, I spent Saturday on the couch and honestly didn't drink enough fluids because my body hurt too much to move and I didn't want to keep pestering Mark. Sunday came with little improvement, except that my right groin/thigh was hurting and I thought it was either lymphadema or a blood clot and time would definitely tell the difference. To add injury to insult, I had forgotten to take aspirin on Friday and didn't take it on Saturday because I didn't want to eat and I'm fairly good about not taking aspirin on an empty stomach. I will take an aspirin for the rest of my life due to the Factor V and the fact that I've already had a blood clot to my head. The thing about cancer is that it disturbs the clotting cascade and so in simple terms, anyone with cancer has a higher risk factor for blood clots. That's why I started to suspect a blood clot and knew that if it truly was a clot, the pain would only get worse. (I did take my aspirin on Sunday!) The other big issue going on was that I really couldn't break my fever with tylenol anymore and that wasn't looking too good. By this point, Mark and my family wanted me to go the ER and I probably should have, but I was pretty worried I would be admitted and I knew Dr P was not on-call. I don't want too many doctors on my case because that old saying "too many cooks in the kitchen" applies to physicians too. Mix a control-freak like me with trust issues and that doesn't make for the best patient, I don't go to the ER until I'm 100% certain it's a must...and I wasn't at that point. I will admit now that I was a bit worried with the direction that things were going, I kept thinking about sepsis and how fluid is so important so I made a better effort at drinking. By Sunday night the pain in my leg was pretty bad coupled with the fact that tylenol was no longer dropping my fever at all, I knew we should probably go to the ER but it was the fourth and I KNOW how busy the ER is on this night. There was no way I was going in so I started praying that God would not only help get through the night okay but protect me from this maybe not so wise decision. I actually slept fairly decently, however, my poor husband did not as he said I kept moaning every time I turned. Early Monday morning when I tried to stand up I could no longer bear weight on my right leg as the pain was incredible and the leg was warm to the touch. I was now at that 100% point and told Mark we have got to go the ER right now, I couldn't wait for Dr P's office to open. We have a pair of crutches so I used those to help me get around, Mark had to help me get dressed and we started to pack an overnight bag because I was pretty sure I would be admitted and I wanted to be prepared this time. In the bathroom, I was telling Mark which things to pack when I suddenly started to feel odd, the last thing I said to Mark was "I think I'm going to pass out." I came to with Mark hovering over me yelling "no" with a panicked look on his face that I've never seen before. I couldn't quite piece together what was happening as I felt as though I was waking up from a peaceful sleep but by the look on his face, and the tone of his voice I knew something bad was occurring. I told him to call 911 and within seconds things started to come together as I was propped up against the bathroom floor. Fortunately, Mark was able to lower me to the floor so I never hit anything! This was a whole new humbling experience for me for a variety of reasons! I'm at that point in treatment where I forget that I don't have hair, so to see the medical professionals faces when they see me quickly reminds me of this fact. They have this look of whoa-what-are-we-dealing-with-here and let me tell you I get every one's attention rather quickly. Anyway, to make a longer story short, after all kinds of work-up I don't have a blood clot or massive infection (praise God) and my fever actually broke at the hospital. The bad news is that we don't know what's going on with my leg and that's a bit concerning. As we were getting ready to be discharged the ER doc mentioned to me that one possibility for the leg pain could me metastasis to the bone and that I should check that out with Dr P asap. That thought had never occurred to me and in one second he absolutely freaked me out! I got in the car and the watershed of tears began as the "what ifs" started, it was as though I had been given the cancer diagnosis all over again. I felt defeated and angry all at the same time, it was a major where-are-you-God moment! I'm getting a little better at not going to the worst place and assuming that's my outcome (after a few minutes), my fears didn't totally consume me this time either. I was discharged with scripts for antibiotics and narcotics and no answers to my truckload of questions, it was unsettling to say the least. I could write a few stories of how Mark and I managed throughout that day with me still unable to bear weight on the leg but this post is long enough. I'm still scheduled for chemo on the 12th with a new plan to see Dr P this Thursday about my leg. It has actually gotten much better, I'm walking with a limp but at least I'm walking, and the weight of my clothes no longer cause a great deal of pain to the leg. It's very unsettling to not know what's going on and know I'm about to wipe out my immune system again. It's another leap of faith that God is in control in spite of my confusing circumstances. I'm growing a bit weary of these faith lessons but I have a feeling there's still plenty more ahead.